Detox seems to be in trend now. Everyone going through a rough patch or wanting to end stagnation in their life is taking this route. The beginning of the pandemic till now has become “that” time for people to pause and reflect upon what was happening in life. Priorities have also shifted from a fast, quick-fix life to a relatively slower lifestyle, spending more time with the family, engaging in activities that have never been done earlier. 

So, what does detoxify actually mean? Its classic definition means getting rid of unwanted, harmful substances from the body. While doing research on detoxifying, I came across myriad topics on “how to detox”. A browser search will typically throw up results like – how to detox the blood, liver, lungs, skin, brain, yourself, and even the mind! But very few links on “how to detox” the friend list. It is understandable why “toxic friendship” won’t be seen in search lists (there may be a few random links). Friendship is a sacrosanct relationship. It is about being yourself with people who love you and have stood by you through thick and thin. So how can friends be toxic, you would ask – rather anyone would question. It is possible not to accept there are and can be toxic friends too. Who are they, anyway?

Friends are human beings after all and friendships like other relationships can have changed, and twists and turns in tone too. They will be happy, joyful, jealous, bitter, angry, and will probably have hatred as well. We accept all of it in a friend. But when the behaviour of a friend begins to affect us, it is time to have a talk with that friend and convey your discomfort to them. If the friend continues to behave in the same pattern – abusive tone/sarcastic statements, it is time to move away from him/her. A conscious step away will make you realize the toxic cycle you were in or were going to be entangled in. Just ask yourself a few questions – How are you feeling after a particular episode/conflict with the friend? Is this friendship affecting your daily life? Do you have friends who do the same? Can I cut myself off from this friend? 

If the answer to the above questions is yes and a feeling of negativity is permeating you thinking about the friend, it is time to move on!

Filtering out/decluttering – a process

So, how do you filter out toxic friends? All of us are familiar with physical and mental detoxification. There is a third type now – detoxifying or filtering of friends – physically as well as online – friends whom we meet regularly and those whom we meet online. 

A friend recently declared on her social media timeline that she has successfully “decluttered” her friend list. All of us are into some type of social media platform and sharing a slice of our life there almost on a daily (even hourly basis). We have added our friends in the friend – school, college, colleagues, and some like-minded friends we met on our social media accounts and some with whom we network (albeit virtual professional networks). We added some friends just because they are “friends of friends”. Go to your timeline and remove all those “friends of friends” whom you have never met and who don’t have any profile pictures. These are also a part of your toxic circles!

Identify the Red flags 

So, why do a detox of these friends? 

• You may or may not agree with friends all the time but if they begin to interfere or harm your physical and mental space, it is time to say goodbye to them. 
• The moment a friend starts telling you to choose between friends, choose to cut off.
• Whatever be the medium – physical/online, harming may mean leaving you emotionally drained. One of the ways of harming could be gaslighting. It doesn’t only happen in relationships but in friendships as well. 
• You end up being uncomfortable and constantly anxious around them – especially the unpredictability in their reactions. At times, it is a sunny high and at times, a moony low. 
• When you recognize these signs, you start maintaining a distance and gradually cutting off from them. You don’t want them to know what is happening in your life or even their life. 
• Agreeing to disagree is common among best buddies/friends but when a line is crossed by them – making you feel guilty or you becoming their emotional “punching bag” all the time, then it is time to detox. 

1. Recognize the red flags –
   Identify “friends” who are trying to put you down and drain you emotionally.
   
2. Confront –
   Ask your friend why he/she is behaving in a certain way. Normally the toxic friend will not have a clear reply. They may deny the behaviour completely. Just block the person after this – virtually & physically.
   
3. Slow fading off –
   Another way of moving out of this toxic friendship is gradually detaching communication – reduce the number of messages, taking lesser calls, and no meetings. Just block the number/email.
   
4. Zero conversations –
   Stop replying to messages or engaging in discussions with them. Your friend(s) will get the message and cut off himself/herself. 
   
