Author: msveenagupta

Festivals Are For MEN

/ msveenagupta / 3 Comments

One Pandemic-lockdown afternoon my child was attending his pre-primary online school when lightning struck! No. Not from the sky. But in my mind.

Since I, too, was working from home, I was in the same room as him. The teacher educated the kids about Community Helpers. After she was done instructing, she asked them, “who cleans the house?” (Hint answer: Maid) One of the student answered, “MOTHERRRR!!” 

The teacher went silent. The entire class busted into laughter. Bwahahahaaaa…

So did I burst into laughter. Although, my heart pinched a little. Children speak what they see, and they talk about the truth with brutal honesty. The student said what he saw every day. 

This incident sent me pondering – Why could the child’s answer not be ‘Father’ instead? Men also need to feed themselves like every other human and have clean surroundings, clothes, and utensils to cook! So why is the answer to all the domestic work always ‘Mother’ or ‘Wife’? Why is Men’s contribution to household chores so less?

It is noteworthy that it has nothing to do with the Chores themselves…

If it involves cooking – there are Chefs who (mostly ) are men.

If it requires cleaning – there are Housekeeping staff who are men too.

If it consists of washing – there are Washermen all over. 

So, it’s not about the Chores, and it is all about Unpaid labour. 

The point is, Men do the same tasks, BUT ONLY WHEN THEY ARE PAID! 

Statistics show that all over the world, only 32% of men contribute to household chores, whereas 78% of women spend more than 3 hours of unpaid household chores each day. The scores are worse for Indian men who appear at the bottom of the list! Indian averages show that more than 90% of Indian women do unpaid domestic work compared to only 27% of men!

In world statistics, Slovenia tops the list of men contributing a whopping 114 minutes of housework every day on average, while our Indian men only manage a meager 19 minutes daily! 

The infographics from Statista shows a profound male-female gap when it comes to participating in domestic work.

For Indian men, this is proof of the ‘Raja Babu’ fodder that most women feed their little sons (and themselves) since childhood. 

The Raja Babu Syndrome

For starters, let the explanation be simple. Raja = King, Babu = Little Boy. So your ‘Raja Babu’ is nothing but your little son who you lovingly hail as the ‘King’ (of your heart and your little kingdom). So cute! 

Everyone loves their child, but the Indian obsession with male children spills onto everything Indians do in their day-to-day lives. The boys get pampered with so much love and attention that we mothers forget to teach them about responsibilities. Or even if we want to, our families wouldn’t let us because they are (still) suffering from the same syndrome; as the previous generation!

Coming back to ‘Raja Babu.’ Once these boys grow up, they have become so used to the pampering that the ‘responsibility’ thought never OCCURS for them. It never crosses their mind that housework is everybody’s responsibility. 

If you have guests over to your place, and you have a daughter and a son both of the same age group; you will, due to years of social and mental conditioning, by default summon the daughter to help you out with the chores, while your son will run around creating chaos or at best engaged in gadgets. 

We have taught ourselves and our boys over many years of conditioning that they are the Rajas and the Babus of our lives and need not move a muscle to help us out with household chores! So it is no wonder that when these Raja Babus grow up to become Men, they still feel as pampered and entitled as they have been since childhood.

The situation gets worse if you have festivals around! Bigger the festival, the bigger the load – for the Woman. Because no matter what, our men will only contribute their 19 minutes, that’s it! 

Imagine you have a Family gathering/upcoming Festival, and these thoughts run in the minds of the men and the women!

Some may reason that Men entrust with the more challenging goal of earning the family’s bread and butter, so it’s only fair that the other partner handles the additional responsibilities. FAIR. But what do you say for situations where the Woman is working almost as many hours as the men, to earn as much bread-n-butter as men, and still all these chores are only her responsibility? Women are primarily engrossed in the mental and physical work, while the Man gets away with just 19 Minutes! 

I hear Men taking pride in saying – ‘I Help With The Household Chores!!’

HELP? REALLY? It is as if saying it was the Woman’s job, to begin with, BUT I ‘HELPED’!!

Bravo! What a Noble Deed!!! 

Men get excused since they go out to work and presume as tired. All the while, women are still expected to manage work and home.

Honestly, I do not know how or when this will change, so don’t expect any answers from me.

I only have a thought – probably it is only the Men who get to enjoy a festival in the real sense, all the while, the women are drained and tired by the end of the D-day. So I say, festivals are only for Men to celebrate!

Over to you, my readers. Your thoughts?

For Statistical Reference: 
EIGE-2021 Gender Equality Index 2021 Report: Health
How Many Men Participate in Household Chores?
Where In The World Do Men Do The Most Housework?
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Afraid To Die

/ msveenagupta / 2 Comments

Afraid to die and afraid to live! Death is an eternal truth. Every living creature who walks this planet has to perish. Some later, some sooner. Most people fear death, only the degree of this fear varies from person to person. Death is such an intriguing concept that we have an entire scientific study dedicated to learning about it viz Thanatology.Thanatology is a scientific discipline that examines death from many perspectives, including physical, ethical, spiritual, medical, sociological, and psychological.

While some fear may be healthy if it makes us more cautious and mindful, excessive and unhealthy fear of dying is crippling. But one thing is for sure – everyone is afraid of dying. No one in their right frame of mind wants to DIE. 

Fair and acceptable.

What about the people who are afraid of LIFE?

Never heard of it? I am sure you have met some, just haven’t identified them as ‘Afraid to Live’ beings!!

These beings are normal people like you and me. They breathe, eat, sleep and function like everyone else. So what sets them apart?  

What qualifies them as ‘afraid to live’ is their Periculophobia i.e. an abject fear of taking any risk! This phobia is understood to be the result of a traumatic experience post failure of a risk-taking attempt. And I am not attempting to belittle it in any way or form. There are genuine cases of people suffering from it and I respect their resolve to deal with it.

What I am instead talking about are the people, who haven’t taken any risks in their lives merely for the fear of unknown consequences they may have to deal with. These are the people who are so afraid of the consequences that they dodge the risk-taking altogether. They are so risk-averse that, let alone taking risks in their lives, they will try to avoid any decision-making et al. You cannot imagine living a meaningful life without taking life-altering decisions. No decision-making or risk-taking= No real life!

A ‘safe’ life is a rote life.

If you were told that you have a free party coming up tonight only for an hour. You have nothing else to do tonight. Would you attend it? Well of course yes, right? What do you have to lose anyway? You will try to make the most out of it since you have nothing to lose. Would you sit down analysing what is good, or bad, or not up to the mark; or what can go wrong or would you just make the most of that limited time and enjoy yourself to the fullest? Most would do the latter. 

