Childhood is a phase that most of us would love to get back. The fun, joy, happiness, and carefree attitudes, need I go on? The best part is that we never learned anything systematically or logically for years. Unfortunately, today’s kids are being battered with so many schedules, classes, and events. I feel overwhelmed as an adult and also sorry for the children. Trust me. I am not saying we were given a run-of-the-mill and allowed to ride wild. However, we had a chance to play and have some fun, even when mummy and daddy were busy or occupied. If we compare three generations, I am sure we will begin to see a stark difference in the approach taken to how children are being brought up.

I recall spending time with my dad and his siblings growing up, especially during our holidays. They would regale us with stories of their childhoods. I fondly remember tales of adventure, some true, few a little exaggerated. Stories of mud being eaten, rivers being conquered, snakes chased, trees climbed, limbs hurt or broken, you get the gist. All these surprisingly and little terrifying experiences, but they all had one thing in common. They were all fun experiences, learning experiences, and, most of all, being with a gang of sorts. This is from the ’50s and ’60s. Cut to the ’80s and ’90s. If not double the madness, we may be half the crazy things our parents did. They were playing mud, chasing lizards with sticks, and playing football, where 200 of us played on no teams: mud-covered uniforms, book bags with fountain pens in spills. A time when going to school meant unlimited fun because our besties were there. There was no internet or a million-channel cable TV yet. These were fun days, with no math clubs, karate, or hectic schedules. I mean, kids were kids. Doing things only kids could do. Get in trouble for eating tons of candy, bunk classes, play silly invented games. I am sure you all have fond memories of similar experiences. And if I am not wrong, you took a few moments with a quick flashback of the good old days!

My heart breaks, though, when I see the kids of today. I have nieces, nephews, my kid, and friends’ kids exposed to the internet, mobiles, and too much technology. Kids with so many extracurricular programs can make a CEO blush. I often wonder why we as adults forget what it meant to be a child. A recent experience from a child development program left me in near tears when I saw what children had to go through. Extra Math and writing classes, Judo, Kung Fu, Ballet, Piano recitals, Violin classes, poor kids being overwhelmed with so much that you saw their childhood fade before their eyes. At the same time, they lived their parent’s dream. Having a vision for our kids to live their best lives is not unhealthy. But it is not fair to dump unwanted schedules and programs on their little heads expecting the next Indian Idol or Rocket Scientist from your little one.

Do your kids have downtime? Reading time? Time to play and do nothing important? Maybe even do some household chores and get some rewards? Anything that will not bog them down with a tight jam-packed schedule? If you say yes to all the above, I will tip my hat off to you! But if not, please start giving them breaks and time to be kids.

Simple things to do to avoid the trap of overburdening your child:

1. Remember your childhood. If you have had a relaxed one or not, allow your kids to have one too. If not, it will enable them to have one still.

2. Do not live your dreams through your child. Let them find themselves. Give them opportunities, no doubt.

3. Encourage them to discover themselves.

4. Be patient. Rome was not built in a single day. As a mentor of mine always says, it was built over several days.

5. Replace the screen time with books, playtime, fun games, and a family outing.

It is promising to allow children to live out their childhood learning skills and behaviours that will help them in the future. Of course, additional skills like music, dance, etc, are good too but in moderation and not as if their lives depended on it.

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You must have heard these as a kid or yelled at for asking questions – “why are you asking silly questions” or “Don’t waste my time. I don’t have time for your questions.” You are stupid” or “you cannot do anything right.” To make you do things, did you hear this: “It’s my way or the highway!”? How could you cry? You will never have a good relationship because you are not good enough.

The above list can be endless. These are a few of the myriad statements most of us heard as children and during our growing years. Sad, if you did listen to them! Over time, we have normalized these statements and are now saying the same to our children. These are essentially damaging lines that can scar anyone for life.

If you think you have undergone the above, please observe your behaviour towards your children. At times, we subconsciously incorporate toxic parenting styles due to the neglect and abuse we faced/suffered as children. The same statements are repeated in déjà vu mode to our children and get transferred to every generation.

Before you label yourselves as “bad parents,” you must know that recognizing toxic patterns is a sign of a sensitive parent and that most of us subconsciously do it. Hence the need to Reparent ourselves. Treat yourself with lots of love and care.

