I have never understood life so deeply. It’s been months since my baby boy came into this world and I still am not over the fact that I was a completely a different person just a few months back.

To begin with, I was not ready – leave alone ready, I was quite sure I was going to be just a dog mom for the rest of my life. This was not because of anything else but the sheer fact that I believed I was just not a very responsible human being. I took too long to learn myself, unlearn things about myself and appreciate who I was. Well, as I swung through my days like that, I was taken by surprise when my gynaecologist said that I was five months pregnant.

Five months and I did not have a clue? I was asked this question so many times by so many people including myself. Am I even a “girl” for not knowing my body? Am I so irresponsible and naive to not know what my body was going through? I can only blame my ridiculously irregular cycles throughout my life that I was just so casual about the whole thing.

Though an inexcusable statement, my Polycystic Ovarian Disease, or PCOD did make me believe everything was normal. The year before, I was losing weight, was wearing clothes I’ve always dreamt of, was posing for pictures like a queen, was basking in the glory of shedding pounds which I have always wanted to. Then I hear the news and I go blank. I was not ready. I was not prepared. I shut down from everyone and everything. All at once.

Nothing was the same. I was not the same. I changed. Not every woman wants to be a mom. Maybe hard to hear, but not every woman wants a baby to take care of. I was a woman like that. Perhaps, I was just too scared of the responsibility. I was overwhelmed by the fact that someone was going to rely on me. I am going to have to be there for someone. Real-time.

My journey from an easy-go-lucky, fun-loving, carefree, always on the run girl to a MOTHER was not planned, thought of, expected, or oh-so-happy in the beginning.

Things changed.

Part 2 – Surprised or Shocked

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