It is the same with life – you have limited time; you either make the most of it or you do nothing. Party ends on time whether you enjoy it or not. There is no second chance or extension of this party called LIFE. 

This set of people that I call ‘afraid to live’ is afraid of taking chances in life. They don’t want to take any leap of faith, even for the dream that they so badly want to achieve. Afraid of spreading their wings to fly into the unknown, they never really experience freedom! They don’t experience what free air under the wing feels like.

They are so paralysed by fear that they set ‘safe’ boundaries for themselves. These safe boundaries are nothing but the tried, tested, and rote rules that society has laid down, which they know keep them safe. What they don’t realize is that it keeps them ‘Imprisoned’ too! 

They have dreams too, but fulfilling your dream requires guts to take decisions you have never taken before. It requires you to be prepared for the unknown that you may encounter. It takes courage to pursue what infuses life in you. It requires you to take risks, and take decisions – the outcome of which you don’t know yet, but you still have to have the daredevilry in you. You need not be the stuntman trying to jump from mountains and breathe fire. Have respect for life and care about it. But fear not to the extent of paralysing yourself into not taking any step forward. If you are not willing to step out into the unknown, how will you ever achieve that Dream? Fear Kills Dreams – and you got to realize this before death kills life! 

This time between your birth and your death – this little time is only what you have in your hands. This is what is called life. A third of this ‘party time’ we spend sleeping, another one-third ‘working’, the remaining one-third is all you have – to grow up, to travel, to love, to commute, to dance, to sing, to have a family, and to pursue your dream. Even if you live 80 years, one-third leaves you with just 27 years to do everything you want to do and can do. Are you prepared to live this life in fear?

Would you die in regret of not living a fulfilling life or would you rather take those chances and see where it goes? What do you have to lose anyway? There is no ‘ever-after’ after death? Would you not LIVE before you DIE? It is okay to be Afraid of Death, but not okay to be AFRAID TO LIVE!

ONE DAY YOUR HEART WILL STOP BEATING
AND NONE OF YOUR FEARS WILL MATTER.
WHAT WILL MATTER IS HOW YOU LIVED.

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The Grey Divorce

/ msveenagupta / 4 Comments

Divorce has never been an easy word. It has never been just a word et al. 

It has always been a story.

A story of pain, deceit, heartbreak, lies, indifference, and sometimes even Delight! The emotions attached to Divorce may be different for each one – even for the same couple, divorce evokes different emotions for both estranged partners. It comes with its emotional baggage, financial constraints, societal taboos, and personal agony.

And just as there are different emotions experienced by different people, there may be several reasons for the disunion instead of the honeyed ‘Till death do us apart!’ Whatever the reasons, they always spell trouble and surprise for the families involved. More so when you least expect it. At a time, that we have been conditioned to believe, as the one you need your partner the most. A divorce that comes in your ‘grey’ years – THE ‘GREY’ DIVORCE!

So, What exactly is a Grey Divorce?

Divorces manifesting in long-running marriages, typically beyond 15-20 years are touted as Grey divorces. By this time, you are already touching middle-age and dealing with grey hair…hence the name!

There are many more surprising elements to this Divorce than just the nature and the name. First of all, they happen late in life – which you would often imagine as the settled and wary phase to even think of separation. Secondly, more and more couples are opting to separate than ever before.

And most surprisingly – Women are the initiators of this divorce 66% of the time! (WHOA!! Talk about Women empowerment)

So, what do you think goes wrong … that too, so late in life? Let’s ponder over it a bit.

First Things First – It’s not an impulsive decision. The very reason that the stakeholders have taken so long to mull over it, that they have reached middle-age, is testimony to the fact that it is a well-thought-off act.

Secondly, if the woman has initiated it, you can be sure she has exhausted every option and hope for the relationship’s revival.

WHAT COULD BE THE REASONS THOUGH?

People grow as they age. With life’s many experiences and trials & tribulations, people grow. Unfortunately, they may not grow together but rather apart. This may be heartbreaking but not impossible. Just as people can fall in love, they can grow out of love as well. Relationship familiarity breeds contempt and boredom here. Spouses take each other for granted and forget to show appreciation for each other. This frustration leads to growing apart, in search of acceptance and appreciation. 

Let’s face it. The earlier generations did not have it all hunky-dory in all marriages. But many duplets still survived the ordeal. Some did only because of the stigma they may have to face if they did go the dreaded path. Societal pressure kept them from seeking separation. 

But things have changed over the years. Call it evolution or indifference; now people care much less about what’s going on in your life. The flip side of this all is the rise in the numbers seeking dissolution of the sacred institution of Marriage. Divorce is no longer a Taboo! 

No more stigma=less pressure to stay in an unhappy marriage

Many and many and yet so many people stay put in unhealthy, unhappy marriages for the sake of their beloveds – Their CHILDREN.

Quite understandably so. They brought them to this world. It was a promise they made to their children to keep them happy; take good care of them; provide them with everything they need and see them grow into beautiful humans. For the sake of this promise, they do not want to shake the foundation of this hollow relationship. They are willing to live this lie for the rest of their lives. A relationship that is an Illusion of a ‘Happy Home’ for their children; even if it has nothing to offer for the partner themselves.

By the time the children have grown, the need for keeping this illusion alive has reduced. This is the biggest driver for the exodus – especially for women. For them, this is where they become the ‘Walkaway Wife’. When an unhappy wife suddenly divorces or walks out on her spouse without warning, is coined as ‘Walkaway wife’. 

‘Without warning’ is a bit of fallacy here, as I believe nothing of this magnitude can be without warning. It may instead be the ignorance of the other partner towards the changes in the relationship, that causes the final step to come as a shock. 

Now that the children are independent and probably even understand that the relationship is not in good stead, people no longer feel the need to drag it further and eventually call it quits.

With more financial freedom comes more choices to live a happy and fulfilling life. Many may still try to live the dead relationship just because ‘it’s too late.’ But the ones who are adventurous enough to take the plunge, feel surer about this once they are financially more secure. It could be career advancement or inheritance of wealth or savings – finances do make a difference in this long-term decision.

Even the lack of it can be a reason for the Grey Divorce. Couples who have struggled with debt for a long time or have been constantly fighting about finances often end up divorcing in the golden years.

Yes, this seems unrelated, but surprisingly is a compelling component of the decision-making process to the D-word.

Look at it this way – if you have only a month to live and you are in an unhappy marriage, would you walk out on them to live happily? Well, some would agree… but a majority would rather not take the bait and live content for the rest of the time they have.

Now imagine if I told you that you have 30 years more to live. Would you still live in this unhappy situation or would rather break free and find the life of your dreams? 

BINGO. You would choose the latter!

