Well, I am part of this generation where phones are smarter than people and no one cares! I don’t mind being a part of this era, but what bothers me is how selfishness has taken a toll on young minds.
Honestly, I believe that my values determine my worth! Therefore, it is a big deal for me to hold onto those small things that perhaps youngsters today may simply close their eyes to. As a Literature graduate, I learned in my class that morals and values build us as humans, and disregarding them for whatever reason would be utter suicide!
Already we have reached a saturation point where no one has the time for anyone. Everyone is too busy making online friends that they are losing out on real friends and family! I am witnessing that everyone is too busy making a wall around themselves that kind of is like an entrapment of virtually connected human beings who give no heed to whatever happens to someone else! Values today have come down to simply writing about them on blogs and Facebook timelines!
Talking of today’s value systems, from the language the young minds are exposed to, to the kind of novels and movies that are released, everything has advanced for the worse. Storylines are more violent and “to the face” and literature has lost its serenity. Vulgarity is misinterpreted as “open-minded” and families are looked upon as “burden”. The Church has become the weekend destination and the workplace, the Holy sanctuary! No one likes the idea of commitment and the importance of holding on. In fact, there is no “holding on” business at all these days. All of us are too busy running the race. Little do we realize that the race is a never-ending one and that we need to take a pause somewhere, sometime, or else we might just go out of breath!
Not only talking of all those endless joys that we kind of miss out on today, not about those family dinners, not those sandcastles we built back then, not those silly tea parties that happened in the late evenings; I am talking of those small things that we don’t value today! Those small expressions of love and gratitude, those honest hugs we gave our friends, those real birthday wishes, and those impeccable hides and seek games; we are missing out on a lot more than we could ever imagine!
We are a generation where the mother has no time for the child and the smartphone babysits a child; a generation where the father is equivalent to an ATM card; a generation where friends are no more a source of trust and love; a generation where love is lost more than found; a generation where the value of goods go up but not ours!
We are a generation that can make a difference, unfortunately, we are just not bothered. Well, let us be! It’s what we are here for. We must make sure we live according to our morale and believe that it is the only way to lead a generation that may be even worse!
When Valentine’s month is around the corner, every year, the “perfect love” quotes suddenly get more Google hits and clicks. Quotes go viral on all texting platforms. Online portals’ sales go up a month ahead so that the “perfect gift” reaches the respective Valentines. “So, what did u gift your Valentine?” is the chosen question by all people around you. What are you doing for your loved one? All of a sudden, FB and Twitter start brimming with posts and quotes on definitions of perfect love.
Over a period of time, decades and various eras, the definitions of love have changed a lot. Bollywood, Hollywood and the entire celluloid defined “perfect” love for us. Archies and Hallmark added a dash of love with sprinkles of specially customized printed cards and e-cards. Now, lovey-dovey messages, quotes and memes on social media platforms declaring their love for a special someone are the new trend.
Perfect love has been defined as an “everlasting sans blemishes” love – those perfect love confessions, perfect proposals, perfect weddings et al. But, have you ever thought how skewed perfect love can be? For instance, what is perfect for you may not be for your partner or someone else. And we often look for that “perfect” partner with “perfect” traits and subsequently a “perfect” life too with “perfect” kids too.
Social Conditioning et al
Years of conditioning have made our own forefathers and generations of parents to make everything look perfect for us. During our growing years, we have seen these “perfect” relationships. Hence the idea of a perfect partner got seeded at a young age too. In the old era, flaws in a person were looked down upon as the ultimate blemish and seen as reasons for a relationship to fail. Couples were meant to be perfect in every way. Of course, the measures of perfection were how well one performed our respective gender roles – pre-set functions expected out of us in society, abilities and social knack to live a certain lifestyle, education, job and even parenting. Perfections are never ending.
So why not change this? Break some traditional codes in relationships. Change definitions of love or rather enjoy imperfections in your partner. How about finding a special one who is not-so-perfect, yet someone who embraces us with our own flaws? I would say someone who is as crazy as you and someone to handle your craziness and vice versa. The one who is unafraid of loving oneself and others around minus judgements.
What I suggest may appear a dreamy prospect for some, a utopia for many and even something impossible! Believe me, it isn’t! Just change the frames of your specs and the colour of your glasses – you are all set! So, take the imperfect route.
10 REASONS WHYPriya's recipe for an "Im-perfect” Love Story
1. Its Okay not to be Okay
The best feeling is to accept that things are not okay in your relationship. It is perfectly fine to talk to each other about it. There are lesser conflicts once we know that things are not fine at either end. You should be able to make your relationship so strong that you can express yourself without feeling scared of your partner’s reactions. It goes both ways!
2. No-Rules relationship
Make a thumb rule not to make any rules. Bonds grow stronger when there aren’t any terms & conditions or rules binding each other. Go with the flow, give each other space to grow in the relationship.
3. Walk the Unconventional path
Walking the traditional path hasn’t done any good for relationships. So reverse relationship goals. Change your couple goals – ones which will complement each other, fill in each other’s shoes rather than compete with each other. No one has to be better than the other or try hard to attain goals to be perfect in the relationship.
4. You can be Parallel Lines – Let’s agree to disagree
The moment an argument starts or a discussion where one disagrees, the first thing that happens is to slam the doors, windows, throw things and what not – even go into silent mode (torture mode). Instead choose the peace method – I agree to disagree with you. It is perfectly fine not to be in sync with each other’s opinions lest we become programmed “yes” robots.
5. Make different traditions
Go against conventions and create your own traditions. If you have couple goals, make sure you change them from time to time. The moment you feel things are going in the same monotonous pace, break the codes and change the rhythms.
Little rituals like impromptu dates over coffee, drinks or simply a movie will keep the relationship afresh! Perhaps plan a travel and go backpacking. Just take baby steps instead of thinking of milestones to take off pressure on performing better in a relationship. After all, we don’t want a performance appraisal at home.
6. Be what you are!
Don’t attempt to change yourself and don’t expect your partner to do the same too. When you are in a relationship, it is natural to show your best side. It is extremely instinctive to change your traits to suit your partner or for peace and harmony in your relationship. This will keep you genuine and honest. It is okay to be the way you are but accept your partner with his/her flaws as well and be honest to each other about it. Stretching oneself to have a perfect relationship will only make it more flawed!
7. Listen to your heart, go by instincts
There is a quote I read somewhere – “Music is the beatbox of the heart”. The same way instincts are the beatbox of every relationship. For couples to remain honest and organic to each other, they must go by instincts and gut feelings to be more responsive and empathetic to their partners. It will help keep the relationship grounded. You will instinctively know when your partner is low, wants to resolve a conflict/perhaps just change the rhythm. Just sit down and talk. If nothing works, pen it down in a diary and talk about it with your partner too. Expressing how you sense your partner’s discomfort and happiness from time-to-time, will make you walk a longer path with your partner. This has to be mutual, though!
8. Keep communication channels open
Open yourself to conversations – short, long, deep or even surface level – with your partner. This will help both of you develop more respect for each other. Love only grows when you share. The more you share your emotions, thoughts and your soul with your partner, the more the paths to each other’s hearts will be smooth. There maybe nothing to talk at times – even sitting next to each other in silence speaks a lot! Staccato conversations amidst silence also brings two people closer.
9. Touch, hug and kiss
Words have magic to stir you but a touch has the power to stir a million nerves and the cords of the heart! Physical proximity will help you develop stronger bonds. Touch boosts instincts and empathy between people. So, touch, hug and kiss, probably give a peck on the cheek too! Another added bonus: a healthier life.
10. Treasure every li’l moment
Photographs, diaries, mementos, gifts and moments…cherish all of them! Memories are the best gift in any relationship and they last the longest. People may lose their wealth, assets and materials but memories are something that will remain forever – even after you die. The moments you create with your partner will remain with you till you grow old and beyond. Bonds get stronger when u revisit each memory from time to time. It reminds you of the good moments as well as the not-so-good ones too. But each moment matters. Do not lose any moment – capture them and cherish them forever!
So, my first question to all of you: what is your idea of perfect love and a perfect relationship? Think carefully and you may post it in the comments section of my blog here.
We are all forgetful time and again of how in a race we are caught up and how we have evolved from being socially, emotionally, and interpersonally bound and attached, to being detached from even our very own selves!
Time has come, my friends, to look into the scene and pave way for a generation that does not need blog posts and articles to know and “learn” what it is like to smile wholeheartedly and be happy overwhelmingly. The problem with us is that we don’t have the time for the little, beautiful things that truly add value to us – we are constantly after the greater things, unaware of the fact that the smaller things are the very fragments of the greater things that we are so eager about!
The power of little things like being grateful and smiling at one another is forgotten. Values are not valued anymore and old school is shamed for no reason. Old school, however, teaches us to be productive, active, happier, and patient; giving us important life lessons like being honest and keeping good people around us. Old school teaches us the importance of staying put and grounded. Old school also teaches us that “old school” is the place you will come back to in the end. To never forget your roots.
We are constantly in the dilemma of whether or not to listen to the age-old lectures of our elders or go with the flow of this peer-pressured life. We tend to take the shorter, more “fun” road over the possibly right one. However, there will be a point in time when we will finally realize the importance of that “right” road and maybe that moment will be one when nothing really can be done about the lost time, energy and opportunities.
Life is too short to just go with the flow. Life is too short to not smile. Life is too short to not experience. Life is too short for detachments. Life is too short to realize later the things that mattered. Life is too short to worry over the split milk.
So, smile and take that old school lessons seriously; travel through the road where things are much clear and happier. The road in which worries are just part of who we are and not the destination in which we need to invest the whole of our lives and peace in. The old school IS the new school.
Even from my childhood, I couldn’t combat the temptation of my wild dreams to transcribe. I know they were inexpensive. All I needed was a pencil and a piece of paper. It was absolute bliss. I then realised that I wasn’t the only one. Many from my peer group were also engrossed in the sheer pleasure of doing it. Engaging in writing and reading the narrative of the visual imagery brings enormous pleasure.
Of course, the passion continues as the day goes on. Writing makes my heart sing. Daydreaming uplifts me and deeply reverberates with me. It does something to me. It makes me feel alive amidst sorrow, rejection, overburdened domestic duties, office works, and so on. My mind escapes to a certain world.
This was happening very often, I have to admit. I was wondering if it was the state of a relaxed mind, to escape from the vagaries of day-to-day life. It must be the same for many others also. It’s important to have the courage to live with what bemuse you. Yes, it’s ok, absolutely ok for me. It’s the confidence to go ahead with a completely personal choice, whether someone reads me, appreciates me, criticises me, makes fun of me, it never mattered. I just want to acknowledge myself, enjoy myself.
The pleasure and joy of bringing out the inner self matter. The confidence to look at what’s in a piece of paper, the complete delight, the joy of surrounding oneself with the comfort of a completed art form that resonates and sings a beautiful melody that matters. It has given me the truest opportunity.
As the saying goes, Life’s an opportunity. A dearest opportunity. Yes, I always want to grab that opportunity. Find your inner self, there may be something hidden, turn it towards the bright sunlight. The choice is yours.
Appreciating oneself for little things, whispering sweet nothings to yourself, a little pat and hug to yourself for achieving something, or when you did some good deed is defined as self-love. Philosophically speaking, many of our saints have said this: self-love is a way to attain the highest levels of spirituality. If you love yourself, it means you have reached the spiritual realms too. So, it is lovely to have this warm fuzzy feeling of loving oneself.