5. Stop giving the benefit of the doubt – 
   There are no second chances for toxic “friends”. Each time, you give excuses for their bad behaviour and mask as “they are like this”, you are deceiving yourself. Once you do that, it will be easier to cut off.
   
6. No going back – 
   Once you cut off, avoid taking their calls or replying to messages. Do not think of returning because they will try giving you reasons for their behaviour and what triggered them. They will try to rationalize it too. The cycle may continue if you decide to forgive them.
   
7. Get an emotional closure – 
   Meet your friend one last time, explain the reasons for cutting off from the friendship and walk off.
   
8. Accept their absence – 
   If it is a friendship that has been for many years, then it is understandable to feel hurt. Recognizing the toxicity is a sign for you to understand and acknowledge that they have no more role to play in your life. Give yourself time to heal. 
   
9. Surround yourself with positive people –
   Meet other like-minded friends. The moment you meet friends who are supportive, you will recognize the toxicity better and keep away from “friends” who are putting you down at the slightest.
   
10. Engage in positive activities, meet new people –

The most important person is you and will remain always! So, the moment you start loving yourself more, you will surround yourself with positive people – people who will stick by you through thick and thin. More the self-love, the lesser you become a magnet for negative and toxic people. Say NO to toxicity.

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The Word Route

Well, I am part of this generation where phones are smarter than people and no one cares! I don’t mind being a part of this era, but what bothers me is how selfishness has taken a toll on young minds.

Honestly, I believe that my values determine my worth! Therefore, it is a big deal for me to hold onto those small things that perhaps youngsters today may simply close their eyes to. As a Literature graduate, I learned in my class that morals and values build us as humans, and disregarding them for whatever reason would be utter suicide!

Already we have reached a saturation point where no one has the time for anyone. Everyone is too busy making online friends that they are losing out on real friends and family! I am witnessing that everyone is too busy making a wall around themselves that kind of is like an entrapment of virtually connected human beings who give no heed to whatever happens to someone else! Values today have come down to simply writing about them on blogs and Facebook timelines!

Talking of today’s value systems, from the language the young minds are exposed to, to the kind of novels and movies that are released, everything has advanced for the worse. Storylines are more violent and “to the face” and literature has lost its serenity. Vulgarity is misinterpreted as “open-minded” and families are looked upon as “burden”. The Church has become the weekend destination and the workplace, the Holy sanctuary! No one likes the idea of commitment and the importance of holding on. In fact, there is no “holding on” business at all these days. All of us are too busy running the race. Little do we realize that the race is a never-ending one and that we need to take a pause somewhere, sometime, or else we might just go out of breath!

Not only talking of all those endless joys that we kind of miss out on today, not about those family dinners, not those sandcastles we built back then, not those silly tea parties that happened in the late evenings; I am talking of those small things that we don’t value today! Those small expressions of love and gratitude, those honest hugs we gave our friends, those real birthday wishes, and those impeccable hides and seek games; we are missing out on a lot more than we could ever imagine!

We are a generation where the mother has no time for the child and the smartphone babysits a child; a generation where the father is equivalent to an ATM card; a generation where friends are no more a source of trust and love; a generation where love is lost more than found; a generation where the value of goods go up but not ours!

We are a generation that can make a difference, unfortunately, we are just not bothered. Well, let us be! It’s what we are here for. We must make sure we live according to our morale and believe that it is the only way to lead a generation that may be even worse!

When Valentine’s month is around the corner, every year, the “perfect love” quotes suddenly get more Google hits and clicks. Quotes go viral on all texting platforms. Online portals’ sales go up a month ahead so that the “perfect gift” reaches the respective Valentines. “So, what did u gift your Valentine?” is the chosen question by all people around you. What are you doing for your loved one? All of a sudden, FB and Twitter start brimming with posts and quotes on definitions of perfect love. 

Over a period of time, decades and various eras, the definitions of love have changed a lot. Bollywood, Hollywood and the entire celluloid defined “perfect” love for us. Archies and Hallmark added a dash of love with sprinkles of specially customized printed cards and e-cards. Now, lovey-dovey messages, quotes and memes on social media platforms declaring their love for a special someone are the new trend.