With life’s expectancy going beyond 80 and 90 years, people in their middle ages do not want to continue in unfulfilling relationships for the coming 30-40 or 50 years. They want to do away with anything not adding to their happiness index. And this is where the grey divorce contemplation creeps in.

You have worked all your life rushing from task to task to make things work in your youth. Children, finances, loans, chores, and everything else have kept you on your toes. Now that the children are grown up and fled your nest to find their own life, you are left with only their memories and no real work to do. You have been so busy with your life that you no longer recognize your partner or your partnership with them. So once your ‘mission’ i.e., your children, has gone, you are suddenly left with a huge void, and life and partner you no longer connect with! What follows next is reassessment and retrospection of your life which many a time leads to a grey divorce.

The reasons could be different for people. But one noteworthy thing is that people are slowly but surely rising to such possibilities. Whether it is good or bad, is a debatable question. It is more of a personal choice and depends on what one is seeking in his/her life. 

One thing for sure is that Divorces are never easy on anyone. If you have shared a big part of your life and youth with someone, they do deserve a second chance. The same reasons that lead to separation could also lead to a reinvention of the relationship. Every relationship needs work, and so does this new-old relationship. Think about it and let your Grey matter overrule a grey divorce!

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Astro Disasters

/ msveenagupta / 3 Comments

Ever glanced at a stranger and sensed instant hostility towards them? And then wondered why did that happen in the first place. What made you feel so much bitterness and resentment towards them even though you two haven’t met?

There’s quite a possibility here, that it’s not you, but your respective Zodiacs at War! Remember your romantic partner you wished you had never dated? Or never even met! They were the same people you once were moony-eyed for. But once you got close, they turned out to be your worst nightmares. What could have gone wrong there was your initial attraction connived by your very own Zodiac.

Just as there are Love signs; there are signs that are so incompatible that they should Never Date! Let’s delve into some of these Disastrous Matches:

One of my favorites of all the Disasters! If you arrange all the signs in order they are usually discussed, it starts with Aries and ends with Pisces. Ever wondered why?

That’s because they are arranged chronologically according to their Mental age and Maturity. So accordingly, ARIES is the BABY of the Zodiac while Pisces is the PARENT of the Zodiac. Now, before you train your guns on me, let me clarify that I don’t mean Aries is immature. It only refers to their demeanor. Aries is more free-spirited like a child, while Pisces has a more mature outlook and comportment.

For the same reasons, they are incompatible to the core. You would say that a parent-child relationship should be great… Well, yes! But ever imagined having a child for a life partner? Of course, Aries will gel well with others similar to them…but not the Pisces. Aries wants attention, noise, and activity around them while Pisces craves stillness, tranquility, and quiet. It is no wonder then that they top the list of incompatibility!

Cancer is characterised by the crab. It takes a long time to come out of its shell. It can do so only if trusts its surroundings enough and trust takes a long time to build. 

Aries, being the child of the Zodiac is impatient. It lives in the moment and cannot comprehend what takes cancer so long to commit! Aries believes in love (and even sex) at the spur of the moment. While Cancer to commit, it has to be an eternal promise transcending lifetimes. By the time Cancer has made up its mind to commit, Aries has already packed up their bags and left!

Another one of my favorites! Scorpio commands loyalty. Geminis are flirtatious. End of story.

Scorpio cannot understand, for the life of them, why Gemini finds it okay to mingle and hit upon everyone in sight. Both Scorpio and Gemini like attention and being the ‘Star’ of the party, but detest the same streak in the other. 

Gemini energy flows like air and their moods change with the wind. This is particularly scary for Scorpios who are trying to score them on Trust Index. For Scorpio, Gemini is too impulsive and inconsistent to be trustworthy.

Leo is loud, flashy, and believes in the GRANDEUR of Life. Pisces is sensitive, timid, and broody. Need I say more about why they don’t make a good pair?

Leo believes in being the life of the party while Pisces enters a party in ‘incognito mode. Leo believes they know all that is there to know. Pisces feels only God knows everything. Leo wants to rock the party, and Pisces wants to spend the evening on a secluded beach counting the stars and talking about angels. Leo loves themselves and Pisces loves everyone in the world. Both cannot comprehend each other’s psyche and hence are incompatible.

Cancer is a sensitive sign and can get moody and pensive without warning. Aquarius on the other hand are level-headed and clear in their heads. Aquarius loves ideas, innovations, discoveries, and new ways of doing things. Cancer seeks stability, familiarity, and simplicity – which spells stagnation and boredom for Aquarius.

Cancer seeks emotional stimulation to feel the love, while Aquarius is the Loner – lost in their world seeking answers, and hence aloof. This dissatisfies cancer’s emotional needs which spells doomsday for the relationship

Sagittarius believes in charming everyone to get their job done. They are less bothered by methods, procedures, and protocols and couldn’t care less about bullet points in your presentation. They are party animals and life is a big party for them!

Capricorn on the other hand is very methodological and professional. Their professional identity is everything to them. They work very very hard to reach their goal while Sagittarius believes in charming their opponents to win the game. Capricorns are dependable and trustworthy, while Sagittarius lives for the moment. Both are poles apart which is why they shouldn’t even come close to committing. 

Taurus believes in taking it slow and steady. Stability is everything to them. They, therefore, are seldom frivolous and finicky. More earthy and laidback is what appeals to them.

Leos on the other hand are flashy, fiery, attention-grabbing thrill seekers. They do not understand Taurus’ need for anonymity. Everything going on in Leo’s life must be ‘shown off, while Taurus wants to keep it extremely private. Leo’s ‘Life is a party’ energy is too much to take for a Laid-back Taurean. Leo loves the spotlight while Taurus is reserved. 

If Taurus – the bull – gets angry somehow, nothing stands in their way. This of course does not go well with the ‘King of the Jungle’ – LEO the Lion!

There are often many other factors that play a vital role in determining the compatibility of two people – Which is why there can never be an acid test devised to gauge that. Having said that, there’s some role that zodiacs do play in explaining mysterious feelings of like and dislike you experience for someone you have just met. So, if you are still wondering about why you broke up with your ex, you may want to check their zodiac once again! 

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Have You Met A Narcissist

/ msveenagupta / 12 Comments

If you still believe in the goodness of life, if you still find a reason to sing a song, if you still have any self-esteem and confidence alive, there’s a fair chance you haven’t met a Narcissist yet! And pray that you don’t EVER. Well, they can suck away your life and cripple your soul!