But I often ponder and wonder if this word had not been coined, would we know what it is to love oneself unconditionally? The answers are mixed. We do know that we should appreciate ourselves and love ourselves too – but we don’t!
Some think it is mandatory to prioritize our family first above us, while a few of us think unless we appreciate ourselves, we cannot love others. Mostly it is the former group that is the majority everywhere and ends up behind in priority rankings in receiving love. Don’t you think so? Ah, but this is utopian, most of you would say! I agree too ‘coz I have done it myself too! I still believe we can make it real too – we can be the majority in prioritizing ourselves. There is nothing wrong in it. My favourite quote has always been: You can’t pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself first!
So, what makes us do this – neglect ourselves? In most cultures, races, and ethnicities in the world, people are conditioned to ignore themselves and lead their lives for the sake of others, put others’ happiness above theirs, and love others more than themselves. Even the slogan and war cry of every defence force in the world says we are supposed to put our society before us. But that is for the homeland, not applicable to normal citizens. Let’s change this punchline and save ourselves first. If you happen to fly in any airline, even the safety instructions say we are to save ourselves first and then our fellow passengers. Then why don’t we apply this in real life too? Give love to ourselves first – we can love our loved ones better.
Fight/Flight – You choose!
Societal conditioning is so strong that people who put themselves first or show they love themselves are scorned at, looked down upon, and labeled as “show-offs” or “selfish”. I have been called selfish many times whenever I expressed opinions with some friends in the past saying it is good to think about oneself first.
Society does this. People live in fear each time they decide to be happy in their life. It has become a matter of life and death as to “what will society say” if I did this or took a particular step. Right from deciding every milestone in our life to choosing a life partner, society misuses this power of “they have the right to choose our happiness”. They bully you into thinking that the moment you decide to choose oneself or take decisions to be happy, you will be unhappier. It is a fight or flight situation for many.
A majority end up in the “flight” category as many choose to keep society happy by remaining unhappy. I never really advocate the “fight” as in physical fight options (as in the celluloid) but stand for yourself by taking decisions for yourself, ignoring societal norms. Standing up for yourself, I reckon needs guts but once you take the first step, it is equivalent to a million steps taken already, and “society” is already in line. There will be a few days of cribbing, ostracism, increased bullying tactics, etc but in the end, you will discover happiness and peace once you wear horse blinders.
My love for celluloid and Bollywood reminds me of another classic example of a Big B movie Kaaliya’s dialogue (has a symbolic connection to self-love for me) – Hum Jahan khade hote hain, line wahan se shuru hoti hai. It literally means I set the trends. If I love it, I do it and if people love what I do, then why not. I inspire people to do it! So, be the trendsetter and start loving yourself more!
Keys to Self-Love
It took me 35 years to break the body-shaming code and accept my body for what it is – wear clothes that I love. When I finally broke that code, it was my first step towards self-love – pure unconditional love. For many of you, I am sure self-love is a “work-in-progress” or a “yet-to-begin” task. But the first step is crucial.
Here are 10 things to do:
Begin the day alone – your favourite cup of tea/coffee/any beverage you like. Sit with your pet/your garden. Enjoy the silence.
Choose a time after work to switch off from anything remotely digital – phone, laptop, tablet, or whatever you can think of. Spend that time with your family or perhaps a friend.
Choose a day in the week to be outdoors with yourself – go out, pamper yourself, eat what you want, indulge in retail therapy, watch a movie – basically date yourself!
Mark dates on the calendar to look after yourself physically and mentally too – circle dates for health check-ups or meeting your therapist (if any).
Go backpacking (smaller locations according to your budget) or any small adventure for a few days to begin with. Travel is the best way to pamper yourself and a great stress buster too.
Compliment yourself for tasks you have achieved – mini-tasks (at work/home) can be made into milestones! Cooking and cleaning aren’t menial jobs so please take time to pat yourself on the back for the same.
Dress up. Make sure you wear a new outfit from your wardrobe daily (even if you are working from home), admire yourself, and sit like you are at your workplace. Just looking good too gives a good high.
Go for a whole-body massage once in a while. Schedule an appointment with a good masseur. A massage activates all the muscles, tendons, and nerves in the body and also gets the hormones flowing in the blood too!
Create a bucket list (if you haven’t already) and start doing them one by one. It could be anything you always wanted to do but you couldn’t. Once you begin doing it, ticking off each and everyone will give you a natural high of achievement!
The last is the best. Learn to say NO when you don’t want to do something that doesn’t feel right for you. It is equivalent to respecting your feelings and loving yourself for all decisions taken.
And finally, always remember “You were born to be real, not perfect”. You get to decide whether you are good, bad, or ugly! Be what you are and love yourself!
When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Life is a beautiful jigsaw puzzle that entraps a myriad of little things that make up for our state of being happy or upset with what is going on. It is not fair or possible to be all smiles all the time. Life is also about challenges, obstacles, sorrows, reasonings, failures, tears, losses, and a lot more.
It is up to each one to measure the amount of stress or effort to put into resolving and coming to terms with such situations. That is how and when one gets to be tough, strong, and a balanced human being. Only when we are struck by something out of the way will we realise that we need to find the way back home! Once in a while, when we are barraged out of the blue, with something we never expected to happen, do we learn to expect the unexpected. Only when the going gets tough will we ever know the importance of being tough. Those are the times we recognize and realise that we are stronger than we think we are.
Life throws a lot of things at us. A lot of – people, opportunities, resources, time, situations, outcomes. And depending on the choices we exercise, these opportunities, resources, situations could turn out either successfully or far from the way we ever intended them to.
Our choices design the consequences: at other times a different concoction of circumstances may create a path that we never expected – good or bad! It is when many of these things pile up, that we tend to feel that life is a trampoline, spread like the stars in space – now seen, now not: with no uniformity in the bounce yet perfect as only Nature in wild abandon can be.
The going, may I dare to say, will never get better. We must make the most of yesterday’s learning, today’s time, and tomorrow’s plans. Remember not to beat yourself up: for you did the best with what you could when you did and how you could have done it!
Failure is not the opposite side of success: instead, it is the stepping stone to find what works. And if a particular strategy didn’t, there’s a lesson learnt. In the distance you find waves rising and falling, birds soaring and swooping, tides ebbing and rising – there may be a lull for a while but the pattern resumes and never ends.
While you fix your focus ahead, a glance over your shoulder will remind you of the several tough times you have already crossed to get where you are. Keep treading along life’s journey knowing that you are fully equipped, perfectly poised, and absolutely ready to grasp your dream and make it true. Ships are not built to stay harboured in ports. Welcome the tough times with the same thrill as when you scale up the mountains: for those are the ones that will lead you to the pinnacle you’re aiming for.
Trust your struggle – keep moving and focus on the goal. Sure, life is tough – but then, so are you and soon you will see how beautifully you have grown through whatever you have gone through!
Presenting to you, Kajal P. Moosa, devoted teacher, passionate dancer, spirited performer, dynamic anchor, and fashion model & last but not the least, the Head of Kindergarten section, Rajagiri Public School, Doha, Qatar.
For Kajal, teaching is her life’s passion. From an early age, all she dreamt of was being a teacher and for the last two decades, she has been instructing and guiding thousands of children through the successful completion from kindergarten to move on to higher grades. Kajal’s schooling mindset is that every kid should be familiarised with the instruments they need to demonstrate their own learning style. She also leaves plenty of room to celebrate the students’ imaginations with activities and hands-on experiences. Kajal has been the Head of Kindergarten for the last seven years.
Join us in conversation with Kajal P. Moosa. Let’s discover together her journey into the world of education. Let’s find out what made her the woman she is today.
A conversation with Chippy & Kajal P. Moosa, Head of Kindergarten, Rajagiri Public School, Doha, Qatar.
Chippy————
Hey Kajal, Happy New Year. How is the new year treating you?
Kajal
It has been so busy since the new year. I don’t know what to say. I have had my mom and brother visit me, which is always a happy time. And I am sure it’s definitely going to be a year full of surprises.
Chippy
Great to know you had a good start. Let’s dive in. Who is Kajal today?
Kajal
A difficult question, nonetheless an excellent question to start with. First, let me just say it out loud, I’m content with my life. I feel that now I have become a responsible person. At this point in my life, I know I influence people, especially colleagues, and family. I’m also a person who enjoys being loved and to be loved.
Chippy
And professionally, how would you say who you are?
Kajal
Professionally, I reached what I dreamt of what I wanted to be. I had many dreams, my first dream was to become a teacher, and my passion was dance. Today I can say, I am a teacher, a mentor, a dancer, a student, occasional model and anchor. I have many hats that I pull off.
Chippy
You said you had many dreams.
Kajal
Yeah, a few. At the beginning, I wished to be a teacher. I used to imitate being a teacher wearing a sari, a handbag on the shoulder with a red pen in hand and taking out our old notebooks and markings and correcting. I can confidently say I always wished to be a teacher. That was my first dream, though it changed a lot afterwards.
During fifth or sixth grade, I thought of becoming a lawyer. Then, I don’t know whether you remember Chippy, during eighth or ninth grade, I had a diary, where I used to do a lot of designing. So that time I wish to become a fashion designer. Later there was a time when MBA was very popular, so I wish to pursue MBA. So it kept changing every now and then.
Chippy
And dance? Did you learn dance professionally? Who was your guru?
Kajal
90% I can say I studied on my own because I belong to a minority group and there were a lot of restrictions to learning dance, which is against our rules. So it was extremely difficult to learn privately. But in school, I got a lot of opportunities. My teachers at school recognised my talent, and I got a lot of opportunities there.
When I advanced to college I found out that I love doing choreography. After a few events, I was amazed and said to myself, ‘Oh my God, I did this’. I felt proud of my work and I for the first time felt I have a talent. . Yeah, it was you know, that opportunity, whatever it is. I took it as a challenge and made it work for me. My family supported me, especially my mom. Only because of that I did it.
Chippy————
After school…
Kajal
I completed two years of Pre- Degree and later three years of Bachelor of Arts in History.
Chippy
During these five years, you were involved in all major and minor cultural events and competitions on behalf of your college. Tell me more about that.
Kajal
Oh Yeah, I still remember my first dance. It was the pre-degree freshers Day event held at AVM Hall in UC college Aluva. I was nervous, confused, and tensed about how the audience would react. When I was at the back stage I heard shouting, howling, for other programs before my scheduled slot. So I was expecting the same when my turn came.
As soon as I walked on stage, I felt complete silence. Music was on and I danced to my heart’s content and I sensed the same from my audience, they clapped along with my beats and at the end, I heard the whole hall cheering for me, I can still hear the applause I got that day. It was unbelievable to me. I was literally in tears.
My classmates, batch-mates, seniors, teachers, everyone appreciated my performance and that was the beginning of my dance life and choreography for the next five years. I didn’t turn back. Dance groups, drama groups, and many arts groups started reaching out to me, they invited me to different programs. And I started choreographing and later entered university competitions. Thinking about those moments still gives me goosebumps.
Chippy
You got married early. How did that change your course of life?