A child’s self-esteem, confidence, and personality are crucial early years. The adult version of the child has a lot to do with what they are ingrained in their young years. So, parents must be cautious in their speech, body language, and non-verbal communication. The child’s brain catches these sensitive things quickly, and they will end up normalising them as adults because their parents or caregivers did it. Society often mistakes authority as ” ideal,” and social conditioning happens in that name. Hence it is vital to “Reparent us” using professional help.

What is Reparenting? According to the world wide web’s definition: Re-parenting is a state of psychotherapy in which the therapist actively assumes the function of a new or surrogate parental figure for the client to treat psychological disruptions caused by inadequate, even abusive, parenting.

In my earlier article on “Cycle Breakers,” I mentioned how vicious cycles need to be broken. Unfortunately, a parent can have an equally abusive relationship with the child. Gaslighting and emotional abuse are normalized in most families. The questions/statements that I listed above are examples of toxic parenting. Reparenting is one way of helping a damaged adult heal. 

One reason toxic parenting continues to date is the abuse of authority, encouragement of toxic gratitude, and forced apologies in families. Older generations think it is good to “teach” kids to say “thank you” and “sorry” without the children feeling it. I am sure all of you, at some point, have told your children to “be respectful” towards adults who visit your home or relatives who visit too. “Beta, come and say hi to XYZ uncle/aunt” – is extremely common. Children who don’t do it are labeled “bad” kids or “mannerless.” This is just one of the few examples that happen when you are a child. We carry forward these when we are adults and do the same to our children. Some cycle breakers like me will be labeled as “bad parents,” too, since we do not teach our kids to be “good” to everyone! 

The worst is hearing the “bad kid” label aloud from the visiting adult and the parents instead of speaking for the child and agreeing with the person. It can affect the child the most since the innermost voice tears up thinking: “oh, my parent doesn’t love me.” It is the worst you can do to any child at that time. Even if you do not hit the child, this inner child is “hit” virtually for life!

The concept of Reparenting came about in the 1960s by an unconventional psychotherapist Jacqui Lee Schiff. She and her husband pioneered a therapy based on the transactional analysis theory in psychology. It is a form of treatment that involves assessing and analyzing an individual’s social interactions as a Parent, Adult, and Child. Social interactions were considered “transactions,” The therapist generally empowers the client to become more robust and independent in their approach towards life, minus blaming the caregivers or guardians in their life. Schiff and her husband called the therapy (that they formulated) Total Regression Reparenting. They claimed to have cured Schizophrenic patients using regression. The patients were in their care for years till they got fixed entirely. Their therapy was, however, rejected back then by leading psychologists and psychoanalysts. This concept is coming back, though, and is being termed “New Age Psychotherapy.” There were many variations of Reparenting introduced by psychologists after Schiff. 

Modern Transactional Analysis or TA includes elements of “psychoanalytic, humanist, and cognitive ideas.” It uses a person’s “ego” state to heal them. It helps the person to alter the ego state (Parent-Adult-Child) and learn new life skills to move away from “pity” mode, mind games, compulsive behaviours or OCDs, poor problem-solving skills, and other issues affecting an individual. The therapist sort of dons the role of a parent and helps the “inner child” in you to deal and cope with the problems mentioned above in an improved way. 

Once we identify our behaviour towards children – how we react to them in various situations, we will get a fair idea about our parenting style (no need for a quiz). But yes, do examine the statements right at the beginning of the article. 

Activity: 

Consider doing a role play with your children and ask questions to them. For instance, ask your child to imagine themselves as a parent and you as a child. Give hypothetical situations to them:

1. I spill milk on the table. What will you do?
2. I scream and sing at the top of my voice. What will you do?
3. I get low marks on my tests. What will be your reaction?
4. What would you do if I did something wrong and refused to apologize?
5. What would you do if I did something for you and did not say “thank you”?
6. What would you do if I watched TV twice a day without your permission?
7. How would you react if I went out with my boyfriend and came back late?
8. I lie to you and go out for a movie with friends. You come to know later that I lied. How will you react?

The sample of questions you can set for your children. Be open to hearing their responses and answers. Keep an open mind.