First. What is a Narcissist, anyway? Narcissism is defined as a condition where a person has an unhealthy and highly inflated sense of self-importance while lacking any empathy for others. The ‘Others’ exist in their surroundings only to ‘serve’ them. This is the unwavering belief they harbour throughout their existence. They believe they are ‘GOD’ themselves. So Toxic is their behaviour that this has been recognized as a documented disorder NPD viz. Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

A Narcissist is a person who is unabashedly arrogant, audacious, supremely self-centered, and desires excessive admiration and Need for attention. They seek extreme attention and extreme devotion from you. Extreme is the word. If you have ever been in a room and the entire attention, unnecessarily, is on one person; there’s a good chance this person is a Narcissist. They love attention. The Solitary reason for their existence is ‘Attention’. They feed on it. They want to be the center of the universe for everyone present there. 

If your celebration/meeting/event/thoughts are about them – like their birthdays, celebrating their life, thinking about them; then you are good. But god forbid if it is not about them, you had it. They will MAKE it about them – Drama, threat, blame game, creating a scene, insulting your guests… they will go to any lengths to destroy your peace and joy. It HAS to be about them. You cannot dream of having a life independent of them. They won’t allow you to have it that way.

A Narcissist, they want your devotion. Since they are ‘GODS’ in their own belief, they ought to have devotees, right? They want you to think of them as your ‘GOD’ and do everything in your capacity, and beyond, to keep them happy. And never expect a thing in return from them. You ought to Worship the Narcissist to keep them from hurting you. There’s a very systematic way a Narcissist destroys you. And it is so subtle you won’t even notice until it’s too late! Here are a few game plans they have up their sleeves.

1. Love-Bombing:  

This is the first stage where they are wooing you. A Narc (short for Narcissist) will do anything to make you believe they are your soulmates. That you were ‘meant’ to be together. They will give you so much attention and affection that you start believing ‘You are made for each other.’ They may even adopt your belief system, your ideology, and your cult to showcase the similarities you two have. Needless to say, it is just a part of the biggest conspiracy. This love bombing is a part of a cycle of abuse that is to follow.

2. Hijacking Friends and Family

Once they have convinced you of their love, they expand their deceptive net to your family, then to your friends and even your colleagues. This is done so your innermost circle is made to believe that the Narcissist is the best thing that happened to you and you would be stupid to let him/her go! This is the time the Narc will also test the waters to see who will fall for their lies and can be used later as ‘Flying Monkeys.’ Once they have met your circle, they will systematically isolate you from every support system and hijack your relationships. Now they are the ‘Hero’ there while you are constantly ‘unreachable.’

3. Devalue and Discard phase

This happens right after your commitment. Once you have committed yourself to the Narcissist and he/she knows you cannot get out of this relationship easily, then the true colours start filtering in. The fault finding begins. Your efforts are no longer enough to keep them happy. The devaluation begins here and continues forever. The ‘Gas-lighting’ begins. While you keep amping your efforts up, your value to them goes down-spiral. You wonder where all that love went. You are disoriented and confused. You want the person who they pretended to be in the beginning. You want your ‘soulmate’ back. Abuse (mental, emotional, and sometimes physical) creeps into your paradise. So, you try harder and harder… to get your happy life back!

4. Gas-lighting

Gaslighting means manipulating someone emotionally into doubting their sanity. This is turning around your accusation on yourself. Making you the criminal for your wound. This happens when, and if, you gather the courage to confront the Narcissist about changed behaviour or abuse. Remember they are ‘gods’ in their minds, and questioning ‘god’s’ ways is an unpardonable sin in their kingdom. So, they will punish you by stating “that did not happen” (denial), “that is nothing” (trivialising your pain), and “You are so mean and cheap to think that of them” (making you the Criminal instead of the Victim). 

5. Trauma bonding

The Narcissist will keep you constantly confused about the abuse. Will throw in Love-bombing stages in between so you keep wondering your sanity as to which one of their faces is real! 

If for the life of you, you happen to identify their pattern and decide to leave or move away, they won’t let you do that either. The promises to change and be a better human being are made to you. Suddenly they ‘realize’ they were in the wrong and promise to set every straight forever. They want to tie you down (Trauma Bond) with their abuse. They might even blame the abuse on some external issue like job loss, stress, some third person causing a rift, etc etc. 

There is one rule to their fictitious story – They are either the HERO or the VICTIM, but NEVER the VILLIAN!! And they won’t let you go. You are their ‘Supply’ – of admiration, labour, money, and work. They latch on to you till they find a new ‘supply’ and then they will discard you like you never mattered. 

6. Flying monkeys

Supposing better sense prevailed and you walk out on them… or even when they throw you out of their lives, they will employ flying monkeys to keep tabs on you to ensure you don’t reach out to people and uncover their lies. Flying monkeys are nothing but common acquaintances, friends, and family members (identified during the ‘hijacking’ phase) put into action to carry out the abuse on behalf of the Narc. They become the invisible hands of the Narcissist. The narc narrates false stories to them and they (in the attempt to help out) will unleash their worst terrors on you. You are suddenly an Outsider to your people.

While the Narcissist enjoys their trust and love. This is soul crippling and confidence eroding. Some people even go through bouts of depression and worse. But is there any Recourse?

YES. THANKFULLY YES… and that is BOUNDARIES.
You heard me B-O-U-N-D-A-R-I-E-S

You may or may never recover from the scars of this exploitation and abuse, but there is something you can do before, and while dealing with it. Enforce your boundaries. And stand by them! Having boundaries keeps the Narc from choosing you as their ‘Supply’ in the first place. If somehow a Narcissist still creeps in, they may leave early. Think of it as a Narcissist-repellent! People with healthy self-esteem know the importance of Boundaries in a relationship. And to keep a relationship healthy you need to set and reinforce boundaries. 

Have you ever wondered why good-natured people end up with Bad-tempered people and vice versa? The answer is BOUNDARIES. 

Good people believe in the goodness of others and reach out to help. They have fewer insecurities and hence a lesser need for strict boundaries. This is a Narcissist’s perfect breeding ground, where they can find their supply with the least restrictions and troubles. This is their pre-requisite for choosing their ‘Supply’, their target. The only thing they abhor is a ‘STOP SIGN’. Manipulators do not like being stopped. They want free reign at whatever they want to do; however, they want to execute their malice.

The only way to stop Narcissistic abuse is to stop playing their game, move away as far as possible and enforce as many boundaries as possible. Legal ones too if needed! They may run around the town describing how mean and ruthless you are, sabotaging your image… but remember, that’s a small price to pay for your freedom. 

My advice to you? RUN RUN RUN for your LIFE!

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Women Its All Your Fault

/ msveenagupta / 6 Comments

Women, all over the world, have heard it! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT.

For some lame rhyme or reason, we find it easy to blame a woman for all the wrongs in our personal, professional, social and oddly even in national, international and galactic issues! Even fellow women love beating each other down customarily. The reasons may be different – social conditioning, custom practices, personal gains, community ignorance, low literacy … The reasons are endless. But what is striking is its Prevalence!