Kajal
I belong to a traditional family, and they reckon getting married early is very significant. But my family promised me marriage solely after my graduation. But suddenly, this marriage proposal came. And my father told me, ‘Kajal, let them come. You don’t have to commit to anything. Meet. the man, talk to him, and you decide.’ I said okay. I was very excited and also nervous at the same time. One day they came to meet me, and all I remember is dressing up, walking towards a man with a tray serving tea. We were allowed to speak to each other for fifteen minutes. And that changed me. Of course, we cannot understand a person in five to ten minutes, but somehow I felt he was the right man for me. I did sense I would be safe with him.
Chippy
What was so special about him?
Kajal
Shan. He was different. His thinking deck was different, not like any other person I have met. Yeah, from that chat itself, I understood his reflections on matters were diverse. I come from a family where everyone was doing business. I require somebody who comes from a family who gives importance to education. He was educated, an aeronautical engineer by profession. During our conversation, we agreed on completing my studies, he was encouraging and that made it easy for me to make a decision. I said yes to my father and they fixed the dates and we got engaged and then married.
Chippy
Up until now, you have lived all your life in a small town in Kerala. You had to move away, far away from everything you know and understand, your family, friends and places you are familiar with. How did this affect you?
Kajal
That’s true. Completely. I finished my graduation after marriage. And in 2001, moved to Qatar to be with my husband. New beginning with Shan. I was excited about the new phase of my life. Shan’s sisters were settled in Qatar, so it was very easy for me. When I arrived, they welcomed me warmly. So it was a very smooth transition. And within two weeks, I found myself working. I joined as a teacher in a school here.
Chippy
Just like that. That’s incredible. How did you land the job?
Kajal
After my arrival, I heard of a school that just opened its door a few months back. I approached the Principal and told him, ‘I just landed from India. I completed my graduation, I just finished my exam and I’m here. I need a job.’ The fact was that I didn’t know much about anything. Yeah, that’s the truth. Because of that I was very confident. I felt that I’m good. So I just approached the Principal. First, the principal was impressed with me and as I showed my cultural certificates, he said, ‘we have a vacancy in a Kindergarten. I want you also to take part in cultural activities for the school’. I was waiting for an opportunity to teach somebody to perform. And I joined as a Kindergarten Teacher there. You know, I was Bindass. That’s how I landed my first job.
Chippy
That’s impressive. Sheer confidence.
Kajal
During my tenure with the school, I was very active organizing, choreographing, and putting up shows for the school and that clicked very well. So from the beginning, I got a name for myself at school. So yeah, that was the beginning of my career as such, without any Kindergarten qualification, I joined and I completed one year at Shantiniketan School in Qatar.
Chippy————
Your dream of becoming a teacher is now a reality. What was it like the first time walking into a classroom?
Kajal
I do not have any qualifications as a Kindergarten Teacher. So when I entered the class, I saw a lot of tiny faces. I said to myself, ‘my God, I’m going to teach these small little kids! It’s really happening.’ And then one month passed, I really understood how to tackle, handle and be good with kids, how to take care of them, and how to teach them. And slowly I understood that of course, this is my passion more than anything else. I was certain, I chose the right profession. So, without knowing how to teach, I started teaching. Like that I completed one year. By the time I was pregnant with my first child.
Chippy
Being a mother is a blessing.
Kajal
Of course, I was thrilled. I had to resign from my position as my morning sickness was getting worse. After resigning I went back to India. After my delivery, I came back with my baby, Nargis. Shan’s sister had a play school so they took care of her when I went to work. So I was blessed to have a family around who was there to support me. We were close, we were neighbors. So it was very easy for me to just give my baby girl and go to work. I could not have done it without my extended family’s support, timely help and care. Above all Shan was understanding and he accepted my potential and supported me everytime.
Chippy
That was awesome. So now what’s ahead for you?
Kajal
Two months after my girl Nargis was born, I started applying for jobs. I tried in one of the top schools in Qatar. Again, it was a shock for me,as I didn’t have much experience and qualification. They called me for the interview and were very impressed. And there they told me to do a small performance. All really wanted to see my performance rather than my teaching. So they were really impressed and got my offer letter to join. It was a dream to join MES. There I saw my career and my tasks had come to a different level. Because lots and lots of associations were connected with the new school. And in my previous school, there were only 500 students. The new one had more than 10,000 students.
Chippy
It’s more like a university.
Kajal
Yeah, MES School, it was the biggest. In kindergarten itself we had nearly 1000 kids. First year, I was just a Kindergarten Teacher.I was not into any other programs,but I was waiting for the right time. However, I got an opportunity to show my talent during our Teacher’s day. It was a solid performance of mine and I performed in front of 600 teachers and Management members. Again, things changed from there. Mr. Majeed who was the Programme Coordinator for the whole school was impressed with my performance, after the event he came over and congratulated me. After that event we collaborated and worked on many events, programs with lots of associations as well. He was a guiding star and according to his wish, his theme, and a lot of thematic programs we did together inside and outside school, I was mainly given the responsibility of choreography. From there I went to a next level of exploring my talents, especially in my dance career. I also became the Cultural In-charge of the school.
Chippy
In MES, you were there for seven years and then you shifted.
Kajal
Things started changing slowly. As I got a lot of recognition over there, internal politics started playing a part and I was not able to be myself. Management, they were the best, always supportive of my ventures. Lot of politics and a lot of ego issues all came up. And I really thought that it’s time to move on, rather than making things complicated, I was at MES Indian School for seven years, one of the biggest schools and the oldest schools of Qatar. I am glad I worked there. Fond memories.
Chippy
So you decided to move…
Kajal
I thought of having some international experience and wanted to join an International school. Though I got a chance to teach, I didn’t continue there because my cultural activities got stagnant , did not have any space there. I came from a place where we had the opportunity to celebrate every festival and event, but in International schools, we have a lot of limitations.I realized that it’s not the right place for a person like me because I’m a person who really wants to explore and share my talents. I find happiness in dance. I want to teach the children dance. I have to involve myself, but at international school I didn’t get that opportunity. So I decided to leave from there. Then of course Indian schools are always waiting for me. I know that. Then again, I changed to another Indian school. I got an irresistible offer and joined the same school as my daughter as a Kindergarten Teacher.
Chippy
So change again…
Kajal
In Birla Publicschool I worked for 5 years in Kindergarten. I was happy there. I got enough time to associate with other organizations and I was happy so life was going smoothly over there. And all were happy with my teaching style. During my tenure there, I made sure I completed my Early Childhood Education Course. By this time it was becoming mandatory for Kindergarten educators to be qualified. Now, I have not only the experience but also the qualification. I also got certified from other international institutes for Pre-school Administration and also Child Psychology.
Chippy
Where did life take you from there?
Kajal
Yes, I was there for 5 years. I had a great time there, all were happy with my teaching, my work. All the parents were supportive, the Management was also supportive.
Chippy
I see a but coming…..
Kajal
No buts, truth be told, a new opportunity knocked. One of my dear friends and colleague Ms Reshmi, she called me aside and said, ‘Kajal, Rajagiri school is opening in Qatar, are you interested in being a Head and Coordinator for Kindergarten?’ My colleague was approached by a management consultant seeking a capable person who can be the Kindergarten Head for a new school and she suggested my name.I was first shocked and then overwhelmed and replied to her, “ how come you suggested my name?” She said, ‘Why not you, Kajal? You’re very capable for the role. Why can’t you do it?’ And I thought to myself, really, ‘am I capable of such a position, it’s a huge responsibility?’ Again, I applied, I was called for an interview. After three rounds of interviews, I was selected as the Head for Kindergarten at Rajagiri. And here I am. Now I’ve completed seven years and counting.
Chippy
Before you took charge of this role, you just had another baby. Right?
Kajal
Nargis was looking for a sibling since she was eight years old. Shan and myself felt she was lonely at home as we both have our own work. As a teacher, at home I had to set for the next day, have to plan for the next day and we have to bring work home all the time, it happens. It is not a 7:00 AM to 2:30 PM job. A teaching job is a 24 hour job. That is the only drawback I feel. So for Nargis, a sibling was essential. It was not as easy as we anticipated, the first one happened as we planned, for the second one, it took us a while to conceive. Six months after my second baby girl was born I joined as the Head of Kindergarten.
Chippy————
Were there many naysayers?
Kajal
I knew it would be a challenge. I knew it. My strength was, I have a 100% supportive husband with me. Then why should I not take it? When I discussed this offer with Shan, he said, ‘Kajal, this is the chance of a lifetime. We have done well with Nargis, we managed then and why is it that we won’t be able to do it again?’I joined as the Head of Kindergarten, Rajagiri School Qatar when my younger one was just six months old. I still remember when I resigned and was joining the new school, a certain person who told me off. He said, ‘Kajal you have a small baby, how are you going to manage as a KG head because it’s a demanding role, you have to spend a lot of time, morning till evening, at school, at home and you will not be able to cope and manage it all. You will be neglecting your child’. The air was strong with people who were objecting to my new move. I did start doubting myself for sometime but back of my mind I thought ‘oh my God is it that much difficult? But still I don’t want to miss that opportunity. I am going to give it my best.’
Chippy
As the head, you must have had to start from the scratch, set the system bottom up, build the work-culture, ethics and standards.
Kajal
As it was a new school, I had a part to play in the setting up to settling the teachers, the parents and above all our children. I woke up at four o’clock everyday. I have to cook, pack things for everyone and myself, and drop off my kids to the playhouse and reach my school by 6:30 AM. I have to reach my school early, as the kids start coming in by then and I only get to leave when all my kids are sent home. I have to plan lesson plans, curriculums, activities, cultural events, teachers meetings, attend school meetings, management meetings, parent meetings, and councils and what not. The first few years were hard but now I have brought it to a level where we run smoothly. I managed and I did it. Now I’m much relaxed because the system is in order. Those who are joining only have to follow the process that is set. So now it is much easier for me. I don’t have that much stress, you know, stress to do a lot of things, as I already have made the process and it works.
Chippy
If you count from 2001, the time you moved to Qatar, you can say 20 years of teaching experience. Without either experience or qualification you started and you now hold the title Head of the Department of Kindergarten, it’s now over two decades.
Kajal
When you say in years, yes over twenty one years now. Wow!
Chippy
All these years you concentrated on Kindergarten. Did you ever think you have to change or move away from Kindergarten?
Kajal
No, never once have I ever thought of moving away from where I am. Also I believe, when you are concentrating on one area, you can grow faster. I just gelled into Kindergarten. I always feel I was born to be here. That’s what I felt when I was teaching in the kindergarten, that for me it is very easy to bond with the kindergarten children, you know, they are innocent and at the same time extremely smart. So I observe them and learn from them too. I do tell the teachers, while you teach them, you also may get to learn new things from them. So, watch out and let all of us grow by learning from each other.
Chippy
You have found your happy place.
Kajal
Actually, a lot of happiness when I go to school, and when I’m dealing with the children, you know, that is the happiest moment nowadays, I’m getting from my life. Chippy, especially after the pandemic, now school has started. I feel so good, you know, seeing my kids, the small bundle of joy. And when I enter the class, when they wish me, when they come and hug me and I feel so good. I feel that I am for children, especially Kindergarten. So when I had experience only in that area, I decided better to go for early childhood education and qualify in that area. And I can completely focus on that.
Chippy
Wonderful to know. So during the COVID time, how did you manage nearly two years?
