Once upon a time… That is how loyalty is becoming now – fictional. Do you believe in this? Read on…

We all have these storytelling sessions for our children and we ourselves have had with our grandparents during childhood. Right? Yes, most of us will have these stories in our memories about friendship, love, loyalty, and relationships. 

As children, loyalty had special definitions. We would share the deepest secrets with our best friends and be so sure they would not be exposed. None of them would tell out these secrets. If loyalty were to be given a colour, then I would describe it as black and white. There are no grey areas in it. There is no half loyalty. And as children, loyalty mattered a lot to us. We stood by each other no matter what. Never gave away secrets. 

This remains till date for all childhood friends even after entering adulthood. We all share such bonhomie that even at 40, they still check in to see if someone’s messing around with us or if our secrets were being given out. Until we reached our teens, this loyalty was still there among friends. 

After entering adult aka work life and social networking friendships, while making new friends, I realized this loyalty was missing among them. Loyalty got diluted with ego. If one stopped talking to you, there was no conversation for days together until I initiated the conversation or chose to do the icebreaker myself. It became easy for misunderstandings to brew and before you even realize it, the “friend” would have cross-talked about you to another friend. But yes, I did manage to get lifelong friends with my colleagues too. Having worked across the country, I can vouch for amazing, loyal friends to cherish for life. 

Loyalty is sticking by our loved ones through highs and lows. No matter what the situation is; happy or sad, we stand by them and support them unconditionally. This means accepting them for what and how they are. 

Every relationship in life has different shades of loyalty. For instance, friendship demands we stay by our buddies and defend them against all odds and be with them in all adverse situations. It doesn’t mean that we can’t be with them when they are happy. Sharing all kinds of moments with them is a part of the loyalty code as well. 

Apart from human loyalty, we have brand loyalty too. Those who are brand conscious stick to the same brand just like “till death do us apart”. I know you must try hard not to smirk reading this but you will anyway! We are all loyal to some product or the other. And some aren’t brand loyal too. If a better product comes in, won’t we switch? The context here is human loyalty though. Are we all loyal? to others? to ourselves? The answer is everywhere. Look around and the proof is crumbling relationships. The root cause of most crumbling relationships (family/friendships/marriages) today is the lack of loyalty and honesty. Both these go hand-in-hand.

So, can we build loyalty? Is it measurable? The first answer is yes, we can. The second answer is that we cannot measure it. It is completely subjective. Subjectivity means it differs with every individual. One cannot generalise it to everyone. But loyalty is something that can be built over some time through growing bonds in any relationship. 

How can we build loyalty then? I know most childhood gangs have loyalty or a “bro” code.
These codes have the following basic tenets –

1.    One friend mustn’t talk behind the other’s back. 
2.    Honesty and transparency are extremely important.
3.    Clear communication. Avoid shadow boxing (indirect statements/confrontations or avoiding important topics)
4.    No unhealthy competition among friends.
5.     Be as real and honest as friends – be your purest self!
6.     It is okay to be a critic.
7.     Accept your friend’s ties unconditionally unless you see that they are harming your friend.
8.    Play the DJ not only at the party but after party too. Hanging out with friends after the party to make sure they are fine. Help clear all mess!
9.    Giving space to your friends and letting them be themselves when they want to be left alone.
10.  Empathy is important.
11.   Be a listener instead of doling out advice. Sometimes all they need is a good ear and a shoulder to lean on.
12.  Taking a back seat is good at times – Quit being a hero and let your friend take the limelight.
13.  Lastly, the most important code of friendship is to keep secrets safe and intact with you – no matter what.

A true friend will never let you down even if the world is out there to pull you down! So, make friends carefully. The above-mentioned codes aren’t meant to be written in stone. They are good to strengthen your friendship and all bonds. But these can change with time. A friendship that began in childhood may change flavours as you grow older. Be prepared for those changes. Loyalty codes can change as well but do not change yourself! It is important to be yourself while being there for your friends without changing your true self. And that is the key to being loyal to your friends!! 

Hence, do not despair if you find loyalty codes changing. People may change but bonds and emotions won’t! So, relax and be calm as you observe friends “changing”. These changes may be just temporary and they may just be going through some transitions or milestones.

I love to believe in this – “Friendship and loyalty are like good ol’ wine. They mature as years go by!”