Do you remember the time when one of the largest container ships, got grounded in The Suez Canal? People jumped to blame the ship’s Female captain, Marwa Elselehdar. Even though she was posted hundreds of miles away, somewhere in Alexandria! Even before any fact-checking, just because a female exists in the arena to blame, the masses blamed her. Meme and troll factories were working overtime to dish out fun ways to showcase the incompetency of women in a male bastion. What was even more amusing was once the world found out that it was a man’s fault, the entire euphoria died down. After wards it was just ‘an incident in history.’

Female blaming’s ubiquity is overwhelming and traumatizing. It cuts across customs, religions, cultures, and national boundaries. Everywhere and in every culture, it seems just EASY to blame a woman than to engage in any kind of introspection. Blaming ‘Her’ absolves us from the difficult task of analyzing the root cause of the problem, as also the frightening ramifications of realizing that the godly ‘WE’ may be the problem! And all the analyzing and soul-searching takes time. Who has got it? we got to work, feed our stomachs, build our families… so just blame a woman and get back to work! EASY, isn’t it?

Blaming a woman does happen in many intriguing ways. You name a problem that ‘She’ faces and one can turn around and blame it on the Woman HERSELF!!

1. Gender Bias

Obviously gender bias exists. Who better than women can vouch for it? It paralyzes all the effort a woman has put into educating or building herself. It works like a punishment for ‘being’ a Woman.

How is it her fault? 
She needs to be protected, as she is weak. So, in the name of protection, we give her less struggle (read opportunities), less work (read chances), and less exposure (read recognition). So we, as men and as a society, are essentially ‘protecting’ her, and still, the woman is not happy! You see how ungrateful she is. Isn’t it, her fault now?

2. Pay Disparity

Unequal pay for Equal work – Working women all over the world face this. Getting paid less for equal work (rather more work) is a corporate evil no woman has escaped. Research has established that women all over the globe get paid less for the same amount of work. Being equally capable and proving equal worthiness somehow still does not translate into equal compensation.

How is it her fault? 
Why not? What does she need so much money for? She doesn’t have a family to support or feed. Even if she is the only earning member, we are conditioned to believe that a Man supports and feeds a family. So why does she want equal pay? Greedy, isn’t she?

3. Sexual Violence

Cat cries, eve-teasing, or the more heinous – Rape. All these falls under the same umbrella with just rising degrees of barbarity. No woman needs an explanation of what sexual violence is. So let me not dig deeper into it else I might just open old sores.

How is it her fault? 
Oh! This one is my favourite. You see, she carries her body that entices men to look at her in unhealthy ways. She dresses provocatively. She is ‘asking’ for it. She ‘dresses’ for men to look at. She goes out (to work), so that is her decision to put herself in a dangerous situation. ……blah blah blah… the list is endless. The point is everything about sexual violence is blamed on the woman. Whether it is her dress, the way she carries herself, how she talks, dresses, drinks, her lipstick, her heels… everything is to be blamed. I remember one particular incident, where the rapist blamed the mannequins (dressed provocatively) and led him to commit rape. WHOA…. that’s a new one! Whatever happened to the self-control… it is the woman’s fault!

4. Educational Inequality 

This is where some sects of the society do not feel the need to educate the Femme fraternity. Eventually, all she had to do is manage the household and children, so many think she does not need a Degree. Even if that means she has a less opportune life, who cares? 

How is it her fault? 
If the woman is ‘too’ educated, she might just ask for her rights. The best is to keep her under-educated or illiterate, so she cannot comprehend what is rightfully hers. Her ignorance is Our Bliss! We provide her with food and shelter anyway, why does she need more? Greedy again! Her fault. God punishes Greed.

5. Social Discrimination

Women don’t need an introduction to this either. They face this cruelty every day. Everything is judged critically, and closely. The scrutiny a woman is subjected to in daily life is appalling. The impossible task of keeping everyone happy is the Woman’s job.

How is it her fault? 
From the family’s health to prosperity to education to conformity to traditional values, everything is the woman’s responsibility. So is the fault if anything doesn’t go great guns. And she has just this one job to do – keep everyone happy and she fails at this too? Then, the fault for being so incompetent is hers.

6. Glass Ceilings

When after all the trials of troubles, somehow a woman manages to continue pursuing her corporate dreams, she meets her most subtle foe – the Glass ceiling. Having sacrificed a lot in her life to see her one dream come true, she gets this punishment for dreaming Big. 

How is it her fault? 
A woman who has not been present for her family, her kids, her husband, her in-laws, and her parents; how is she good to head a Corporate? She lacks compassion and other human qualities; she cannot be trusted! She must be a ‘task-master’ and therefore a hard-nosed b$$$$h. Has not dreamt anything beyond ‘Money.’ Hence Greedy…so her fault!

7. Personal Judgements

Judgements galore! No end to this one. Women get judged by Men, Society, friends, contemporaries, their kind, their family, children, neighbours, plumbers, carpenters, etc etc etc…No one spares her.

How is it her fault? 
Well, I told you in the beginning, it is E-A-S-Y to blame a woman and get back to our lives. I mean, what can she do anyway? No court of law recognizes any of this as a punishable offense or even an ‘offense’ in the first place. We have mouths to feed, houses to build and we ain’t got the time to ponder on whose fault it is, so we blame a woman and get on with our lives. How is it her fault? She is a woman – Simple.

It is heart-breaking, to say the least. And it hurts even more when the blame game and finger-pointing is a Woman’s. They say “The hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world.” But in reality, “The hand that rocks the cradle, takes the BLAME.” Is there a resolution? I am speechless, and I don’t have a solution. Anyone out there know of a solution?

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Dream Analysis

/ msveenagupta / 4 Comments

We, humans, love to dream. We dream endlessly. Some are aspirational ones – the ones we dream with open eyes – Our goals and Ambitions. And then there are dreams we see while asleep – the hallucinatory experience that occurs while sleeping.

The ‘Hallucinations’ (if I am allowed to call them so) are ironically considered very important. They symbolize what our subconscious is trying to communicate to us. It is said to be your psyche’s secret language. What you cannot comprehend in your waking life, often translates into dreams. Many a time your subconscious sees things you don’t realize or won’t admit in a conscious state. It tries to warn you of dangers lurking around that you won’t notice in your cognitive state.

Dreams may be silly at times and scary, nightmarish at other times. What is noteworthy is that your dreams mean something and they are trying to tell you something. It is important to note the ‘what’ and ‘why’ of what you dreamt. 

Some dreams may be just a spill out of what you went through during the day. But some may have a deeper association. Depending upon what we see, we may be able to interpret the meaning of a few such visions.