Kajal
It was a challenge and things changed a lot. I didn’t know that education can change in this way. The videos, the cameras, replacing the teachers! It was a drastic change in education. But I believe especially in Kindergarten, without having Teachers’ touch it is not helpful or possible for kids to learn, especially what I have seen after two years when children started coming back to school, they don’t have the social skills, they don’t have fine motor development. A lot of children have speaking disabilities. We have to bring the children back to their normal life. We are trying that.There were a lot of limitations in online classes, we really understood coming to school is very important, especially Kindergarten.
Chippy
Every time, every path you chose, every change you made in regards to a new school, or at schools, you actually wanted to grow and develop yourself.
Kajal
True, we learn as we grow and we grow only when we learn. As we move in life, we come across many people, situations, circumstances and these mould us and make us who we are. We pick up the best traits to follow and when we make mistakes, we learn from them and rebuke ourselves to never repeat them again. So we learn every single day as we go.
Chippy
Initially you must have learned on your own but as you progress you must have looked up to someone. Who inspired you?
Kajal
The person who truly inspired me is Ms Shruti Chauhan. She was my mentor, I can say, I really love the way she handled matters, how she tackled issues with kids, the parents and the school internal and external. I learned a lot more from her than from any previous experiences. With Ms. Chauhan I could go and talk to her about anything. Right from my change in attitude, teaching style and methodology, I grasped from her. Her guidance was most needed and it shaped me to be the person I am today.
Chippy————
As a young girl you were denied dance lessons. You learned what you can from your school, you could not train professionally. Is that the only dream that has not happened so far?
Kajal
Chippy, all my dreams came true. So what I dreamt during my childhood, I’m doing now. I am a teacher and now I’m learning dance, classical dance, professionally, under Kalamandalam Sini at Abhinaya. My daughter Nargis is her student and I used to initially accompany her, and later became her student. Abhinaya organises programs, so I got opportunities through the dance school to perform Bharatanatyam and Mohiniyattam.
It’s now five years since I started learning classical dance. Dreams are all happening. Everyday when I dance I feel that I have just started. I have to do more. I have not reached anywhere, especially in the field of dance. I have to do more. I want to grow more in this area, that’s my passion and I want to do more.
Chippy
Am so proud to know you Kajal. You are a go-getter. I think people don’t realize the effort that you have to put in. They see you and they see you as a very successful person, but they don’t know the effort that you had to put in and the trials you go through.
Kajal
I know. It’s not easy. Lot of struggle was there in between. Especially after graduation and when I came here I had a problem with my language. I had a problem with mingling with a new culture. I got a lot of humiliation at the beginning because of the way I dress, talk and interact. But from everywhere I learned to make myself better and never shy away from any feedback.
Initially I used to cry and go to Shan and complain, they made fun of my accent, they could not understand me, they made fun of me, he said, ‘don’t let someone bother you’. That’s what I learned and I got more confident that I have to get over it. And I cannot go to the next step, if I start taking everything personally, so I stopped.
Chippy
How different is Kajal from 2001 to 2022 Kajal?
Kajal
My attitude is different. My dressing style is different. I am more confident now, I know how to deal and answer when someone insults me or talks in a manner not acceptable. I know better now.I have changed. I cannot change anyone, but I have learned to manage how I react. I’m 100% confident that I can go anywhere, or talk to anyone. My experience changed me for the better. I know how to deal with anything now and I know what to ignore.
Chippy
Sounds like a person who is responsible. In the beginning you said you are a responsible person, you know, responsible for not just yourself but for others too.
Kajal
I am responsible, especially as I now am the Head of the Department. I have to deal with a lot of matters, I am a woman who should at times be a sister, mother, friend, parent, father, brother, and more, many hats to pull off in my position.
I have many responsibilities towards my school and students, and I have to also take care of my teachers. They have come far away from their home with a lot of personal, professional, or financial issues. I am a person who will lend an ear at times to those who want to unburden themselves from their everyday stress. They have an attachment with me where they can talk to me, they know I cannot help them but me hearing them out is all they want at times. Then there are those who look up to me, to be their mentor. So I have to be responsible.
Chippy
Wow. That’s intense. I’m so proud of you.
Kajal
Anyway, it all happened only because of Shan, his entry into my life changed the trajectory of my world. I am proud of the man he is and my husband, I call him with pride. I am not diminishing my hard work here, 100% credit goes to Shan, for not just being supportive, but for having my back in everything I do. Be it my teaching career, be it my passion for dance, anchoring, modeling, he is happy with everything I do. I am the highlight of his life and Shan mine’s. I am glad we had that fifteen minutes of chat years back.
Chippy————
That’s a good one. One last question. What Would You Tell Your 18 Year Old Self?
Kajal
I will tell my 18-year-old self, ‘you will blossom into a wonderful woman. Your life is for today. Plan your future but don’t stress about it. Love yourself. Keep in mind, you may not be everyone’s cup of tea and know it’s ok. Do not bother about what others think of you. Enjoy and cherish every second of your day. Life is too short to overthink’.”
Chippy
Thank you Kajal for a wonderful chat. I cannot thank you enough. And it is my privilege to be part of your life. Keep going and keep rocking.
Kajal
Chippy, it was indeed a pleasure and you made me go back to places I have never travelled for a while. There is so much more to say, we will keep it for next time. Till next time.
Q & A on Sexual Health with Dr Fernanda Hollanda Gynaecologist and Obstetrician, Brazil.
CKC———–
Why is sexual health important?
FH
Let me put it honestly. Sexual health is important for a fulfilling sex life. It’s part of a healthy life and lifestyle. It eases our mind, relieves stress from the body, and sex is good. Sexual health is a consistent element for physical and mental well-being. Sexual health plays a pivotal role in our identity as human beings together with the fundamental human rights to privacy, a family life, and living free from discrimination. Simple. It’s part of a healthy life.
CKC
What are the Signs of a Healthy Sex Life? How do we make healthy sex life possible?
FH
A Healthy Sex Life is happening when both partners are happy and satisfied. It doesn’t have to be five times a week and also remember, there isn’t a number. One should not count the number of times, it makes it hard for yourselves. If both are happy that’s what’s important.
CKC
How do one keep the spark alive in a relationship?
FH
First, accept who you are and accept your partner for who they are, embrace each other’s imperfections and flaws. Work towards finding time for each other, have productive and meaningful conversations, make time together. Do some activities as a couple, quality time is the base. Long talks and long walks can take you a long way in your relationship.
CKC
How to identify Your partner’s needs?
FH
Talk. Converse. Open up. That’s it. A hearty conversation with your partner is the key. Ask questions but always remember why you are having this conversation. It’s not a blame game and so it’s essential you listen to your partner and listen attentively, the whole reason for this conversation is to know if your partner is happy in the relationship, satisfied emotionally,mentally and sexually. You need to be prepared to accept the response from your partner even if it hurts you, find a way to solve the issues if you figure out why and what. Next step is to find a solution.
CKC
Should one schedule a date night to have intimacy?
FH
Yes and no. Sex shouldn’t be marked as an agenda but a date night could be awesome without the policy of having sex at the end. Intimacy is core to having a healthful, functional, and overall happy relationship. Mark your next date night in your calendar now. Make it memorable for each other, try something different each time, a movie night, a fancy dinner date, do something both of you enjoy, it’s all about the time you spend. Hold hands, feel each other, make an effort to treat each other with love, and passion will flow.
CKC
How many times is a good no.?
FH
Oh my! I don’t believe we should keep a count of our encounters. It all depends on the situation you are in, so when you find time, enjoy your time together and cherish those moments with each other. Have fun, make love and feel happy. Try something new or ask what your partner likes to do each time, tell them what you like, change things around, bring a twist if possible. No counting. Absolutely no. Imagine being a mother, you will be so busy and tired and drained, after a baby, it’s very hard to find time and energy to do it. So when you find time and feel you want to have sex, enjoy it. But don’t keep a count.
CKC
Sex drive is lower than normal. What should one do?
FH
Talk to a doctor. Maybe it’s an organic hormonal issue, maybe it’s a psychological issue. Always reach out for help. At some point in our life, we do experience a drop in sex drive. The reason for this dip can happen for several reasons, and including the natural progression of our relationship over time. So remember to spice up things in your relationship and if nothing is working for you, please book an appointment with your doctor. It will save you from mental and emotional stress, and remember, reach out for help.
CKC
Having sex hurts. What should one do?
FH
Look for the cause. Is it hormonal, physical,psychological? How is your relationship? How is your daily routine? Many things we could think about. So my suggestion will be to seek professional help from a professional.
CKC
Can sexual difficulties be treated?
FH
Yes, yes and yes. There are corrective measures we can recommend once we figure out the underlying problem. Always search for professional help. Please do not overthink, just ask for help. It could be as simple as hormonal imbalance or it could be something that can be treated. Please communicate with your medical practitioner, it makes a world of difference in your life.
CKC
Should I consult a doctor or attend Relationship counseling related to sexual concerns?
FH
Yes! All help is help. Talking about the problem can make it smaller every time, less stressful also. As I said earlier, reach out, it can be a doctor, a psychologist, nurse, therapist. Reach out to a professional, do not shy away from seeking help. Always remember communication with your partner makes a world of difference in your sexual satisfaction and if there are any sexual difficulties, talking to a medical professional will make a difference in your life. So don’t wait, just start the conversation. Now.
CKC
Thankyou Doc for doing this. Much appreciate your advice and suggestions.
Introducing to you a single mother and a survivor, Sakhy Francis.
This is the un-imaginable story of Sakhy Francis, a small-town girl from South India who lived in a bubble arranged for her. Growing up in a cocoon, she never had any purpose for life or was never shown the world beyond her shell. Sakhy never knew she could have dreams of her own.
As she came out of her pod, she had to face the real world unprepared. While navigating the murky waters by herself, some people constantly reminded her, ‘you will never make it.’ Yet, she gradually learned that she had the power to make her own choices in life. Eventually, she decided to take control of her life, make her choices, and build her future. Sakhy held on to her dignity and conviction and never listened to naysayers.
Life took Sakhy through some rough spins. Tests after tests, trials after trials, she battled her way to make a life for herself. She suffered through an unfathomable amount of pain, encountering a revolving door of struggles. It is beyond anything one can grasp. Through it all Sakhy’s resilience, courage, and identity remained unbroken. Find out what determination and perseverance can take you in life. Sakhy is a true survivor.
Presenting the riveting true story, the implausible tale of endurance, losses and successes, tribulations, and hope. We are in a lengthy conversation with Sakhy Francis from Vancouver, Canada.
A conversation with Chippy & Sakhy Francis, Administrative Professional, Vancouver, Canada.
CKC ———
How are you? How is life?
SP
Good. Lots of challenges, lots of happiness. Lots of activities & actions and thoughts & tasks to deal with. Overall life is good.
CKC
Last time we met was in 2012, just before you migrated to Canada.
SP
Oh! Lots have happened before and after that. I am glad we are having this chat. I am here to share my story of life, not my professional journey.
CKC
Where would you like to start?
SP
It starts where I was born. Earliest I can remember is my school days in Kerala, South India. My dad passed away a few weeks before my third birthday. Every first day of school was a challenge and every time I had to do a self-introduction, it was dreadful. Those were the saddest days of my life when I had to stand in front of the whole class and say, ’I am Sakhy, my mother is a housewife and my father passed away.’ School days, I was shy and I believe I lived in a bubble made for me by someone.
CKC
I am sorry you had to go through this at such a tender age.