Follow Priya Rajendran

Do Soulmates Exist? When you say the word “soulmate” in front of a group of people, you can almost guarantee that some of them will roll their eyes. The concept that there is a single, perfect partner out there for you—one with whom you will fall in love at first sight and with whom you will never find yourself at odds—is just not grounded in reality.

What does exist, at least for many individuals, is a person with whom you have an innate familiarity, with whom you share a profound connection, and with whom you can develop as a person while you are in a romantic relationship with them. When it comes to connecting with someone and discovering your perfect soulmate, it appears like a dream come true, and if that person is a love partner, you’ve stumbled across something genuinely unique and extraordinary.

What exactly is a soulmate?

Finding someone to share your life with and develop a meaningful relationship with can feel like the realisation of a lifelong fantasy. The idea of having a specific individual who acts as your counterpart would make this whole “thing” a great deal less difficult to deal with. 

Who you ask will determine how you understand the meaning of the term. ‘The concept of ‘soulmates’ and what it means might mean different to different people. It’s safe to assume that the most widespread interpretation of this term is the idea that there is only one person in the entire world who can be your soulmate, and that this one person is the only one who can fulfill all of our needs and desires.

Why is the concept of soulmates debatable?

The idea of finding your “soulmate” can be romantic, but only if you’re doing it with someone you love and who makes you feel really, very good. The concept that your significant other is your soulmate is fraught with controversy amongst professionals for a variety of different reasons. To begin, the idea conveys the disturbing implication that you are incomplete without the presence of another person, which is a problem for several reasons. If you can’t let go of the idea that you and your significant other have a soulmate, you could experience loneliness even when you’re single. 

Then there’s the reality that being in a relationship with someone, even if you’re a perfect fit for one another, will never be an entirely problem-free adventure for either party. We can be misled by the idea of soulmates into believing that once we discover “the one,” everything will be easy and wonderful. In actuality, this is not the case.

Do romantic soulmates exist?

If you are currently single, you don’t want the romantic notion of love that you have in your head to make you close your eyes to potential companions just because they might not appear to be the perfect soulmate fit for you. Being a hopeless romantic can most certainly work against you in this regard. 

On the other hand, there is no reason not to believe in the existence of a soulmate if you are convinced that you have already found this person and if, in addition, you are living a happy and fulfilling life. You also need to keep in mind that whether you find your “soulmate” or not, partnerships need effort on both sides.

How to Identify If You’ve Found One

A soul mate is someone who inspires compassion and kindness in you and brings out the best in both of you. A soulmate is more than just someone with whom you have a certain amount of similarities. A soulmate may not even share many interests or values with you, yet the two of you are still destined to be together. Below find the telling signs that you have got one.

SIGNS YOU FOUND YOUR SOULMATE

And last but not the least, despite having different identities, you and your partner present to the world as one.

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Food is survival. Over the years, as we have evolved, so have our eating patterns. We all have our own choice of food we love. Some of us like our morning cup of coffee or some tea. Some of us love a bowl of ramen (noodles) or some warm khichadi. Many of us love a freshly prepared Dosai served with hot sambar, chutney, and crispy vada and or a full hot English breakfast served with freshly squeezed juice.

Last time, when you were down or when you got excited, what was it that you craved? Was it ‘Fried Chicken or Fried Rice? Was it Manchurian, Chowmein, Chilli chicken or was it Manchow soup? It could have been Pizza or Pasta. Let me guess, Chicken Tandoori and Paneer Butter Masala. Right! Karimeen Polichathu or Fish Moiley, a hot plate of ChickenBiryani or Parotta and Beef…..Whatever our choice is, comfort food does influence our emotions. Oh! The guilt of calories consumed is not a topic we will discuss right now.

Food is comfort. Period. Many find solace in food. Don’t we all indulge ourselves at times with food? A breakup or a promotion, we just find relief when we have the food of our liking. Comfort foods unleash the hormone that aids in stress relief and feelings of contentment and delight.

Consuming healthy food and maintaining balance in what we eat in a day do a lot of good to our overall well-being. Eating fruits and vegetables and including healthy intervals between meals also do positive things to our body and mind. Home-cooked meals are always better than meals prepared in restaurants or large quantities. Packaged foods that contain preservatives must be avoided and fresh poultry, meat, fish, and greens must be included in our daily food intake. Health is wealth. Only if we have good health are we mentally sane and physically strong. This, as a result, helps aid in focusing, concentrating, and building a successful lifestyle.