Perfect love has been defined as an “everlasting sans blemishes” love – those perfect love confessions, perfect proposals, perfect weddings et al. But, have you ever thought how skewed perfect love can be? For instance, what is perfect for you may not be for your partner or someone else. And we often look for that “perfect” partner with “perfect” traits and subsequently a “perfect” life too with “perfect” kids too. 

Social Conditioning et al

Years of conditioning have made our own forefathers and generations of parents to make everything look perfect for us. During our growing years, we have seen these “perfect” relationships. Hence the idea of a perfect partner got seeded at a young age too. In the old era, flaws in a person were looked down upon as the ultimate blemish and seen as reasons for a relationship to fail. Couples were meant to be perfect in every way. Of course, the measures of perfection were how well one performed our respective gender roles – pre-set functions expected out of us in society, abilities and social knack to live a certain lifestyle, education, job and even parenting. Perfections are never ending.

So why not change this? Break some traditional codes in relationships. Change definitions of love or rather enjoy imperfections in your partner. How about finding a special one who is not-so-perfect, yet someone who embraces us with our own flaws? I would say someone who is as crazy as you and someone to handle your craziness and vice versa. The one who is unafraid of loving oneself and others around minus judgements.

What I suggest may appear a dreamy prospect for some, a utopia for many and even something impossible! Believe me, it isn’t! Just change the frames of your specs and the colour of your glasses – you are all set! So, take the imperfect route.

10 REASONS WHY
Priya's recipe for an "Im-perfect” Love Story

1. Its Okay not to be Okay

The best feeling is to accept that things are not okay in your relationship. It is perfectly fine to talk to each other about it. There are lesser conflicts once we know that things are not fine at either end. You should be able to make your relationship so strong that you can express yourself without feeling scared of your partner’s reactions. It goes both ways!

2. No-Rules relationship

Make a thumb rule not to make any rules. Bonds grow stronger when there aren’t any terms & conditions or rules binding each other. Go with the flow, give each other space to grow in the relationship. 

3. Walk the Unconventional path 

Walking the traditional path hasn’t done any good for relationships. So reverse relationship goals. Change your couple goals – ones which will complement each other, fill in each other’s shoes rather than compete with each other. No one has to be better than the other or try hard to attain goals to be perfect in the relationship.

4. You can be Parallel Lines – Let’s agree to disagree

The moment an argument starts or a discussion where one disagrees, the first thing that happens is to slam the doors, windows, throw things and what not – even go into silent mode (torture mode). Instead choose the peace method – I agree to disagree with you. It is perfectly fine not to be in sync with each other’s opinions lest we become programmed “yes” robots.

5. Make different traditions 

Go against conventions and create your own traditions. If you have couple goals, make sure you change them from time to time. The moment you feel things are going in the same monotonous pace, break the codes and change the rhythms.

Little rituals like impromptu dates over coffee, drinks or simply a movie will keep the relationship afresh! Perhaps plan a travel and go backpacking. Just take baby steps instead of thinking of milestones to take off pressure on performing better in a relationship. After all, we don’t want a performance appraisal at home. 

6. Be what you are!

Don’t attempt to change yourself and don’t expect your partner to do the same too. When you are in a relationship, it is natural to show your best side. It is extremely instinctive to change your traits to suit your partner or for peace and harmony in your relationship. This will keep you genuine and honest. It is okay to be the way you are but accept your partner with his/her flaws as well and be honest to each other about it. Stretching oneself to have a perfect relationship will only make it more flawed! 

7. Listen to your heart, go by instincts

There is a quote I read somewhere – “Music is the beatbox of the heart”. The same way instincts are the beatbox of every relationship. For couples to remain honest and organic to each other, they must go by instincts and gut feelings to be more responsive and empathetic to their partners. It will help keep the relationship grounded. You will instinctively know when your partner is low, wants to resolve a conflict/perhaps just change the rhythm. Just sit down and talk. If nothing works, pen it down in a diary and talk about it with your partner too. Expressing how you sense your partner’s discomfort and happiness from time-to-time, will make you walk a longer path with your partner. This has to be mutual, though!