SP
It was like a nightmare. It’s also because I missed him a lot. And another fact was I didn’t want that to define me. But those days, I didn’t know I could do that, I was always labeled the ‘the girl whose father passed away when she was three.’ For the same reason, I also got much love from my family and all the people who knew my father. He was a social person and everyone loved him and everyone always said the best about him, so I was missing him a lot and that made me sad as well.
CKC
After school, where did Sakhy land up?
SP
My life up till now revolved around my home, my school, my family, my school friends and church. It was a small bubble that I was allowed to live in. I enjoyed it. I never knew anything more than this bubble. My life was managed by my family and I just went with the flow. I didn’t know what I wanted, I loved Math and had good grades, so I majored in Mathematics.
After grade 10, two years of Pre University, it was similar to grade 11 and 12. My first time away from home, a huge college, living in a hostel, making friends, having roommates my age, slowly, I started to know myself. These were the first time I was on my own, a little bit of independence I felt to be myself, this time away gave me a feeling that I could do things on my own. Growing up, I was never allowed to do anything, so it was my freedom to be me, when in college.
CKC
How did you evolve as a person?
SP
College gave me a lot of confidence. I started to talk to people. Gave me the courage to face people, manage situations and it took the fear out of me. I discovered I had leadership qualities. There are leaders who stand up and lead but I am the one who lives with the people and leads and moves them. You won’t see me in front but I am around everyone.
It was a push from my friends that time that led me to contest the Pre University Representative election in college. That time I thought to myself, ‘I don’t have any talents.’ I was sure I was not going to win but my speech during the ‘meet the candidate’ challenge changed my outlook as a person for myself and my fellow mates, I won the election with a great margin. I have never spoken to a crowd of 10 people let alone a packed venue of thousands of girls. It was nerve-racking. This win helped me to discover more of my capabilities as a person. First time in my life I felt proud of my achievement.
I started sharing with others and talking about my thoughts and feelings, emotions instead of keeping them bottled up. These two years gave me an opportunity to know myself and to be myself. This was an ice breaker in my life for me to start from where I was. It was my start to know me. Mine was a women’s college, it was better for me at that time. I like it because I got the experience but I didn’t want to do it later.
CKC
So time for undergraduate studies.
SP
Yes, after 12th grade, I moved back home and enrolled in a university closer. It was a challenge however, the new campus gave me exposure to a different world. You come from a women’s college to a male-dominated campus. Initial days the treatment towards freshers was cold and rough but I was not scared, and during that period slowly I got to know myself more.
Again, like pre-university, I didn’t know what I wanted to learn, so I was not focused at all. I love Math, so I did B.Sc Mathematics nothing was planned. I also enrolled in a computer course along with my studies. When I graduated, I had a B.Sc Mathematics degree and Postgraduate Diploma in Computer Applications (PGDCA) to my credit. The computer course was something new and, when I got the opportunity, I took it. That was a good asset later on in life.
CKC
What next did you start to look for a job now or planned for post graduation?
SP
Now that you asked, I liked to be around people. I didn’t have anything particular other than people skills. I never had any aspirations for the future, for myself and I never knew I could aspire. Growing up I never even thought I would go to work, I was trained to be thinking that ‘I will be a wife, a homemaker, child bearer’ and I didn’t have any complaints. I thought that was perfect. My family was overprotective, that was good and also bad at the same time. It took me a while to understand, I was just going with the flow. I was still in a bubble. I never had any dream or aspiration, my life was all my family, home and that was it.
Education-wise even though I was not focused I was kind of gathering some which were good for the future. During this time, I never had any ambition or a feeling that I have to work. Simply because at home all I could hear from everyone was, ‘we are waiting for you to grow up and get you married off.’ So this was implanted in my head that you are going to get married and that’s all about it.
CKC
Education was NOT important, marriage was the main agenda. Were there not many women who worked in your home?
SP
Yes, I heard this in my family. The only person who worked was my grandma, she was a teacher. My mother used to say that she never liked her mother going to work. The person I looked up to was my grandma, she is the strongest person I have ever seen. The capacity she had to run the family and go to work, she was the strongest person as a homemaker and a teacher, she would do what she liked to do and nothing would stop her from what she wanted. So, even though I didn’t have any ambition, one thing I always wanted was her strength and power, and to be something like her.
CKC
So now this means someone is finding you a groom.
SP
Yes. After graduation, time to get married. So before that happened I thought I would go visit a family in Bangalore, stay with them, and have a few great months before any marriage or something like that happened. So I went to learn cooking, learn the ways of being a homemaker.
During this visit, one of my uncle’s friends visited and he casually asked, ‘what are you doing?’ I said, ‘all set, I have my degree and now a computer certificate, nothing ahead of me, I am just enjoying life. Going with the flow.’ He said, ‘Our company is hiring. Are you interested?’ I was slow in understanding what a job meant to me, ‘that means I can stay here’, I thought to myself. I accepted the offer, went for the interview and I got the job. Now the question is how would I convince my family back home. I could not convince but was told, ‘it will be good to have a job until we find a good proposal for you.’ That’s how I landed my first job.
CKC ———
So you never aspired to work, now you have a job.
SP
Yes, and within six months my marriage was fixed. Jojo was a South Indian whose family was settled in Bangalore. Ours was an arranged marriage. Goes without saying. He worked on the ship for a firm based in the US, which means he would be stationed abroad for six months and would be home for two months and again back to work and on and on.
In 2001 I started my life as a married woman. At 21, I don’t think I was ready to take up the responsibilities of marriage. If you are starting a life together it is different. Jojo was never there. It was hard initially and then going with the flow, I accepted this as normal. Once I got married the feeling I had was that even though I had the independence and could do anything I wanted I didn’t have a marriage.
CKC
Why do you say that?
SP
You have to remember Chippy, I have never done anything in my life on my own. From buying necessary items to anything you say, I have never done that in my life. Everything was done for me, I never had to do anything. The bubble I lived in was dangerous. I didn’t even know where rice came from. I was shielded and was protected so much that I didn’t even have to go anywhere to buy anything. Even with the job I had, I was dropped off and picked up. Protected for what? I still don’t know.
My husband left two weeks after marriage. He left the car and said now on you take care of everything here. The funny fact is I have never done grocery shopping in my life, that much cocooned was my life and I just was not equipped to take care of myself and now I am responsible for a new family and I have to learn and do all by myself. I didn’t have a clue what I was supposed to do, I didn’t even have a driver’s license, he said, ‘there is the car, there is the house and I will come in six months.’
CKC
How was married life?
SP
Nothing like what I was told or heard of. I had all the liberty, freedom, and independence but I was not able to become me. I set up the house, made the house a home. Jojo was a good man, a good person, a good human, he was also someone who called once a week to catch up on things. We talk for half an hour or an hour. I would talk about what’s happening, what I did, my job and it was always just talking, and he would ask me, ‘did you buy that? Did you do that?’ When he visits, he would stay for two weeks or a maximum, a month and leave. This was the pattern for over a year. We were married, however, we were never with each other, it was not a good feeling. It was a challenge.
CKC
Did you have any expectations in marriage?
SP
I did not have any expectations but I thought these things are not hard to get. I wanted a large family with loads of members and to be a part of that family. I was married but I felt alone as Jojo was never around. I was not able to be part of anything. The constant questions and male gaze from people gave me chills. It is hard to explain. Remember in our marriage I had all the freedom but did not know how to use it. I did not have the strength to do things on my own. I felt lonely all those days. I wanted to have a marriage where my Jojo was with me, a marriage where we did everything together as a couple. I didn’t have that. I missed it.
CKC
What about your job?
SP
I continued to work. But there was this constant whining from some people, ‘how much do you make? Is it worth doing the job?’ Everyday I had to hear that you make only Rs 5000 and you have to spend Rs 4000 to make Rs 5000, it’s all true but that work made me feel I had a purpose. There were times where I felt like I was useless. I wanted to work because that was the only thing that made me, me.
Six months after our wedding I had to quit my job. I quit the job for many reasons. First, no one wanted me to go for a job. Second, ‘you will be moving to Us in a couple of months and then why should you work’. When you were married to a guy in the US, everyone had an expectation and started asking Jojo on his short visits ‘when are you taking her?’ We both had to make that connection first with each other right ! Before we plan something right? There was so much gap in our relationship. I don’t know if I can call it a relationship, it is difficult to figure out a name for what we were going through those days.
CKC
Did you make it to the US?
SP
The problem was in his job he cannot take his spouse with him but I can go visit for a longer time but not stay with him. Jojo made arrangements for me to visit and stay in the US. I went for the interview at the US Embassy and the first thing they wanted to know was,’you are educated, you are young, what is the guarantee that you would come back to India?’ My initial response was ‘what? I’m going to come back. I don’t understand why you are asking me that.` I didn’t even like that question and I felt that was kind of an insult to me. How would you prove you will come back? I still don’t know how to answer that.
CKC
Visa status?
SP
I was not sad that I didn’t get the visa, but when I came home I saw my mom and everyone else were sad. For everyone it was an easy visa. ‘How come you didn’t get it?’ They rejected me and I didn’t care but because of that visa process I had to quit my job. When I came home everyone was disappointed and sad. That’s when I realised that was a big deal. Now returning home to Bangalore, I have no job, no purpose. That’s when I looked around.
CKC
Where to now ?
SP
I lived close to a College so I enquired and later enrolled for post graduation in Human Resources. The reason. I wanted to study. That was my other option and only option. Jojo was very supportive. He would say yes to everything I want, never a no from him. Maybe this was his way of compensating for him not being there for me.
So I joined, my classes started and right that time I also learnt I am pregnant. There were objections to me going to college and hesitation from many in and around family and relatives and certain people. But I was determined, ‘I am going to continue no matter what.’ The amount of stress that I underwent this time was unwanted and should never have happened.
Now we have been married for three years and I am dealing with everything alone. By the time I got pregnant I realised the fact that no one is standing up for me and I realised I have to do this on my own and I started to stand up for myself. I had that courage and I decided I will do this for myself. So I continued my studies.
CKC
Your husband is supportive.
SP
Jojo would give me the independence and leave. I have to face everything on my own. Nobody wanted me to study, nobody wanted me to do anything at all, people in general wanted me in the house and put the flowers in a vase and dress up and go for social events and smile and be merry. We were not like a normal couple, I had no husband to walk with, he was never there and maybe if he was there I would have felt comfortable and more at peace but as a married woman who was ‘single’ that’s when I realised that’s not me. I was sad doing all those things alone. I didn’t know where to go, what to do.
I still remember some were betting on me saying, ‘I don’t think she will complete her studies, let her try.’ That was challenging for me and so I am more determined to do it. Thank you to all those who never supported me, that gave me the fuel to build on myself.
CKC
So you definitely graduated.
SP
My morning sickness was getting worse day by day as my pregnancy progressed. I sat on the front row so that I could rush to the restroom each time I had to vomit. I continued the first year but was not able to write the exam as my daughter was due and then I came back after delivery and started second year. This time I hired someone to look after my baby when I went to class, so now that was a problem. ‘Why do you have to study? Take care of your kid, stop wasting time? Be a good mother.’ I did write my first year’s exam and completed it and then finished the second year and graduated in 2004.
CKC
Determined. Now do you have a plan?