1. Falling/Breaking Teeth

Dreams of your teeth breaking or falling out mean you may be dealing with some loss in your life. Something important to you is at stake. This is particularly symbolic of losing control over a situation. Losing ‘say’ over something. Losing power. Often feeling insecure over a situation or circumstance. Teeth are also, in a way, a symbol of youth and appeal. Loss of it may at times signal your anxiety over losing health or youth or your amorousness. The fear may be realistic or a figment of your imagination, but there is anxiety related to it.

Any major life changes could also trigger such a dream. It is important to note what other emotions you experienced in your dream while losing your teeth.

2. Being Naked

These are dreams where you see yourself naked. With family or friends or in public. While this can be bewildering, it is not as bad. More often, it’s just you who sees yourself as such. It’s important to note what were the ‘others’ in your dream doing. Were they looking at you or just going about their usual business? Did they notice that you were that way? This means that there is something you are concerned will tarnish your image. Somehow the subconscious is aware of this and is projecting it as a dream in your subliminal world. If the people in your dream are going about their regular business (while you are dying in embarrassment), it is just indicative that this is just your imagination.

If they are looking at you or mocking you, then there is reason to be concerned. If they did notice and were helping you, then it’s great as this means you have a supportive circle.  

3. Spotting a Snake/Reptile

There are very few people who aren’t afraid of a reptile, especially snakes. If in your conscious life, you are afraid of reptiles, the spotting of a snake in your dream is about the same too. Snakes represent clear and present danger. It’s important to pay attention to the conduct of the reptile in your dream. Is it harming you? Is it angry and violent? Is it slithering fast or slow? Is it just present and lurking around? Is it in your clear sight or disappears? Answers to all these questions will illustrate what the snake represents. If it is just present there and not harming you, it could mean you perceive some threat or risk and that it needs to be addressed before it starts striking you. If it is staring back at you – reveals that the person or the situation is aware and is consciously trying to do so. 

Even the colour of the reptile has to do with how you feel. If the snake is black or dark-skinned, it represents great danger. Somewhat of a mystery. If it is a lighter shade, then it probably signifies imminent but benign trouble. Pay attention to what you ‘felt’ in the snake’s presence. Who was in your mind at that time? In whose presence or what situation, do you feel similarly in your waking life? This will tell you a great deal about the existing danger that your mind is trying to reveal.

4. Water

Water represents the emotional state of your being. Water, in your dreams, could mean tranquillity or trouble, both. Water is necessary for survival but also destructive if it rages. It matters as to how the water behaved in your dream. Was it clear or murky, little or abundant? Raging or quiet. Were you immersed in it or watching from a distance? Everything matters. Clear but raging water (as in the case of waterfalls) could also mean suppressed sexual tension. Murky or dirty waters mean a deep sense of guilt or trauma – something that you are struggling hard to overcome. 

Drowning or being submerged in water spells trouble – it signifies a situation where you see no hope yet. Just as you gasp for a breath while drowning, similarly you are desperately looking for a solution to your current situation. Something that may be weighing you down. 

5. Free Fall

This is when you see yourself falling into nothingness. You could be seeing yourself as a 3rd person or experiencing the fall with open eyes. Either way, it is frightening. This happens primarily when you feel you are losing control of your life. Your balance in life. When you experience loss of support or feel helpless in a situation, it could translate into dreaming about falls. It could be related to your subconscious warning you about taking too much risk about a recent decision you may have made recently. It is not a divine intervention for sure. Rather your subconscious just playing it out for you, what you already know deep down. 

Image of a girl falling.

What it tells you is about losing ‘ground’ i.e., support and foundation. There is no wonder then that this dream is common to someone recovering from PTSD. 

Dream analysis or Dream interpretation attempts to explain that your dream is not necessarily to be taken at face value. The snake in your dream isn’t a snake. Neither are you going to necessarily spot a snake soon? The dream or the object doesn’t say much about anything. 

Image dreamlike

More often it is to do with what you ‘felt’ while you saw that. It has more to do with what you experienced while you were dreaming. That is where the focus should be. That is what gives you an insight into your issue. While we try to analyze or interpret a dream, we are only trying to understand what is running in our minds. What your subconscious is trying to warn you about? It may be something you already know but are afraid to admit. 

Whether you felt fear while dreaming, insecurity or anxiety, or suppression, that is the real problem. That is where the analyses and the healing should be directed at. So, next time you dream, pay attention to your feelings. Your subconscious is trying to show you something!

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Love Signs And Astrology

/ msveenagupta / 12 Comments

Every now and then… you may come across a believer and a non-believer in occult science. Astrology… is one such exciting science! There have been claims of prophecies coming true and events taking place as ‘predicted’. 

Whether you are a believer or a non-believer, there is always teeny-weeny interest in knowing how the planetary alignments affect a person’s intrinsic nature. My area of admiration has always been how astrology affects compatibility between souls. How the five elements of mother nature orchestrate the mind to ideate the strongest emotion experienced by humankind – Love. 

It is not like the zodiac will pave your way for eternal love. Or will serve you love on a platter because you belong to a certain star sign. It just has to do with the compatibility between two signs and hence more likelihood of love blooming between them. Love or compatibility between zodiac signs has been an interesting study although it has no real science backing it. It is interesting to see how the zodiac affects a person’s basic nature and how two different people get drawn to each other because of that very nature. 

Since astrology can explain your nature, it can also determine your compatibility with the other sun or moon signs to an extent. There are some ‘Star’ matches as also some ‘disaster’ matches according to the science of Astrology. The star compatibility can well be termed ‘Divine’ matches that have proved their prowess more often than not. If you have experienced ‘Love at first Sight’ or ‘Hatred in all its might’, it could well be because of your Zodiac! Let’s look at some of these Divine and stellar compatible zodiacs and why they may be so!

The sign of Cancer belongs to the Water Signs, while Capricorn is essentially the Earth/Land sign. Just as land and water complement each other, so does this match. Cancer is the shy crab. Emotional and intuitive. They are highly sensitive to their surroundings and will instantly pick up changing energies in a room. Draws into its shell at the first signs of trouble. And it takes a lot of effort to bring the crab out of its shell. Capricorn on the other hand is the Horned-goat that climbs up the mountain. 

Capricorns are very practical, very hardworking, visionary and ambitious people. They have a relentless pursuit of their goals in life. Since the Cancer and Capricorn are so vastly different, they end up complementing each other. 