8. Keep communication channels open

Open yourself to conversations – short, long, deep or even surface level – with your partner. This will help both of you develop more respect for each other. Love only grows when you share. The more you share your emotions, thoughts and your soul with your partner, the more the paths to each other’s hearts will be smooth. There maybe nothing to talk at times – even sitting next to each other in silence speaks a lot! Staccato conversations amidst silence also brings two people closer.

9. Touch, hug and kiss 

Words have magic to stir you but a touch has the power to stir a million nerves and the cords of the heart! Physical proximity will help you develop stronger bonds. Touch boosts instincts and empathy between people. So, touch, hug and kiss, probably give a peck on the cheek too! Another added bonus: a healthier life.

10. Treasure every li’l moment

Photographs, diaries, mementos, gifts and moments…cherish all of them! Memories are the best gift in any relationship and they last the longest. People may lose their wealth, assets and materials but memories are something that will remain forever – even after you die. The moments you create with your partner will remain with you till you grow old and beyond. Bonds get stronger when u revisit each memory from time to time. It reminds you of the good moments as well as the not-so-good ones too. But each moment matters. Do not lose any moment – capture them and cherish them forever!

So, my first question to all of you: what is your idea of perfect love and a perfect relationship? Think carefully and you may post it in the comments section of my blog here.

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The Word Route

We are all forgetful time and again of how in a race we are caught up and how we have evolved from being socially, emotionally, and interpersonally bound and attached, to being detached from even our very own selves! 

Time has come, my friends, to look into the scene and pave way for a generation that does not need blog posts and articles to know and “learn” what it is like to smile wholeheartedly and be happy overwhelmingly. The problem with us is that we don’t have the time for the little, beautiful things that truly add value to us – we are constantly after the greater things, unaware of the fact that the smaller things are the very fragments of the greater things that we are so eager about!

The power of little things like being grateful and smiling at one another is forgotten. Values are not valued anymore and old school is shamed for no reason. Old school, however, teaches us to be productive, active, happier, and patient; giving us important life lessons like being honest and keeping good people around us. Old school teaches us the importance of staying put and grounded. Old school also teaches us that “old school” is the place you will come back to in the end. To never forget your roots.

We are constantly in the dilemma of whether or not to listen to the age-old lectures of our elders or go with the flow of this peer-pressured life. We tend to take the shorter, more “fun” road over the possibly right one. However, there will be a point in time when we will finally realize the importance of that “right” road and maybe that moment will be one when nothing really can be done about the lost time, energy and opportunities.

Life is too short to just go with the flow. 
Life is too short to not smile. 
Life is too short to not experience. 
Life is too short for detachments. 
Life is too short to realize later the things that mattered. 
Life is too short to worry over the split milk. 

So, smile and take that old school lessons seriously; travel through the road where things are much clear and happier. The road in which worries are just part of who we are and not the destination in which we need to invest the whole of our lives and peace in. The old school IS the new school.

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Even from my childhood, I couldn’t combat the temptation of my wild dreams to transcribe. I know they were inexpensive. All I needed was a pencil and a piece of paper. It was absolute bliss. I then realised that I wasn’t the only one. Many from my peer group were also engrossed in the sheer pleasure of doing it. Engaging in writing and reading the narrative of the visual imagery brings enormous pleasure.

Of course, the passion continues as the day goes on. Writing makes my heart sing. Daydreaming uplifts me and deeply reverberates with me. It does something to me. It makes me feel alive amidst sorrow, rejection, overburdened domestic duties, office works, and so on. My mind escapes to a certain world.

This was happening very often, I have to admit. I was wondering if it was the state of a relaxed mind, to escape from the vagaries of day-to-day life. It must be the same for many others also. It’s important to have the courage to live with what bemuse you. Yes, it’s ok, absolutely ok for me. It’s the confidence to go ahead with a completely personal choice, whether someone reads me, appreciates me, criticises me, makes fun of me, it never mattered. I just want to acknowledge myself, enjoy myself.