Everything starts within… Being positive, feeling good, experiencing good health, being physically active, and loving ourselves; everything starts from within. It is each one of our responsibility to take care of our health and body. Loving ourselves includes maintaining good eating habits and being considerate about what is good for us.

Comfort food is magic. Comforting ourselves with food is alright as long as we follow healthy habits regularly. We can and must at times give in to sweet cravings and junk foods. However, there must be a check on how often we indulge in food that can in the long run prove not so good for our systems.

Choose healthy comfort food. If possible. Choose healthily, eat healthily, and stay healthy! Having said that, the power of comfort food is different. And it is okay to fall of the wagon every now and then. We are human after all. The point is, make sure not to get addicted to the convenience of comfort food.

Follow Aakanksha Dinah

Afraid to die and afraid to live! Death is an eternal truth. Every living creature who walks this planet has to perish. Some later, some sooner. Most people fear death, only the degree of this fear varies from person to person. Death is such an intriguing concept that we have an entire scientific study dedicated to learning about it viz Thanatology.Thanatology is a scientific discipline that examines death from many perspectives, including physical, ethical, spiritual, medical, sociological, and psychological.

While some fear may be healthy if it makes us more cautious and mindful, excessive and unhealthy fear of dying is crippling. But one thing is for sure – everyone is afraid of dying. No one in their right frame of mind wants to DIE. 

Fair and acceptable.

What about the people who are afraid of LIFE?

Never heard of it? I am sure you have met some, just haven’t identified them as ‘Afraid to Live’ beings!!

These beings are normal people like you and me. They breathe, eat, sleep and function like everyone else. So what sets them apart?  

What qualifies them as ‘afraid to live’ is their Periculophobia i.e. an abject fear of taking any risk! This phobia is understood to be the result of a traumatic experience post failure of a risk-taking attempt. And I am not attempting to belittle it in any way or form. There are genuine cases of people suffering from it and I respect their resolve to deal with it.

What I am instead talking about are the people, who haven’t taken any risks in their lives merely for the fear of unknown consequences they may have to deal with. These are the people who are so afraid of the consequences that they dodge the risk-taking altogether. They are so risk-averse that, let alone taking risks in their lives, they will try to avoid any decision-making et al. You cannot imagine living a meaningful life without taking life-altering decisions. No decision-making or risk-taking= No real life!

A ‘safe’ life is a rote life.

If you were told that you have a free party coming up tonight only for an hour. You have nothing else to do tonight. Would you attend it? Well of course yes, right? What do you have to lose anyway? You will try to make the most out of it since you have nothing to lose. Would you sit down analysing what is good, or bad, or not up to the mark; or what can go wrong or would you just make the most of that limited time and enjoy yourself to the fullest? Most would do the latter. 

It is the same with life – you have limited time; you either make the most of it or you do nothing. Party ends on time whether you enjoy it or not. There is no second chance or extension of this party called LIFE. 

This set of people that I call ‘afraid to live’ is afraid of taking chances in life. They don’t want to take any leap of faith, even for the dream that they so badly want to achieve. Afraid of spreading their wings to fly into the unknown, they never really experience freedom! They don’t experience what free air under the wing feels like.

They are so paralysed by fear that they set ‘safe’ boundaries for themselves. These safe boundaries are nothing but the tried, tested, and rote rules that society has laid down, which they know keep them safe. What they don’t realize is that it keeps them ‘Imprisoned’ too! 

They have dreams too, but fulfilling your dream requires guts to take decisions you have never taken before. It requires you to be prepared for the unknown that you may encounter. It takes courage to pursue what infuses life in you. It requires you to take risks, and take decisions – the outcome of which you don’t know yet, but you still have to have the daredevilry in you. You need not be the stuntman trying to jump from mountains and breathe fire. Have respect for life and care about it. But fear not to the extent of paralysing yourself into not taking any step forward. If you are not willing to step out into the unknown, how will you ever achieve that Dream? Fear Kills Dreams – and you got to realize this before death kills life! 