Heard of ‘Opposites attract’? They may well be talking about a Cancer-Capricorn match. The perseverance required to draw out the crab from its shell can only be offered by the relentless Capricorn. And the emotional side of this practical, material world can only be introduced by Cancer to the Capricorn. Just like the land protects water and water nurtures the land, similarly, this is a match that has all the elements of an eternal, everlasting relationship. Sweet, Sincere and amorous.
Pisces. The fish, and Scorpio – the scorpion are both Water Signs. Their innate qualities are very similar. Both are intuitive and emotional to the extent of being schmaltzy. Pisces, essentially, is very sensitive and soulful. Their emotions flow like water and are very protean. Very Spiritual and seldom materialistic. No one is more aware of the temporal qualities of life than a Pisces. Taking a practical decision is particularly hard for them. 

Scorpio on the other hand is an amphibian. It lives on land as well as water. Which makes it adept at living both spiritual and material life simultaneously with ease. Scorpio is spiritual while also being ambitious. They can work hard and party hard. They love the fine things in life. And more so if there’s a personal touch to it. 

Both, the Pisces and the Scorpio are clairvoyant and intuitive to a great extent. This makes their attraction toward each other almost transcendental and psychic. Scorpio derives its strength from the psychic and emotional realm, just like the Pisces and that makes them ‘soul-mates’ forever. Scorpio is determined and direct, which Pisces is not. No one is more loyal than the Pisces, while no one demands more loyalty than the Scorpio – Which makes them the perfect pair.
Leo. The lion is a Fire Sign. And so is Sagittarius – The Archer. This is a ‘House On Fire’ combo in every sense of the word. Sagittarius is unique and brazen. A rare blend of passion, curiosity and intensity. They are seekers – of knowledge and pleasure. Driven by wanderlust, they are not afraid to lose their way and chart their own path. Brutally honest and equally ruthless. Their motto is ‘Go Big, or go Home!’ They seek knowledge and adventure, which makes them so very attractive. Leo is passionate, eccentric, egoistic and egotistic. Full of themselves. ‘They’ are their favourite people on earth. Not a bad thing at all. They love themselves and hence love to self-indulge as well. This also means they are well read and knowledgeable, curious, generous and great entertainers. Leadership comes naturally to them and they like to ‘Rule their Pride’. 

The Sagittarius’s quest for knowledge draws them to the All-knowing Leo! Leo’s grandeur appeals to Sagittarius. Both are passionate and fire-bellied. Conformity is alien to them. They can love and romance with complete abandon. Nothing can bind this fiery combo down or stop them from having a fulfilling, inspiring and whirlwind affair. Caution is only when they can’t tone down their anger. They can literally set the House on FIRE!!
Aquarius. The water bearer, is ironically an Air Sign. And so is Gemini – The Twins. Talk about ‘Love is in the AIR’! Dubbed one of the cleverest of all signs – the Aquarius, is exceptionally intellectual and optimistic. They are the ‘Nurturers’ of the Zodiac. Somewhat of a perfectionist, they seek sovereignty and authenticity. ‘Nothing but the best’ is what they expect and hence become quite a loner. Often misjudged as ‘difficult’, they seldom have a huge friend circle. Melancholy is their ally. 

Gemini on the other hand is easy-going and adaptable. They easily blend in any situation. Extremely enthusiastic and extroverted. They are the ‘Social beings’ of the zodiac. They love to party and have massive social circles. Intelligent but indecisive and very very impulsive. Everything in their life is a ‘spur of the moment’ decision. They could be raging angry with you one minute, and forget about it the next. They can even forget what made them angry in the first place. There’s never a dull moment with a Gemini. 

Intelligence and Individuality bring the Aquarius and Gemini together. Gemini’s dual nature makes it indecisive. It needs direction and nurturing which is Aquarius’s USP. Gemini’s social skills draw the Aquarius out of their solitude and enjoy the sunlight. Gemini, being the social butterfly, douses Aquarius’s monotony and brings fun and frolic. Aquarius on the other hand brings sense and sensibilities to Gemini. Together they balance each other out like yin and yang. 

There are many other compatible matches for sure and this definitely cannot be an exhaustive list. Compatibility cannot be defined and governed by astrology alone. There are many other factors that affect our perceptions of love. Just as there are divine matches, there are astrological disasters…and exceptions to the rule too!

Whatever you choose to believe, love does move mountains……sun, moon and planets too.

Love, they say, is Blind. I say it could be Astral too ! 

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Helicopter

/ msveenagupta / 1 Comment

I am on my way home. I call my friend for a quick coffee. His father answers the phone and says he cannot come over now as it will be dinner time soon and if he has coffee now, he won’t have dinner properly. FAIR. I recede.

Just a little weird as we both are in our FORTIES!

He is a senior management staff in a finance enterprise. Owns a car(but cannot drive) and two houses (bought with his money but not in his name). Also not married and has no children – not that he didn’t find a soulmate, but because his Father did not ‘approve’ of any match!

OUCH! 

The poor soul cannot make his own decisions, not as big as getting married to a woman of his choice. Not even as small as learning to drive a car or ride a 2-wheeler. He is not allowed to make decisions in his life. All of them taken on his behalf, by his father!

Welcome to Helicopter Parenting!

Helicopter parents are those who control their kids’ activities with an iron hand. They control every aspect of their kids’ lives. Probably to protect them from pain/disappointment or in the hope to push them to succeed. Their careers, personal lives, choice of friends, social activities they should/shouldn’t get involved in – everything is ‘decided’ by such a Parent. 

It is like having a Helicopter hovering over your head all day long. Hence the name. Is it good or is it bad then?

Maybe good !!! ???

You have ‘support’ for EVERYTHING. All your work is done by someone else. Even the thinking! Imagine, all you have to do in a day is just laze around. You (probably) have to work enough (read earn enough) to just get by. Everything is ready-made for you and served on a platter. You don’t even have to think (or prepare) what you are wearing to work tomorrow! It is all decided, washed, ironed, and ready for you. Food packed. Bag ready. Shoes shined. All Ready to go. Have you got an event coming up? No problem; all the planning, organizing, and execution is all done. All you got to do is be physically present at the venue. Just be the ‘face’ in the forefront. Everything else is done and dusted. You have a problem with your friend, this parent even fights that battle for you. You don’t have to move a muscle. Just like the Princes and the Kings of olden times. Just walk into your ‘Darbar’!

Sounds like a dream, doesn’t it? Ummmmm………

The flip side though.

You cannot make a single decision in your life without consulting this Parent! Not even choosing your friends, your clothes, not even your hairstyle. Your entire life is (apparently) devoid of any problems. No challenges. And therefore, no problem-solving skills too. No people skills. No management skills. No social skills.

To understand this better, let’s go back to our Man. 

This person is so over-protected, that he has no life skills. He cannot drive(coz his father thinks, he can meet with an accident), cannot cook (coz food is ready for him always), cannot file his taxes (his Father does it for him), and doesn’t have the faintest idea how inflation works (are you kidding me?) He doesn’t even know how much he saves in a month (his father manages his money)…….knowing how inflation affects his savings is a LOOOOOOOOOONNNGG SHOT. 