The pleasure and joy of bringing out the inner self matter. The confidence to look at what’s in a piece of paper, the complete delight, the joy of surrounding oneself with the comfort of a completed art form that resonates and sings a beautiful melody that matters. It has given me the truest opportunity.

As the saying goes, Life’s an opportunity. A dearest opportunity. Yes, I always want to grab that opportunity. Find your inner self, there may be something hidden, turn it towards the bright sunlight. The choice is yours.

Follow K. Syamala

Appreciating oneself for little things, whispering sweet nothings to yourself, a little pat and hug to yourself for achieving something, or when you did some good deed is defined as self-love. Philosophically speaking, many of our saints have said this: self-love is a way to attain the highest levels of spirituality. If you love yourself, it means you have reached the spiritual realms too. So, it is lovely to have this warm fuzzy feeling of loving oneself.

But I often ponder and wonder if this word had not been coined, would we know what it is to love oneself unconditionally? The answers are mixed. We do know that we should appreciate ourselves and love ourselves too – but we don’t! 

Some think it is mandatory to prioritize our family first above us, while a few of us think unless we appreciate ourselves, we cannot love others. Mostly it is the former group that is the majority everywhere and ends up behind in priority rankings in receiving love. Don’t you think so? Ah, but this is utopian, most of you would say! I agree too ‘coz I have done it myself too! I still believe we can make it real too – we can be the majority in prioritizing ourselves. There is nothing wrong in it. My favourite quote has always been: You can’t pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself first!

So, what makes us do this – neglect ourselves? In most cultures, races, and ethnicities in the world, people are conditioned to ignore themselves and lead their lives for the sake of others, put others’ happiness above theirs, and love others more than themselves. Even the slogan and war cry of every defence force in the world says we are supposed to put our society before us. But that is for the homeland, not applicable to normal citizens. Let’s change this punchline and save ourselves first. If you happen to fly in any airline, even the safety instructions say we are to save ourselves first and then our fellow passengers. Then why don’t we apply this in real life too? Give love to ourselves first – we can love our loved ones better.

Fight/Flight – You choose!

Societal conditioning is so strong that people who put themselves first or show they love themselves are scorned at, looked down upon, and labeled as “show-offs” or “selfish”. I have been called selfish many times whenever I expressed opinions with some friends in the past saying it is good to think about oneself first.

Society does this. People live in fear each time they decide to be happy in their life. It has become a matter of life and death as to “what will society say” if I did this or took a particular step. Right from deciding every milestone in our life to choosing a life partner, society misuses this power of “they have the right to choose our happiness”. They bully you into thinking that the moment you decide to choose oneself or take decisions to be happy, you will be unhappier. It is a fight or flight situation for many. 

A majority end up in the “flight” category as many choose to keep society happy by remaining unhappy. I never really advocate the “fight” as in physical fight options (as in the celluloid) but stand for yourself by taking decisions for yourself, ignoring societal norms. Standing up for yourself, I reckon needs guts but once you take the first step, it is equivalent to a million steps taken already, and “society” is already in line. There will be a few days of cribbing, ostracism, increased bullying tactics, etc but in the end, you will discover happiness and peace once you wear horse blinders. 

My love for celluloid and Bollywood reminds me of another classic example of a Big B movie Kaaliya’s dialogue (has a symbolic connection to self-love for me) – Hum Jahan khade hote hain, line wahan se shuru hoti hai. It literally means I set the trends. If I love it, I do it and if people love what I do, then why not. I inspire people to do it! So, be the trendsetter and start loving yourself more!

Keys to Self-Love

It took me 35 years to break the body-shaming code and accept my body for what it is – wear clothes that I love. When I finally broke that code, it was my first step towards self-love – pure unconditional love. For many of you, I am sure self-love is a “work-in-progress” or a “yet-to-begin” task. But the first step is crucial. 