This time between your birth and your death – this little time is only what you have in your hands. This is what is called life. A third of this ‘party time’ we spend sleeping, another one-third ‘working’, the remaining one-third is all you have – to grow up, to travel, to love, to commute, to dance, to sing, to have a family, and to pursue your dream. Even if you live 80 years, one-third leaves you with just 27 years to do everything you want to do and can do. Are you prepared to live this life in fear?

Would you die in regret of not living a fulfilling life or would you rather take those chances and see where it goes? What do you have to lose anyway? There is no ‘ever-after’ after death? Would you not LIVE before you DIE? It is okay to be Afraid of Death, but not okay to be AFRAID TO LIVE!

ONE DAY YOUR HEART WILL STOP BEATING
AND NONE OF YOUR FEARS WILL MATTER.
WHAT WILL MATTER IS HOW YOU LIVED.

Follow Veena Gupta

We seldom put much thought into the reasoning behind why we should not pass judgment on others. We all pass judgment, and most of the time, we are not aware. However, there are other reasons to refrain from passing judgment on other people, many of which are beneficial to ourselves as well. Let’s be honest: Would any of us wish to be aware that other people are evaluating us? 

10 STRONG REASONS WHY NOT TO JUDGE

There are numerous motivations why you should not criticize anyone. Accordingly, start to evaluate your actions if you catch yourself doing so. It is not practical to have that mindset. It goes without saying that we must evaluate others, but we must do so, fairly. Do you believe that others judge you based on how you look or the music you enjoy? Tell me what you’re doing to stop criticising other people.

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What we consume has a lot to do with how our wellness goes. What we feed ourselves talks magnitudes about how we treat our bodies. Correspondingly, what we feed our brain is as crucial if not more! As a famous quote by Eckhart Tolle goes, ‘all problems are illusions of the mind.’

From listening to the right things to seeing what is good for our mind, from what our deepest thoughts are to what our actions show, from what we read, watch and share: everything has a direct impact on our physical as well as mental and psychological well-being. Downright direct consequence.

In a time where we can easily get swayed by the air of fast-paced technology and evolving social lives, it is so essential to take in what is good for ourselves and let go of what is not necessary – like hatred, frustration, anxiety, fear, negative literature, unhealthy thoughts, and lifestyle… This allows us to stay sane and content in life, ushering in happiness, positivity, and good health.

To begin with, as simple as I can put it across, we may start reading books and texts that unburden us and impart learning and understanding to us. Maybe we should watch films that add value and give us a zest to live. We could listen to wise folks express their life’s amazing lessons and experiences. Maybe breakdown on how we can preserve our future by instilling goodness, sharing ideas, and fresh thoughts, helping one another, smiling, and being grateful for the smallest of things… this way we can construct a difference in our life as well as others around us.

Be a reflection – show the world that good people exist. The world and this generation need healing.

Follow Aakanksha Dinah

Divorce has never been an easy word. It has never been just a word et al. 

It has always been a story.

A story of pain, deceit, heartbreak, lies, indifference, and sometimes even Delight! The emotions attached to Divorce may be different for each one – even for the same couple, divorce evokes different emotions for both estranged partners. It comes with its emotional baggage, financial constraints, societal taboos, and personal agony.

And just as there are different emotions experienced by different people, there may be several reasons for the disunion instead of the honeyed ‘Till death do us apart!’ Whatever the reasons, they always spell trouble and surprise for the families involved. More so when you least expect it. At a time, that we have been conditioned to believe, as the one you need your partner the most. A divorce that comes in your ‘grey’ years – THE ‘GREY’ DIVORCE!

So, What exactly is a Grey Divorce?

Divorces manifesting in long-running marriages, typically beyond 15-20 years are touted as Grey divorces. By this time, you are already touching middle-age and dealing with grey hair…hence the name!

There are many more surprising elements to this Divorce than just the nature and the name. First of all, they happen late in life – which you would often imagine as the settled and wary phase to even think of separation. Secondly, more and more couples are opting to separate than ever before.

And most surprisingly – Women are the initiators of this divorce 66% of the time! (WHOA!! Talk about Women empowerment)

So, what do you think goes wrong … that too, so late in life? Let’s ponder over it a bit.

First Things First – It’s not an impulsive decision. The very reason that the stakeholders have taken so long to mull over it, that they have reached middle-age, is testimony to the fact that it is a well-thought-off act.