Remember that you will get honest replies and must be mentally prepared for them since they will await your reactions too. I will not predict the answers for you here. But this is an exercise I practice with my 8-year-old regularly and keep checking for my behaviour from time to time. 

Disclaimer: These are not indicators that you are a terrible parent. You need not be obsessive about doing this all the time. But may give you an indication that you need to re-examine parenting. It may give you an idea of the primary signs of parental neglect you may have faced based on the answers your children give. You may also revisit your childhood voices, who may have heard these statements above at one point.

Sending healing vibes to all unhealed parents out there. Signing off with this thought: “A happy parent means a happier child and a joyous childhood”!

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Red flags. Is it common in a relationship? It seems so. Not just in any romantic affinities. One can see it in any relationship – between colleagues, friends, sisters, brothers, or family members. So what is a red flag? A forewarning indication that reveals harmful and unhealthy or manipulative conduct. 

A committed relationship between partners needs work and effort. Period. The point to cite here is ‘commitment from both ends.’ Applies to any relationship. First, what should one be aware of?

Stay put and believe in yourself over anyone else. Do not hold another accountable for what your thoughts are. Likewise, do not allow anyone to hold you responsible for something you haven’t done. There should be mutual respect for what two people believe and do. 

Anger is a gigantic red flag. Someone who does not know how to control anger is a person who needs help. On the other hand, you must not lose your cool and end up being a toxic person, either. Anger management takes time, and anyone willing to work on it will eventually bear fruit. 

Jealousy, over-possessiveness, lack of trust, and lack of emotional maturity are other red flag in any relationship. One must allow another to grow, develop and explore at their own pace. It would help if you were not forced or forced to see beyond what you see. Over-dependency of any sort is a killer – may it be an emotional, intellectual, financial, or social dependency. Allow yourself space and time to figure out your life. Likewise, allow your partner or friend to do so too. Autonomy is good for overall well-being. A lack of space in a relationship will ruin any connection in the long run. 

Abuse of any sort is a red flag that must not be left unnoticed. Abuse is not always physical and does not always involve violent acts. Unfortunately, some abusers know very well how to play the cards. Emotional, financial, psychological, and social abuse is all widespread but often unrecognized. Never allow anyone to take the best of you, and do not let yourself down for anyone. 

You are feeling guilty and playing the victim. Some people live in self-pity, and it is often too confusing to understand who the victim in such situations is. As human beings with emotions and mood swings, we are all quite toxic in our ways – the best of us know how to handle things better and live accordingly. Therefore, it is essential to recognise where you need help and be vocal about the whole thing. You must not feel guilty for doing something you always wanted – you must not let anyone else feel so. 

Red flags can be anything that destroys the foundation of a good relationship that stands strong with love, trust, kindness, honesty, loyalty, and humane. Be the person who sets your boundaries first and helps others to set theirs and respect others when they say no. 

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A person listening to this term for the first time will think it is an actual ghost lurking around them. Is it not? It is somewhat the same in terms of semantics, but here, we are talking about the human ghost. Flummoxed? While the other ghost is not absolute and a figment of your imagination or perhaps supernatural, this human ghost is someone who will be around you all the time and suddenly vanish from your radar! You will not hear from the person or be able to see or access them. You might keep wondering: what just happened? The worst part about this “ghost” is that you do not know whether they will return and, if they do come back, how to pick up the threads lost in the time gap. 

How many have experienced the above? Do you also have a human ghost like the one mentioned above? If yes, then stay away from the person. Ghosting a person means breaking the other person’s trust too. You do not know why they did so and the circumstances, which makes us even warier about remaining friends with them. How do we build trust with such people? 

We often make friends because we connect with them, bond closely, and sync with their thoughts (and vice versa). However, when you feel you can open up to someone and be friends with them, they suddenly go off the radar without giving any reasons. It can be the most frustrating experience since we are caught unawares – off the hook.

If this ghost is your boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse or partner it can leave you hurt and traumatized. So, once you know that they are ghosting you, please maintain boundaries (unless there is a severe reason) with the person. Ghosting comes in the form of all types of relationships. Sometimes, it could be a parent or a spouse as well. They can stop talking to you and not be bothered by explaining. The victim, aka you, will be poorly left guilt-tripping, thinking you are the one who did something wrong or imagining the worst about the missing person. 