Here are 10 things to do:

1. Begin the day alone – your favourite cup of tea/coffee/any beverage you like. Sit with your pet/your garden. Enjoy the silence.
2. Choose a time after work to switch off from anything remotely digital – phone, laptop, tablet, or whatever you can think of. Spend that time with your family or perhaps a friend.
3. Choose a day in the week to be outdoors with yourself – go out, pamper yourself, eat what you want, indulge in retail therapy, watch a movie – basically date yourself!
4. Mark dates on the calendar to look after yourself physically and mentally too – circle dates for health check-ups or meeting your therapist (if any).
5. Go backpacking (smaller locations according to your budget) or any small adventure for a few days to begin with. Travel is the best way to pamper yourself and a great stress buster too.
6. Compliment yourself for tasks you have achieved – mini-tasks (at work/home) can be made into milestones! Cooking and cleaning aren’t menial jobs so please take time to pat yourself on the back for the same.
7. Dress up. Make sure you wear a new outfit from your wardrobe daily (even if you are working from home), admire yourself, and sit like you are at your workplace. Just looking good too gives a good high.
8. Go for a whole-body massage once in a while. Schedule an appointment with a good masseur. A massage activates all the muscles, tendons, and nerves in the body and also gets the hormones flowing in the blood too!
9. Create a bucket list (if you haven’t already) and start doing them one by one. It could be anything you always wanted to do but you couldn’t. Once you begin doing it, ticking off each and everyone will give you a natural high of achievement!
10. The last is the best. Learn to say NO when you don’t want to do something that doesn’t feel right for you. It is equivalent to respecting your feelings and loving yourself for all decisions taken. 

And finally, always remember “You were born to be real, not perfect”. You get to decide whether you are good, bad, or ugly! Be what you are and love yourself!

Follow Priya Rajendran
The Word Route

When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Life is a beautiful jigsaw puzzle that entraps a myriad of little things that make up for our state of being happy or upset with what is going on. It is not fair or possible to be all smiles all the time. Life is also about challenges, obstacles, sorrows, reasonings, failures, tears, losses, and a lot more.

It is up to each one to measure the amount of stress or effort to put into resolving and coming to terms with such situations. That is how and when one gets to be tough, strong, and a balanced human being. Only when we are struck by something out of the way will we realise that we need to find the way back home! Once in a while, when we are barraged out of the blue, with something we never expected to happen, do we learn to expect the unexpected. Only when the going gets tough will we ever know the importance of being tough. Those are the times we recognize and realise that we are stronger than we think we are.

Life throws a lot of things at us. A lot of – people, opportunities, resources, time, situations, outcomes. And depending on the choices we exercise, these opportunities, resources, situations could turn out either successfully or far from the way we ever intended them to.

Our choices design the consequences: at other times a different concoction of circumstances may create a path that we never expected – good or bad! It is when many of these things pile up, that we tend to feel that life is a trampoline, spread like the stars in space – now seen, now not: with no uniformity in the bounce yet perfect as only Nature in wild abandon can be.

The going, may I dare to say, will never get better. We must make the most of yesterday’s learning, today’s time, and tomorrow’s plans. Remember not to beat yourself up: for you did the best with what you could when you did and how you could have done it!

Failure is not the opposite side of success: instead, it is the stepping stone to find what works. And if a particular strategy didn’t, there’s a lesson learnt. In the distance you find waves rising and falling, birds soaring and swooping, tides ebbing and rising – there may be a lull for a while but the pattern resumes and never ends.

While you fix your focus ahead, a glance over your shoulder will remind you of the several tough times you have already crossed to get where you are. Keep treading along life’s journey knowing that you are fully equipped, perfectly poised, and absolutely ready to grasp your dream and make it true. Ships are not built to stay harboured in ports. Welcome the tough times with the same thrill as when you scale up the mountains: for those are the ones that will lead you to the pinnacle you’re aiming for.

Trust your struggle – keep moving and focus on the goal. Sure, life is tough – but then, so are you and soon you will see how beautifully you have grown through whatever you have gone through!

Follow Aakanksha Dinah