SP
It’s a journey where you always felt this is not something that I am or I want. That’s when the question you asked ‘what did you want to be in life?’ come in. I never had one. Never. For me other people were making or planning my life, I thought that it was okay to go with the flow. I thought that’s how it was meant to work. But I realised, even though very late, that’s not how it works. If it works that way it’s not going to make me happy. And it’s not just about my happiness, it’s literally how I felt. ‘I felt useless. No purpose.’ I decided to work again, so I applied for jobs. I worked small jobs here and there, admin jobs, H.R. jobs, in Bangalore. That’s when Jojo and I planned to get away from all these.
CKC
What did you want to get away from?
SP
To be a young girl, young person out here with her husband working abroad, that’s very challenging to live in our society. I don’t know how to explain it. The feeling itself, the way people look at you, how people think about you, forget about your family, the whole system is different. The way people look at you is different. And it’s not good. ‘Husbandless wife. Is there something wrong in the relationship? Are they divorced? Is she available?’
Many factors. Didn’t let me live. I never had any dream of a life I wanted, so how can I say it was not how I wanted, no, it was not that. Even now some people will ask me why did you make that choice to move away. I don’t know how to describe it. When you are alone with your husband not around, it’s not a good feeling. I could not tolerate it. It’s not because you don’t have a guy next to you it’s not that, It’s a different attitude from where people looked at you. I don’t think anyone other than those who have gone through it will really understand what I am talking about, the feeling that we have to go through. No one wants to listen to you.
For me that was hurting me like anything. It’s so hard to explain. For me these are times I wish someone understood me. Even if you told someone no one would understand me. In my situation I think I did the right thing by not telling anyone because nobody would understand and if you say anything you are bad, you are imagining things, you are just making things up.
CKC
When you say how you are looked at. Is it by people around you, or people you work with?
SP
No exceptions. That’s how I felt. If I say something I am blamed. There was a situation where I complained and I even asked my husband to come back. I explained to him my situation and even though I asked him for that, that was not the reason I wanted him to come back. I wanted that identity inorder to live in this society. Otherwise the society was suffocating me.
CKC
Did you reach out to anyone?
SP
I didn’t reach out to anyone, not my mother, my brother, or my friends. I didn’t reach out because at that time I don’t think they could have helped me. But when I was not in a good phase I reached out to a friend but she didn’t want to take me in for a day or two to support me, so that kind of made me realise a lot about my friendship and also not to reach out to anybody else as well. The whole thing is messed up.
CKC
What did you do?
SP
I had a discussion with Jojo and he was agreeable to my idea. So I moved out with our daughter to a different locality in Bangalore and I didn’t want to not see anyone anymore. That was a quiet life. During this time I wanted to find a permanent solution for us. The only solution I found within my limits was maybe go somewhere else. That’s how I started to think about places to immigrate. That’s when the picture of Canada popped up. I spoke to Jojo and he was all in for it and in 2005 we planned to apply as a family to migrate to Canada.
Initially I applied when Rhea was younger, when she was one and a half. We applied together as a family, I convinced him saying maybe when we relocate I won’t have to deal with all the societal pressure and dramas, so we could live our lives together as a family once and for all. That was our initial plan. As always, it was not received well and every time from here on, there was always someone or the other blocking our path.
This was the beginning of when I started going against the flow. I started saying NO said I said NO to many. Nothing could now make me change my mind. Nothing could stop me, I have decided. I have to do something to keep my sanity and I didn’t decide this overnight.
CKC ———
Did Jojo relocate to India and did things turn out good?
SP
Oh! how I wish that happened. All together the days we lived together were less, if you count the days it will be less than a year. We did not have that connection. Sometimes I am like, I did not have my dad and my marriage also did not work out, things happen. Jojo is a good man, good heart and good person. Never mind if it’s good or bad. If you do not have your husband near you and no one on your side it is worse than bad. I cannot hate him nor love him. When I talk about him, he is a very nice person. I would not call ours a relationship. And this situation made my life not liveable. The time I decided it was not working out was after years of trying.
The moment I realised people were starting to take control of my life, me and my daughter. When I say control. The moment you have a kid, it’s all about the kid. You are not important. ‘What about me now?’ Whatever you may be, it does not matter to others. It’s not that I don’t love my kid but I realised I won’t be there for my kid if I lived that life. So I had to do something for me and my kid. When my kid was there, I felt everyone around started to pamper her and spoil her and I started to sense that I was losing my position as a mother over my daughter and my life. That’s not going to help me or her.
My husband was supportive of me and everything I do, but he was never there, never present and never around. Never. So we decided to separate and see how things go. There came a point I got so strong, people said ‘how can you leave what you have and lead a life on your own, you won’t even survive out here’. There was no support for me from anyone, family or friends, I was in a battle and I am all alone in this battle. Because of my decision to leave and live a separate life.
If I had to live another six months, it came to a point where I would lose myself completely. I am a mother, I love my daughter but if you are not useful enough it’s different. This separation from Jojo was also amicable. He was all okay with it and he didn’t even object or deny or even try to say we will work it out. He was very supportive. If I say I want to stay on my own then he is okay, if I said we will migrate to Canada, he is okay. What I want to do, I can do that. Isn’t he nice? Yes. But what about me as a person! All this time my husband was supporting me with whatever I decided. He was never there for me but he was open to everything. It was confusing and making things more and more complicated for me.
For some people when I complain or when I am not happy they never understand, for them it is ‘you have all the freedom and you have a good house, you have everything, so what is there to complain about?’ No one would understand. Anybody who thinks that I made a wrong choice in life, I made a bad decision in my life, it may not be the right choice for you, but, it was the best decision for me.
CKC
You were always alone in this relationship but now you are on your own. Up until this you were the most loved person, big expectation but you wrecked it all by the one decision to put yourself first and take care of yourself first. Isn’t that what everyone said?
SP
Worst part is I was the role model for everyone until I decided to put myself first. That’s when you realise all these stories and riddles, ‘when you are good everyone likes you. When you are not up to others’ expectations you are not good.’ It was hard. Hard to go through with it. It was hard but I had that strength. It’s just my prayers, nothing else. It is not my credit. I always believed in my prayer and my faith. That helped me to go through this. Even now.
CKC
How was your life during your separation and being a single mother?
SP
When Rhea was ready for Lower Kindergarten (LKG), we moved to Kerala. I was not able to afford Bangalore at that time. I bought a place in Kerala to be closer to a place I know and can afford. Some people were angry that I moved into their locality because they didn’t want to associate with me because I make my own choices and live by my code and it’s a bad example for their kids. When my daughter Rhea was ready for kindergarten I used that time to complete my Bachelor of Education (B.Ed degree).
I didn’t want to do an office job anymore because that made me work longer hours. Now that I am settled and on my own with my daughter, I want to work somewhere where I can be closer to my child and be there for her when she needs me. I didn’t want to be away from her for too long, so that’s when my choice for teaching came up. I was never a great student and never thought I would be a teacher in a million dreams but it was the most feasible choice and plausibility to be closer to what our life will be. I got the job right after my studies, in a school close to my home and my daughter was also now studying there, life was all set, as I hoped for for both of us.
CKC
Did you pursue your plan to migrate to Canada during these times?
SP
God is planning things in his times. When Rhea was one and a half years old, I started applying and nothing was working. I was told to apply as a student, go as a visitor, but I didn’t want to do either and also leave my girl out there and go. I wanted us to go together. If it is Permanent Residency we can go together then we will go together, otherwise I didn’t want to do that. The whole point was to be with my daughter and be with her as family and make a life of our own. Every time my agents would call and say, there is a visitor visa, worker visa, study visa, I was always NO. I will only go if it is a Permanent Resident Permit. I have done enough damage to myself and I don’t want to pass on those same damages to my child.
I decided to move to another country when I felt nothing was going according to my plan. I was not applying for Canada anymore. But the agency, they always keep renewing my application, updating my status, and applying for my PR process. They had all my docs now. They will call me and inform me they have applied and I will just let that happen. They kept applying whenever the time was up and it went on in the background. I was not in any way now looking to move away, I just bought a house, have a job and life for my daughter is also set. So going to Canada may not be an option now, life was almost set for us.
CKC
So you have finally set yourself up as a working mother, single parent and a life of your own in South India.
SP
Because I made my own decisions, set a life on my terms for myself and my child and I am living a good life now. Yet it was not accepted by many. Life didn’t let me down when I started to live on my own terms. Many people did not agree with my choices. Every time something goes wrong in my life or a situation where I am stuck, there are many who will happily remind me ‘I told you so.’ Those moments never cease to end.
CKC
During your separation was Jojo a part of your life?
SP
We have been separated now for three years and our lives were separate as well. That’s when Jojo decided to come back to India for good.
CKC
I wish it had happened earlier. Maybe things would have been different for you.
SP
True. But reality is different. When he relocated, and started to live a “normal life” he started to realise what was happening. That’s when he started to reach out to me again. One day he called me and told me, ‘believe me, now I know what you went through.’ I am happy he understood but my life totally changed because of this. I won’t take it in one sentence. The other thing he told me was, ‘you lost your father when you were young and he was not there to support you. And I didn’t do my duty as a husband either and it is haunting me now. I need to do something for you now’.
I told him because you said this, it’s not going to change me overnight and I am not saying anything now, but it might change me. Not right now, don’t keep your expectations high. His parents wanted him to move forward in life and for him he said, ‘I will not do that until I see, you are okay and I will not commit until I see you are okay in life.’ He was a good man but it did not work out for us then. He never wanted any conflicts, he was agreeable to anything I say but he was never there for me.
CKC
A person who was never there for you now wants to be back in your life.
SP
He reached out and he was like I am there for you now. I told him, ‘you say that and you disappear,’ as he was never there for me before. I used to tease him, ‘here comes I miss you.’ He will tell a million times a day, ‘I miss you.’ I didn’t know what was missing. I cannot say he never liked me or loved me but there was no connection. Maybe someone else must judge what was missing. I don’t know.
He didn’t know I was 9 years younger than him. On the second day after marriage he said, ‘I did not know you were 21.’ Like him I was told this is your man and I think he was also told this is your woman and we tied the knot and our life didn’t have any plans for us to be together. That was the problem. I went with the flow and he was a wind that blew at times and left me and came back only when he chose to.
CKC
So was there a chance for reconciliation?
SP
In 2011, Jojo was in Cochin. His cruise ship was out of commission and he was staying in Cochin alone for many months. That time, he was in his apartment doing nothing and he started to think, and rethink about his life and about me and Rhea. One day he called and asked me, ‘do you mind if I call you?’ I told him straight away, ‘Jojo, I don’t mind talking but keep in mind I don’t want you to have any hopes that we will get back together or that I may come back after talking for a day. I am not saying it will never happen, but I don’t want you to keep that hope and talk to me.’ He said he just wants to be in touch and do right by me. During these months, he would call me everyday. He also wanted to make sure if he had a chance with me again. I may have thought about it, there was a chance.
But again, this is something I have never shared with anyone. For everyone he was good, I am bad because I left him. Nobody knows what was inside. This is the time he said he was haunted by what happened to me and us as a family. So he asked can you tell me where you want me to go? What do I do now? He started opening up and we had a great connection during these times. For the first time we made some plans for ourselves even though we were separated.
CKC
So you had a relationship with your husband for the first time.
SP
Yes. Before this whenever we were on the phone or when he came when I shared my feelings or my situation he never understood. But this time it was different. I have never told this to anyone and I don’t think anyone knows this part where we had this connection for a long time after our separation period. People said and still believe, ‘I didn’t want Jojo’.