Social Media “Ghosts.”

Ghosting can be highly toxic to any individual – reel or real life. In virtual life, ever since social media has become essential for everyone, ghosting has become somewhat of a simple affair. On social media, people can create fake profiles and chat with you like genuine friends (all genders), and one day, when you go to check your chats, the person’s profile itself would have vanished – perhaps deleted. These “ghosts” are dangerous ‘coz they get close to you only when they need information and to scam people financially as well. Cyber security experts also advise everyone to be cautious of social media contacts. They say unless you know them personally (even friends of friends of friends don’t count as personal), please do not share sensitive information about family or finances with the person. Mostly this happens during dating too. You get attracted to people on social media and fall in love. After a few months, the chats may get intimate too. They ask for photographs of you in intimate poses, and after a while, they will suddenly vanish – an extremely dangerous ploy to trap vulnerable people. So, beware of such “ghosts” as well. 

In the guise of friendship and later love, these ghosts take advantage of your weaknesses and even may reach your house or other family members. But, they will not be seen anywhere on the horizon after a few days.

Familial “Ghosts”

There can be spouses and even parents ghosting you. In many cases observed across India, men exited their marriage, leaving wives soon after the wedding, and went to a foreign land. Eventually, they cut off ties silently, and the girls are left to fend for themselves. The husband’s families refuse to show accountability and do not reveal their son’s location or job details. This phenomenon of ghosting is rampant across certain northern and southern parts of India, where sons are married off to procure dowry money for sending them abroad for a promising future while the wives are left behind. Once they go abroad, the “husbands” become inaccessible, and there is no way that anyone can trace them as well. The trick is simple. Before marriage, they trick the girl’s family into believing the husband will settle abroad and take their wives with them once they marry. But this never happens. Wives are permanently left behind. Many men are known to get married again and settle with natives of the foreign country too. Even after Police complaints and criminal cases submitted, the law has punished very few ghosts. Similarly, some parents abandon their children too and ghost them completely. They leave children on the pretext of earning better wages and never returning. 

Sadly, there are few laws to punish these criminals, and ghosting continues. The person who is the victim of ghosting has a lifetime of traumas to endure. It becomes tough, especially for married women, to move on and lead lonely lives in the false hopes that their spouses will return to them someday. In some cases, these ghosts leave children behind too fatherless/parentless. Victims are unaware of the fact that they are married and settled elsewhere.

1. Constantly canceling plans with you.
2. Avoiding social gatherings/parties with you.
3. Don’t want to be seen together with you in public spaces.
4. Rarely or never responding to calls or texts when not meeting you.
5. They don’t share personal details or information.
6. Receiving suspicious calls when they meet you and not revealing who it was.
7. Flaky conversations. (that lack any depth) 
8. Refusing to talk about any conflicts.
9. Avoid interacting with those with blank profile pictures or pictures of symbols/pictures/paintings on social media. Most of the time, while beginning to interact with you, there will be a human picture. Eventually, that picture gets replaced. So, beware!
10.  RUN! If they ask you for your bank account/Aadhaar card details, run as far as possible.

Often, ghosting could be a fear of getting attached to people, avoiding conflicts – a fight/flight reaction to situations, lack of familiar friends between you and the ghost. Lastly, people also ghost because it is a toxic relationship. Whatever the reason, one should not ghost anyone without having an open conversation. A healthy discussion before exiting a relationship gives proper closure to both people. Even if the connection is highly abusive and toxic, you can find a common friend/relative to convey your message of why you exited the relationship. Ghosting is common during dating. You vanish or delete your profiles when you find that the person you are dating is incompatible with you, especially on dating apps. But a better way would be to convey your thoughts and then move on. You can probably wish your date good luck in finding a suitable partner. 

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Good energy, positive vibes, 3 am friends, hangout buddies, impromptu movie-popcorn sessions, unlimited laughter, and crazy souls – all rolled into one are your girl buddies. If you have one, cherish them for life!

I am sure all of you have such a girl gang who are ready to wake up in the middle of the night to hear you rant, vent and cry! But, just like a boy gang, a close-knit girl gang has the power to lift you, boost you when you are at your lowest, and fight for you with anyone in the world! A girl squad around can be your best pillars of strength. 