He even seeks his father’s approval to go for an outing with his friends. Once I happened to ask him if he wore the shirt I gifted him on his birthday. He replied he will have to ask his father if he wore the shirt (coz he doesn’t even have to remember that, his father does the ‘remembering’ for him!) Cannot get married to the love of his life, as his father wants ‘a fair-skinned daughter-in-law (pretty cheeky I tell you)!

Look, I get it. As a parent, you want to shield your child from the evil forces of the world. But this? Protecting your child is one thing, over-protection is toxic, but this level of Helicopter parenting is downright Criminal!! You are robbing a person of his right to freedom.

In my belief, every human being was born to be different. Unique. Every person has qualities the other does not. By forcing your beliefs onto him, you are snatching away his right to be unique. To be Human. We experience different things and that makes us so unique in our ways. But what happens if you have not experienced anything in life at all? No experience = No personality. 

In a bid to protect your child (or any loved one) from pain and disappointment, you are denying them the opportunity to fail as a human. To face that failure, to build resilience, overcome that, and in the bargain, Grow emotionally. You have denied them the opportunity to develop people skills, to experience and tell the difference between good and bad company. To choose the right people around him/her. To even basic etiquettes of knowing when to talk, when to stop, what to fight for and what to accept undisputedly. By making all the decisions in your child’s life you are taking away his power of ‘Thinking’. Your child cannot think on his own, let alone know how to dress well and talk well. 

The worst part of this all is for you to think about what happens to your child after you are gone? Your child gets to be the most dysfunctional personality around. With no idea how to cook, clean, drive, take decisions or stand by their decisions. In the attempt to protect him from the bad, you have made him worse. You have set him up for a PERSONAL APOCALYPSE!

There is nothing you can do for them after you are gone. So act now, change now, and let the child be. Let them make mistakes, let them fall. I know it hurts like hell to see your child in pain, but understand that they need to undergo this to emerge victorious on the other side. Remember the caterpillar? It needs to go through the cruel process of tearing out of its skin to emerge as a beautiful butterfly! 

That’s how they learn to pick up after a failure. How to rise after a fall. Learn from the hurt and pick up the pieces of life. Your role as a parent is not to ensure the absence of pain……but to teach them to SMILE,COPE AND LEARN FROM THE MISTAKES, DESPITE the Pain!

Broken Homes

/ msveenagupta / 3 Comments

Where do you go when your house… isn’t ‘Home’?

It’s a long day at work. My office time ends at 6 pm. The drop service bus back home leaves in 15 minutes. The next one is at 7.30 pm. Everyone rushes up to catch the earliest bus. I too pack my bags quickly and leave. I don’t want to be noticed as the one who wants to score extra brownie points by pretending to work overtime. So, I quickly pack and exit. 

I want to take the 7.30 pm service. So, I leave the office and head for the cafeteria, find an indiscernible corner and settle down. For the next hour and a half, all I do is stare blankly into the empty sky. This has been my routine for 2 years now. Occasionally I meet someone I know and lie through my teeth that I missed the earlier bus and have no choice but to wait for the next one!

I always take the last bus back home. By the time I reach home, it’s almost dinner time. I know the entire drill after reaching home. So, I drag my feet throughout my journey and reach my door with a heavy heart. I stand there for a long time…. long-long time. Staring blankly at the door. Hoping it never opens and I do not have to walk in. I do not ring the bell. NEVER. Not until someone notices and gives me some skeptical looks, and I have no choice left. I simply do not want to go home. 

This is very unlike other people, friends, colleagues, strangers, or anyone I know, who are already home, mentally, even before lunchtime! They keep thinking and talking of things they will be doing once they reach home, or that they have something special for dinner. They look forward to it. But not me. I DREAD going home. Every. Single. Day.

Why?

Mine is a Broken Home!

Not in a way you would perceive though. Common perception defines a Broken home as a family in which the parents are divorced or separated. I Beg to Differ. Why should a mere separation decreed on a piece of paper be allowed to define the status of a family? How can that be an adjective to define a person from that family? My parents aren’t divorced, nor are they separated. Yet I define my home as Broken. 

Broken homes are not the families that are separated or divorced. We live in the 21st century. We have seen families which are functional and pragmatic. They are divided only into a physical or geographical stratum. But when it comes to uniting and working as a family, they function as ONE. You can live afar and yet be close at heart. It’s all mental.  

Broken homes are also not ‘Broke’ homes. Lack of money can render you broke, but not broken. Money or physical proximity can never define a home. 

A Broken Home is a place where the people living there are broken. They are broken at heart, in mind, and soul! They are broken because there is life missing there. They are broken for want of Compassion! Many families I know, including mine, look completely functional – working, cooking, schooling, activities, and more. Despite they are missing that very connection at heart. They function rather mechanically. Doing what they are ‘supposed’ to do. Work by the Clock! Activities are scheduled by the hours and minutes. Eat, sleep and work as per the time scheduled. Even laugh and cry only if there is time scheduled on the agenda for that! Unfortunately, there isn’t. Emotions don’t flow at a scheduled time! They cannot.

Modern-day societies have given rise to more Nuclear families, smaller ones, and sometimes single-parent families too. Which makes it even more important to connect in mind and soul. I have witnessed so many homes where members of the family don’t know each other’s hobbies, interests, and aspirations. They never ask each other about their goals, their failures, or even anything trivial. On the contrary, there is jealousy, competition, mockery, ridicule, and sometimes even bullying! A home where people live off each other instead of living with each other. The care, the respect, and the love is missing. This is what I call a ‘Broken Home’

What then, is a HOME?

A home should be a place where you can sing for no rhyme or reason. Hug each other for no reason. Where you can play pranks around your people. Laugh for no reason and most importantly be able to CRY for no reason and without the fear of being judged! Where you can share your belongings, your food, your finances, and your life. It should be a place where you can drop all your guards, be the real you, and set your bare soul free. Where people around you can tell the difference in your moods. Where they can sense the shift in energy and vibe in you. And where they look concerned about this. And all this is mutual and voluntary. If you have all this burning and keeping your heart warm, that my friend, is a Home. 

Even if there is just one such person whose face turns worried seeing you in pain, that one person is HOME. Sadly enough, and more often we find such people in our friends than in our houses. It takes effort to build a Home, just as it does to build a house. There’s a lot of labour involved. Labour of Love. And it is required from more people than one. A place where someone cares if you had a bad day. A place where dinner time is about learning about each other’s victories and challenges of the day. Where you talk about what chipper things happened in your day. A place where people talk about ideas and not ‘other people’. 

That, my friend, is what I call HOME! 

Is your house ‘Home?’ 

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