After talking to him I don’t have any unanswered questions or unfinished business, we cleared everything that was between us. That didn’t mean we would end up living together. He understood what was happening in my life when he used to not be there for me and for me him understanding this fact was like a burden lifted away from me. He listened and he knew what I was going through. We had a great connection during this time. This is when he said, ‘I think I am going to leave, because living here after knowing what you had to deal with,’ he said, ‘I don’t want to live close to you because that will make me more sad that I did wrong by you and was never there for you.’ He wanted to go somewhere but he said, ‘I don’t want to go back to the ship because that’s what ruined my life.’
CKC
He moved away?
SP
He moved to Bombay and he was looking for a job and finally found a position and started working. We used to talk everyday and it was a good feeling for both of us. He had an expectation that I would consider moving back with him and start a life afresh. I never said no or yes. We had the best six months ever in our entire relationship.
He started sending me gifts, cards, presents for Rhea, and continued calling everyday. He started sending me packages, then I told him we only agreed to talk. I told him not to have any expectations. He kept sending me all sorts of things and maybe this was his way of coping with his guilt of not being there for me and he always showered us both with gifts and more cards for me. He started calling daily three or more times and still kept sending packages, clothes for Rhea, games for her and random things all the time.
I don’t know what made him do this, and he started calling me, without a break. I did get a bit worried as he called so many times a day, I told him to slow down. He said okay, ‘I will only call once a day.’
CKC
He continued to call.
SP
So one day while in school I saw a call from Jojo. I was teaching and could not answer the call. Then I am getting this call from an unknown number from Bombay. I was in my class and could not attend the call. I missed the call, I was thinking why is he calling me now, he knew I was teaching. So I was mad, I dialed the number and before he could say anything, I said in a very strong temper, ‘why are you calling me at this time, I am working, I am in class?’
A total stranger on the other side said, ‘Ma’m, I am calling from the hospital, your number was the last number dialed from this phone and we are trying to reach next of kin. This person met with an accident. I am afraid to say he passed away.’
Chippy I don’t have words to explain my state of mind. I could not even cry in front of anyone, because I am the bad person who left him and he died. That was one of the hardest times. It took me a while to get over this.
CKC
In your mind you too had dreams to get back together and start a new life. You were both finally making things work for each other.
SP
All true but no one knew we were close and we had these six months where we were in daily conversations about our lives and daily activities and Rhea. No one knows.
I went to the funeral. I am there, I want to cry in my loudest voice and feel my Jojo but I cannot cry. This was a statement I heard from everyone, ‘she didn’t want him, then why is she sad?’ Don’t I not have a right to be sad? People were rude that way. It was here on when things started to spiral in my life again.
CKC
How did things turn out for you now? You did have a life of your own there and a job and life is set.
SP
Yes. So I thought. My life was set and things were all going back to normal and this incident changed the course of everything that I built up towards. Somewhere I felt I am not going to make it here. Like always God works in mysterious ways. Jojo passed away in early November 2011. Around the last week of November I received a call from the Canadian Agency, ‘Your visa is approved. Congratulations.’
It was something I never expected. I was debating within myself, should I go or not. Then I thought to myself, it’s going to get really hard if I have to go through this alone again and live here. I better move. Now I have an opportunity, my Rhea will also have a new life. I said to myself, ‘make plans for yourself and your kids’ life will be fine if you take care of yourself.’
CKC
You are in a trauma now. Did you talk to anyone or reach out for help? You just went through something devastating.
SP
Jojo and I had six months together. We were closer than ever and it made a big difference in both our lives. He knew that and I know that. Because we had that six months of conversation and a real relationship, I never had any unfinished feelings with him. I was devastated when he passed away, the issue for me was I could not share with anyone what I was feeling, going through and how we bonded during those six months. I was severely saddened. Anyone or nobody would understand what my pain was, it was the hardest thing I had to go through.
Those six months were the time we got to know each other. These are things which we cannot plan. God was planning things for me but why did he make it so hard for me? I don’t know. I decided and said, ‘I am leaving’. My kid is seven years old now. I knew the first year would be difficult.
When I started I was the shyest person. Now, no one could think what I have become. Anyone who knew me, it was a shock for them. It was like ‘Sakhy was making a choice for herself and it was selfish. Is she for real?’
For me, I was not fighting with anyone but I was just making my own choices. Except it was a shock to many just because nobody thought I am a person who can survive on my own. People were talking to me directly, ‘You will come back soon. You won’t be able to live on your own. You will not survive. In a year or less, you will be here. It is hard with a child. How will you go for a job? ‘Whatever you decide, what did the child do?’
My father died and my mother was a widow at the age of 25 and she was told she had to live for the kids from here on, no life of her own. It did not help her. So I saw that I made choices because that was the best for me and my kid. If you ask me how I did this? I don’t know.
CKC ———
Canada is a beautiful country but the road to being in a secure settled phase is a long process. How did you do it?
SP
Even though the trauma was still with me, the struggle that I had to go through in the initial period of my settling in Canada kept me going and overcome that. I had two options. First I thought I will stick to teaching and get into that path but if I did that course it’s one year and there is no guarantee I will find a job. Then I was told I had another option. I was eligible to do a Canadian Government funded course called Advanced Office Administration Course, I completed this in six months. The whole course and my stay and my child care for Rhea was all supported and funded by the government. This was specifically for the immigrants.
I didn’t get a job right the next day I passed out, it was a couple of months after I was offered. I would apply left and right, I get called for an interview but never get selected because of lack of experience. One day I was sitting in the library and thinking, ‘God if I don’t find a job in the next three months, I will run out of money and I would have to go back to India.’ I didn’t know what to do. I used to drop Rhea at school and go to the library, read, find leads and start applying for jobs. I was in tears due to the uncertainty and then the call came from the school I just did my course. “Are you still looking for work?” So that’s my life.
The day I didn’t know what was ahead for me I got the call. Somehow my life was planned for me. An invisible hand guiding me and my course in life. God’s grace they hired me as a temporary employee as a Program Coordinator for the same course I did. For me it was perfect because now even after I finish my tenure I can now show a Canadian experience in my resume. Once you have a job here, it is easy to find the next.
CKC
So gradually you made it, life is again in order.
SP
I moved on and relocated with a very simple life, away from everybody and I didn’t even connect with very many people. My life was set, my job was secured, my girl goes to school, I bought an apartment, and my life was going in a routine for years. In 2017, Rhea was in grade 7 and I am thinking, ‘finally, I am set.’
My life was Rhea, work, my small circle of friends and life was good. I have to pick my girl up after school and I am thinking that when she is in grade 8 I am going to finally have more time for myself and I will have a breather to have a coffee after work. And then I found a new job, and my girl is now in grade 8, ‘wow, now I am going to have some time for myself.’
Rhea started school and things were going good. Then I started getting this tiredness, unexplainable tiredness. It’s a feeling where I felt something was pulling me down. Maybe I didn’t explain well to the doctor but I never had to ever go to a doctor for any illness. I was in good health all these while. All of a sudden, I am seeing myself going to the doctors every other week. I said, ‘I don’t feel good.’ That’s all I was able to explain. There were no symptoms other than I was feeling low.
One of my doctors even though it was a mid-life crisis or that I am depressed. ‘I am at the best time of my life and I cannot be depressed’. I kept going to the doctor and in the beginning the lethargy was now and then, but then a month later I was tired all the time. By the start of summer that year I could not stand up to put on the kettle and make a cup of tea. I will switch on the kettle and sit down, I could not stand for even one minute. Unexplainable tiredness. The doctor gave me Tylenol to relieve my pain. I went back and told my doc, when I have Tylenol my pain is gone but it’s still there.
CKC
What’s going on? What about at work?
SP
As a mom, it keeps you going. I went to work, at work I am sitting and working, I kept going. When at work I just forget about my pain. I would pick my girl after school and life was going on but I was not okay at all.
In the early stage I would cook as usual but then I started cooking less and ordering in more. It was work, my girl and come back, order in and sleep. I was really not able to cook anymore. I was not expecting anything, I just felt tired. Doctor said nothing but I said to myself, ‘it has to be something.’ My doctor finally asked me to get a CT Scan. Let’s say, ‘I am tired and I cannot make tea and my CT is requested and my appointment for the same is in another month or two. So what would I do all that while.’ So I thought it will be a break for me and I will go home and do a check up as well.
So I decided to go to visit my home in Kerala as it was summer vacation for Rhea. I thought I should also use this time to do a thorough check up on my health. Nothing was diagnosed yet and I also did not think more, just a routine health check.
I landed and went directly to the hospital from the airport. I didn’t want to panic my mother, so did not mention anything about my visit to the hospital. Everyone in my family thinks I am there for the vacation with my girl. At the hospital, first thing they told me was ‘You have a fever.’ So that’s when I realised I had fever all throughout these times, I was taking Tylenol to comfort my pain and uneasiness and it suppressed my fever. So the next two weeks I was in and out of the hospital for more tests and finally I did a biopsy and the diagnosis was Lymphoma. A cancer of the lymphatic system.
CKC
This is brutal. How did you take it?
SP
How did I take it! Now I have to fight my cancer out of the system. I am the only one for my daughter. I called work and told my situation, they approved my sick leave and I stayed back for the next six months for the treatment.
Chippy, while I was fighting cancer, that was not my major fight. After two months my girl has classes, what will I do with her? My mind was going into a panic mode. Before my treatment started, I was pretty thin and frail and many people thought and predicted that I would not survive. So as the treatment was going on I felt I am losing control of my life again and also my daughter’s fate being decided by strangers, as many around me were making decisions for and about what to do with my girl. My girl. Without even thinking or asking me.
Some people would ask me to plan my daughters life if I die. I would tell them,’do you realise what you are talking to me about?’ So I said, if something happens you talk about it and do whatever, ‘I am alive and now I will make the right choices for my daughter. Look, now I am not planning to die.’ This was a challenge for me. From every side some people were still haunting me with statements like,’she decided to leave her husband, this is her punishment and she will definitely die.’
Some people started giving suggestions, ‘let’s place Rhea in a boarding school’. I am still alive and fighting everyday to get better and here people from everywhere are writing eulogy for me and deciding my daughter’s fate after my death. It was challenging.
While I was struggling from back home in Canada, a dear friend of mine called, ‘hey, I tried calling you, where are you?’ Then I told her this is my situation and I am going to be in India for six months. Her first response was, ‘what do you do with Rhea?’ I told her, I am thinking, praying and planning. Then she goes,’send her here to me. I will take care of her.’
I asked Rhea, ‘what do you want to do?’ She said, ‘Mom, I would love to stay here and near you but at the same time I wish to go to school back home’. She is a strong child and when I first told her that it was cancer, she said, ‘Mom, it’s okay, we can take care. We have survived all these and we will overcome this too. You have your mom and brother now here, so you stay and get better and come home soon.’ Sometimes I feel she is more mature than me.
Until that call I didn’t know what to do. I was feeling a sort of relief and I told my friend, you think about it for a week and then I will call you after a week and you tell me. By then the decision on Rhea’s future was becoming a heated debate, ‘we have to send her to boarding.’ So I called my friend after 4 days and she said, ‘I already told you, you send her and I will take care of Rhea.’ She has known Rhea since we moved to Canada and she is my great friend. She saved me from a huge dilemma. She did not even hesitate, this is what friendship is, I am thankful to her forever.