The first visual I get of a girl squad on reels are my favorite “Sex and The City” gang – sexy, sassy, sophisticated, classy, and wild. Fans of this series and movie will have a favourite character. My all-time favourite is Samantha Jones (played by Kim Cattrall), a sassy, bold, and brash yet caring PR professional. This mid-40s girl always shares her affairs and dating adventures with her girl gang, peps them up and is always by their side when the band needs her advice! Followed by her, I love Carrie Bradshaw (played by Sarah Jessica Parker in the same movie). She is a columnist for a leading newspaper and is highly independent. Yet, no matter how much her emotions rule her, she is always balanced and rational regarding her friends – already with tissue boxes and advice. Another series that has been extremely popular and given girl squad goals is “Four More Shots Please” (S1 & S2). A story of four women in Mumbai who are carefree, wild, and unapologetically flawed and who stick by each other in all situations – hookups, breakups, one-night stands, or even boyfriend blues! There are myriad such series and movies on girl squads on all digital platforms. 

*Do mention your favourite reel/celluloid character or a girl gang in the comments section*

In real life, too, I have been extremely fortunate to find a powerful girl gang wherever I went. No matter how many cities I changed, wherever I traveled, or jobs I switched, all my girlfriends have been a cocktail of sexy, sassy, sophisticated, bold, classy, and wild. I can still text or message them at any time of the day/night. 

10 Perks of Having a Girl Squad

1. Tell you why you should and could go wrong and how you can pick yourself up after you go down.
A crazy gang can only do this; they will stick by your side and push you to do things you haven’t done.

2. Pull you up when you are at your lowest and tell you that you are the best!
Be it a breakup, a bad day at work, or anything that has ruined your day, girlfriends are sure to give you a hug, take you for a drink, and perhaps even challenge you to do things you have never done!

3. Fight for you when you are losing and root for you when you are winning. 
They will be the first to throw a sucker punch at anyone messing around with you. They help you size up your enemies and make sure that you win every battle! 

4. Acknowledge and validate your feelings and emotions, and reinforce positivity. 
Your girl squad will be the first to gate crash your house, bring a tissue box, and lend you their unconditional listening. They will be the only ones to understand and empathize with you. It could even be an impromptu party at your place to celebrate a workplace promotion or the success of your project. They will do anything to boost you up!

5. You are the best critic if you choose the wrong path as well. 
If they find you embarking on a wrong route, they will be the first to drag you off the track and lash at you. In the whole wide world, they will be the ones to still stick by you and your choices. They might look like they will leave you (seeing their reactions) but believe me, they won’t!

6. They can be your best travel buddies. 
Whether you are single or married, you can take a trip with them to any part of the world together. Hang out, chill, and relax. They will have the best travel tips for you as well.

7. You can be yourself – your true, raw, unfiltered self. 
You can be your wildest and craziest with them. Not to worry about how they will view you. Perks of a girl gang: have an impromptu dress-up session, click selfies and do a ramp walk! Try out the craziest foods and recipes with them. 

8. Non-judgemental, unconditional love – You can be YOU with them! 
Only ones to form a circle and include you in every part of their life. The bonding is priceless.

9. Best emotional wellness boosters 
You don’t need a therapist if you have a strong girl squad! They make up for all the experts, and life coaches in the world – always full of the right advice – age no bar!

10. Age no bar 
They are your soulmates and ones with whom you can grow old. You can make all your “forever” plans and bucket lists with them and they will make sure you do it all!! Nothing will ever be missed out. 

Girls have changed the history and trends of countries. If they come together, you can be double sure they will make a wave wherever they go. Most campaigns worldwide, including the famous #MeToo campaign, prove that girl squads are powerful. Be it workplace harassment, sexual harassment, or abuse, girls stick by their tribe! They have the power to influence the society around them. They are pure rule breakers and can shake the world. Be it Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, or any social media platform, you can see how trollers can get reverse-trolled by girl gangs and made to shut up! No injustice is tolerated. None can mess with them!

So, girls, what are you waiting for? Find your tribe (if you still haven’t). Get your gang, plan a trip, a lunch date or a cuppa and explore the world. Don’t ever let go of each other ‘coz “Why should you not have fun!”

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