Secondly, if the woman has initiated it, you can be sure she has exhausted every option and hope for the relationship’s revival.

WHAT COULD BE THE REASONS THOUGH?

People grow as they age. With life’s many experiences and trials & tribulations, people grow. Unfortunately, they may not grow together but rather apart. This may be heartbreaking but not impossible. Just as people can fall in love, they can grow out of love as well. Relationship familiarity breeds contempt and boredom here. Spouses take each other for granted and forget to show appreciation for each other. This frustration leads to growing apart, in search of acceptance and appreciation. 

Let’s face it. The earlier generations did not have it all hunky-dory in all marriages. But many duplets still survived the ordeal. Some did only because of the stigma they may have to face if they did go the dreaded path. Societal pressure kept them from seeking separation. 

But things have changed over the years. Call it evolution or indifference; now people care much less about what’s going on in your life. The flip side of this all is the rise in the numbers seeking dissolution of the sacred institution of Marriage. Divorce is no longer a Taboo! 

No more stigma=less pressure to stay in an unhappy marriage

Many and many and yet so many people stay put in unhealthy, unhappy marriages for the sake of their beloveds – Their CHILDREN.

Quite understandably so. They brought them to this world. It was a promise they made to their children to keep them happy; take good care of them; provide them with everything they need and see them grow into beautiful humans. For the sake of this promise, they do not want to shake the foundation of this hollow relationship. They are willing to live this lie for the rest of their lives. A relationship that is an Illusion of a ‘Happy Home’ for their children; even if it has nothing to offer for the partner themselves.

By the time the children have grown, the need for keeping this illusion alive has reduced. This is the biggest driver for the exodus – especially for women. For them, this is where they become the ‘Walkaway Wife’. When an unhappy wife suddenly divorces or walks out on her spouse without warning, is coined as ‘Walkaway wife’. 

‘Without warning’ is a bit of fallacy here, as I believe nothing of this magnitude can be without warning. It may instead be the ignorance of the other partner towards the changes in the relationship, that causes the final step to come as a shock. 

Now that the children are independent and probably even understand that the relationship is not in good stead, people no longer feel the need to drag it further and eventually call it quits.

With more financial freedom comes more choices to live a happy and fulfilling life. Many may still try to live the dead relationship just because ‘it’s too late.’ But the ones who are adventurous enough to take the plunge, feel surer about this once they are financially more secure. It could be career advancement or inheritance of wealth or savings – finances do make a difference in this long-term decision.

Even the lack of it can be a reason for the Grey Divorce. Couples who have struggled with debt for a long time or have been constantly fighting about finances often end up divorcing in the golden years.

Yes, this seems unrelated, but surprisingly is a compelling component of the decision-making process to the D-word.

Look at it this way – if you have only a month to live and you are in an unhappy marriage, would you walk out on them to live happily? Well, some would agree… but a majority would rather not take the bait and live content for the rest of the time they have.

Now imagine if I told you that you have 30 years more to live. Would you still live in this unhappy situation or would rather break free and find the life of your dreams? 

BINGO. You would choose the latter!

With life’s expectancy going beyond 80 and 90 years, people in their middle ages do not want to continue in unfulfilling relationships for the coming 30-40 or 50 years. They want to do away with anything not adding to their happiness index. And this is where the grey divorce contemplation creeps in.

You have worked all your life rushing from task to task to make things work in your youth. Children, finances, loans, chores, and everything else have kept you on your toes. Now that the children are grown up and fled your nest to find their own life, you are left with only their memories and no real work to do. You have been so busy with your life that you no longer recognize your partner or your partnership with them. So once your ‘mission’ i.e., your children, has gone, you are suddenly left with a huge void, and life and partner you no longer connect with! What follows next is reassessment and retrospection of your life which many a time leads to a grey divorce.

The reasons could be different for people. But one noteworthy thing is that people are slowly but surely rising to such possibilities. Whether it is good or bad, is a debatable question. It is more of a personal choice and depends on what one is seeking in his/her life. 

One thing for sure is that Divorces are never easy on anyone. If you have shared a big part of your life and youth with someone, they do deserve a second chance. The same reasons that lead to separation could also lead to a reinvention of the relationship. Every relationship needs work, and so does this new-old relationship. Think about it and let your Grey matter overrule a grey divorce!

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