I had to put it quite bluntly to some people who were offended by my decision, so I told them, ‘yes, it’s cancer and it’s treatable, I am not going to die in a day or six months and even if it is the worst I will not die tomorrow. Rhea has her life back there and she cannot miss class and I want her to live her life.’
There were eye rolls from many people and some people even still judge me for my choices. We have to do what is right for us and we know what is right for our children. And if you have the strength and your will is strong you will be able to do anything for your child. With the help of good people around you, be it family and friends. In two days I sent Rhea to Canada and my friend picked her up from the airport. I continued my treatment and once the chemo started things started getting better for me. The treatment was doing wonders for me.
CKC
How long did you stay away from Rhea?
SP
After she left I had to continue my treatment for 4 more months, during this time we spoke everyday before and after school. I would wait for her call and it was she who got me through the hard times.
My mom and I got to bond more and I became closer and this was a blessing for me and my mom to speak, open up and be there for each other. It was a hard time but as a family, we got closer, My mom, my brother and me. It was a good phase. They saw me through the tough times and they helped me survive through the hard times. I am happy because of that.
My last treatment was on 13 December 2018 and my doctor was initially hesitant for me to leave immediately after the treatment, he wanted me to wait for a few more weeks, but I had to go, my daughter was there I could not be away from her anymore. I booked my tickets and flew back. I am all clear now.
CKC
More than cancer you were fighting a battle on so many fronts.
SP
For me when I was fighting with my cancer, it was not cancer that I was fighting more, that was nothing to me, when I say nothing to me, it was not what I was fighting for, I realised when people find this happiness, when I was in my mode, own my own, where I was in control of my life and my choices no one appreciates that, no one liked it. Even when I moved to Canada there were some who said, ‘she is going with a seven year old, we will see how long she will stay, she will be back soon’. It went on and on.
Chippy, when I was sick, it is an eye opener, people can do this, I am not blaming anyone but this is what I saw in my life, no one truly supports you if you make all the choices in your life on your own. This is something I experienced.
Other than that, when I got sick, you won’t believe this, many people were happy, because ‘I did wrong, I deserve this’. For me during that time to take that, that’s where I said it’s just God. It was not my thinking, people said that to my face. Not people who are strangers but people who I thought would support me at my darkest hours. They did support me but they wanted to make sure I was told about this because of my bad decisions in life. If God started punishing us just like how they say,
CKC
we would all be dead.
SP
Exactly. Dealing with these sorts of things was harder than my disease at that time.
My immediate family, like my mother and brother, started to trust me on my decisions and what I did, that was huge for me. Without their support through this phase I would have gone mad. Even during my hardest times I have never given up. I’m in touch with Jojo’s family and we have a good connection now. Our immediate circle was good but the bigger circle was hard to deal with.
When people need space just give them the space. I was losing hair and I was frail and when you undergo cancer treatment people respond differently. People wanted to see me and I said no and no one would understand. Then they started to call and would tell me, ‘it’s okay, we are praying for you, we feel sad for you, what will you do with Rhea if anything happens?’ So I stopped answering the calls and then people would ask why I am not responding and I would start explaining and then one day I said to myself, ‘why am I explaining to anyone what I am doing and why. Let them think whatever they want.’
I rented an apartment and my mom and myself moved in, we switched off the phone and we would just have our time. I bonded with my mother during this time and it is something that I cherish.
CKC
Almost 10 years in Canada. You have always held a job and made your life for yourself again.
SP
I have had different jobs over the years. I am working for the provincial government as an Administrative Assistant. It is a very nice setup, good people and great team, and peaceful. I am set and it is all good. It’s harder initially. If you put in the work in the beginning you will not have to worry about anything later. Once you are settled here, you will never want to move away from here.
CKC
You are a fighter.
SP
My life started pushing me one step after the other. It’s not something that I ever planned. Life made me take every step. I believe everything was planned ahead of me. If I would think about what I would do tomorrow, then I would know I will have days ahead like these again and I will face them again if I have to. But I was never stuck before and I know I will not be in the future. The next day there will be something.
CKC
Have you ever thought about remarriage?
SP
I was busy raising a kid. I am not looking for anyone but I am not saying if I find someone I will never think about a life with that person. I always wanted to be around people, family and have a big family. But look what I was denied. Somebody said to me, ‘what you wish the most you will be denied’. Which is so true, I never wanted to live alone like this. This is not what I wanted. I never wanted that. I always wanted to live with a family. I never wanted to be a person who wanted to live on my own. I was not. I was forced to.
CKC
You have plenty of friends who stand by you.
SP
I have friends from all parts of the world. I cherish my friends and I am grateful for the good and soulful friendship I have and had in my life. I have lost friends, gained friends during my trials in life. Some friends who you thought are your good friends never stood by you and some asked the wrong question and did not respect your needs and only stayed to figure out if my hair has started to shed, if I will die or what happened between Jojo and me. My life, I learned that friendship is precious and when you know who your good friend is, ‘keep them closer.’
CKC
You are happy now.
SP
Yes, I am. Am settled, happy and all good. Life is good, Rhea is growing up and slowly becoming independent. She is a strong girl and I am proud of her. It is not easy for kids, the transition. She moved here when she was seven years, initially her accent was an issue, there were racial tensions, overall, it was a tough journey and my daughter says, ‘every year it gets better. It’s good.’ She is in grade 12, working part time as a soccer coach for a kids team, she is driving now, and that means I have my me time and I can travel a lot.
CKC
What’s in the future?
SP
From where I started I never thought I would even go to work. Look at where I am. Sometimes when I go to work I say to myself, ‘where am I!’ I would like to do my small little things. It’s always good to have something new to try, so I want to learn to ski, travel more around Canada and learn some new crafts. No big plans, no big dreams, just peace. Take life as it comes, taking it easy. I believe in my prayer and the only strength you can depend on is prayer.
CKC
Thankyou Sakhy for sharing your journey so far. I know you have endured a lot in life and I wish only the best and only the best for you in future. I cannot thank you enough for this conversation. It will make a difference to many who are looking to find inspiration when going through tough times in life.
SP
I am sharing my account because I want to make a difference in another person’s life. Just one if I can help, means a lot to me. People who know me see me as a calm person and sometimes perceive me as a strong person, but I have had so many ups and downs in my life. These trails in my life have made me stronger and better as a human being. Sharing my story has been so reassuring for me. I feel happy. Thank you, Chippy.
It's a new week and what can I do to make your day special? How about we talk a bit about friends and friendship. What does friendship mean to me?
Friends are the family we choose, the beat to our hearts, the reason we laugh a lot, cry a little less, and smile a lot more. And I believe friends bring more happiness into our lives than anything else in our days. Friendships are most successful if the expectations are natural and no ulterior purposes are set. When there is a motive behind it, normally we all have experiences of it failing and crashing too soon and creating heartburns and agony. For me, my good friends, ease my stress, give support and delight, prevent loneliness and seclusion.
I can warmly say I have made quite a lot of patrons over the years. I have had the opportunity to come across many individuals from school to college. And also to meet people through family, work, and other associates and acquaintances. And I am blessed in many ways because I am connected and in 'connect' with many and I call them all my friends.
I will have to turn the clock back and take you back to those good old days. In those non-community living days, I had two sets of friends, one at school and one near home. This happened only because of the distance between school and home. Remember that time, when you walk into a new class, you look for the space to park yourself for the rest of the year, and then there are those few who would look at you with wonder, and then offer the seat next to them and there you forge a pact, there begins the friendship forever. We start looking for an affinity to connect and a few questions at home also trigger our thoughts, 'Who is your friend?, 'Where do they live?', 'Do they have siblings?' and also important was 'What are their grades?' These questions had to have an answer to please our parents. Remember those days.
The best times of school were during recess and lunch break. Sharing food, exchanging comic books, talking about the teacher who was super strict, movies, sports, and more. It brought in wonderful learning of self-confidence, the ability to connect with all, and converse. Friendship is different for all of us. There were few groups during those days, the studious in one group, studies plus sports mixed group, the sporting stars group, only fun group, and let's not forget the hooligans of our days, they made life scary and fun at those times. They were all and it was memorable. The bench friends are the closest as we move from every class till 10th grade and it's evergreen with love and warmth. The separation of school friends started after 10th and some went on to do diplomas, various streams of studies, different schools. I wish the internet was there those days to stay connected. So many of us lost connection because of the distance, accessibility, and change in each of our life's routes.
As one moves with age, oh! remember those peaks of teen years into the college space, it’s a new world. A clear feeling of an adult entering college than just being a kid. The atmosphere is vibrant and exciting and the friends one makes here are for a lifetime (in most cases). The affinity, liking gets aligned. Career planning conversations were remarkably interesting, as some of us planned to take up higher studies and few of us got into the workforce soon. Circumstances and life choices, situations, and visions made us all who we are today.
Sport is and has always been an integral part of my life. Another big space for a new friendship to be forged, for people to develop a good connection is while playing sports, and being part of NCC / NSS, being a volunteer in certain group activities, clubs, conventions and social connect programs. I have had wonderful support from such friends across the cities I have lived and they continue to be one. Life-changing moments and life-altering people have crossed my paths due to these affiliations.
I have had an amazing friendship from my College National Cadet Corps (NCC) days and it's so special to each one of us in the group. We are from all parts of the country who were part of a youth exchange program in 1991 to Canada and believe me, it’s the best to have happened to all of us. We all catch up now due to the covid pandemic through digital platforms, but when we meet up it's like going back to the days of 1991. There is always a feeling of bonhomie and even meeting up after months or years it looks like we all just met up. Growing over the years, families started to meet up and now the next generation is part of the catch-up. There are no words to describe the special bonding of this group of wonderful friends. Alumni meets are great moments to live up and we attempt to meet up every year now.
Likewise, friends from the workplace – you make your choice of people whom you like to connect with for a lifetime. There is a good amount of open discussions to sort the way things look like and also a sounding board among us to understand the markets, work culture, problem-solving, outlook on career, etc.
There are moments of support friendship brings in a big way. People find it easier to open up to friends than with relatives, purely I feel it is because they are not judging you. They accept the person as they are and try to find a way to support them at all times. And the psychological support the friends give to one another, it's priceless and so beautiful. The frequency is so tuned that the other person will start sharing their thoughts, issues at home, classes, workplaces, coping up with life, their aspirations, what they want to do. It’s a huge never-ending list one could relate to and remember.
There is a strong belief that you will become what and how your friends influence you. So it's important to be sure of the influencing factors which can impact you and your environment of family, community, and workplaces.
Make good connections with people, be yourself and find your best moments of life with friends, as they will surely make you feel good and lively. Don’t look for friendship, as it has to evolve and happen as a natural progression, with good vibes, common interests, the ability to adapt to each other's situation, and more importantly comfort.
Friendship is a word of trueness and unconditional support, come what may. It is an area one would always relate their best of times, let it be school days, college/university days, neighbourhood friends, and new friends made at the workplace. Sometimes you meet a person and you just match, you are comfortable with them like you have known them your whole journey of life, and you do not have to pretend to be anyone or anything. You can just be you. So when you find those good souls, keep them close, never let them go. A genuine mate accepts who you are, but also helps you become who you should be.
Cheers to good friends and always remember, the only way to have a friend is to be one.
Regards,
Sai
Art of How To 