From being called glorified babysitters and labeled as not earning an income, there are some myths. How wrong are these misconceptions about Stay-At-Home Dads, AKA SAHDs? 

Surprisingly I am not the first stay-at-home dad, and I won’t be the last. However, this time has been nothing short of a fantastic experience. But, to tell you the fact, it has had some, let’s call them, unpleasant conversations and unwanted advice from friends and family. 

I do not mean my immediate family or in-laws when I say, family. I mean the nosy know-it-all aunties and uncles who like to carry out investigations that will make special units blush. Then comes their opinions and advice that no one asked for in the first place. But before we digress, let us knock out the myths, state some truths, and tell some simple facts about the stay-at-home dad club. Yes, I said club! That is because we are simply the cool gang! LOL.

1. All stay-at-home dads are unemployed 

Fact: Most stay-at-home dads are employed and choose to do so to support their partners.

In many cases, this eliminates the need for a nanny or caretaker for your little one. It also allows the child to grow with one parent at all times. Surprisingly, this also allows each parent time with their tiny tot! Bonding is at its highest, and both parents and child/ children have a super time.

2. Stay-at-home dads are lazy 

Fact: Many stay-at-home dads, myself included, have tons to do for the little ones around the day.

For example, if the baby is younger, the whole routine is based on when the baby is up, fed, burped, tummy time, playtime, and bath time. Do you see where this is going? Any parent, whether mom or dad, is not having a siesta. It is fun, but it is not walk-in-the-park stuff. The time and personal investment in raising a little one at home is full-time work.

3. Stay-at-home dads are not man enough

Fact: They are men enough to allow their wives to have a professional life. Surprisingly this is from my viewpoint. We are!

I mean to have the courage to take care of your child, go to the gym, hold a job, cook, and clean for your little angel. It is not a woman’s role. It is a shared responsibility; if your work environment allows it, I say do it. Times have changed; wives, AKA mommies, also have jobs and careers. So be supportive, and enable and empower them to shine at their workplace.

4. Stay-at-home dads won’t have time to work and have their own life

Fact – I have been a stay-at-home dad for over two years, and I have enough and more time to do what I need to, when I need to, thanks to having a unique and supportive partner. Life has been more fun this way.

Stay-at-home dads, and let me add, moms are superheroes, especially if they hold jobs. Working from home is not easy, it is not convenient, and it is emotionally more challenging than working from the office. But it is possible. It is fascinating that all this became even more acceptable to corporates after the terrible pandemic. The good from it rewrote our understanding of how the world functions. 

As a stay-at-home and work-from-home dad, I never thought I had it in me to hold a full-time career as a consultant, caregiver/ dad, and partner to my wife. It is very tiring and testing at times. There are terrific days, and there are meh days. The good and the not-so-good. But it has been worth every minute of it. Paradigms have shifted. We quickly know how to hand over our kid without blaming or passing the parcel. It has become our little one’s routine to look for Baba in the mornings and Mama in the evenings for his support, comfort, and plain old security feeling. Watching this fascinating little human grow, we are encountering milestones. We are not missing out on life. The ultimate truth is we are taking advantage of a lot. Best of all, we are first-hand witnesses to the process and progress called life!

Follow Ignatius Deepak Stanley

The simple truth. Children are the casualties of divorce. Almost always. Divided between having two parents and the separated lifestyles of their parents. Co-parenting is typically one of the trickiest problems divorced parents overlook in a brand-new, untested relationship. 

Regarding the parents, they could deal with sentiments of rivalry, annoyance, and miscommunication. Furthermore, they intended to avoid co-parenting in two separate residences when they decided to have children – the barriers to co-parenting spread to every aspect of the relationship.

And yet, after a divorce, parents and kids frequently adjust to the new situation and manage to co-parent successfully. Whether the parents share parenting time or each has sole custody, being prepared and trying to put the kids’ best interests first can help them work together in a more friendly and productive way. Here are few tips.

1. Communication is the Key 

Poor communication is a significant factor in the breakdown of many marriages, which is why divorced parents frequently have difficulty communicating effectively. Co-parents must develop far more straightforward and effective communication techniques and patterns for the benefit of the children. They must communicate with one another through a variety of means, including face-to-face interactions, phone calls, emails, and texts.

2. Documents are Essentials

The difficulty of co-parenting frequently results in additional legal action. Every encounter between fathers and mother must be recorded, including the date, time, topic of the conversation, and a list of any additional witnesses. Maintaining accurate records promptly promotes honesty and accountability among all parties.

3. Maintain a Consistent and Regular Schedule

Children crave stability and become worried when things don’t go as expected. Therefore, co-parents must put forth the extra effort to maintain realistic and reliable schedules. If dad has the kids on Wednesday evenings and every other weekend, the children’s schedule comes first. Suppose one cannot avoid disagreements; attempt to resolve them as early as possible so everyone can make plans. The less worried the kids are when both parents stick to the plan, the better. 

4. Dispute Privately

Parents often have diverse parenting philosophies, so you might occasionally or more frequently disagree with how the other parent is raising the children. Deal with such a quarrel privately, away from the children, if you have one. The children will feel safer if they perceive their parents as caring and devoted to them and one another. Avoid involving the children in your arguments or using them to hurt the other parent.

5. Prepare for Brief and Pleasant Exchange

Make the meeting between mom and dad to drop off or pick up the kids as quick and unimportant as you can. At the time of the transaction, avoid any drama. Don’t, for instance, take your new girlfriend with you when you pick up or drop off the children. Save talking to Mom about a delicate subject for a later time.

6. Don’t expect your ex to follow your rules.

You might have a few unbreakable home rules, such as a strict bedtime of 8 p.m., a ban on fast food, and a daily screen time limit of one hour. But, on the other hand, your ex might allow them to stay up late watching movies and take the kids to McDonald’s. Try to let it go because you can’t expect your co-parent to uphold the same standards that you do. But do attempt to reach a consensus on essential principles, such as religious practice or a prohibition on violent television, by sitting down together.

7. Make and adhere to a parenting plan.

A parenting plan that the courts have approved is used by many parents who have custody agreements. If you have a formal plan like that, stick strictly to it used by many parents with custody agreements. If you have a formal plan like that, adhere strictly to it. If not, make one on your own after careful consideration and cooperation so that you and your ex-spouse know what to anticipate from the co-parenting agreement. If complex topics are discussed ahead of time, it can significantly affect how co-parenting works. 

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Have you ever been so terrified of failing at anything that you chose not to attempt it? Or the thought of failure has caused you to unconsciously sabotage your efforts in the past so that you might avoid the prospect of a more significant setback.

It is something that undoubtedly happened to a good many of us at some point in our lives. The fear of failing may be paralyzing; it can make us do nothing, preventing us from moving forward. But if we give in to our fears and allow them to halt our forward movement in life, we will pass up some fantastic opportunities along the way.

This essay will discuss the fear of failure, including what failure is, what causes it, and how to overpower it so you can experience genuine triumph in your professional and personal lives.

What Gives People Fear of Failure?

We all define failure differently simply because we all have different standards, ideals, and worldviews. So push through your apprehension of failing and continue to work toward your objectives. Easier said than done! Right.

Many of us, at least periodically, are terrified of failure. However, fear of failure epitomizes when we allow it to prevent us from taking action that will help us advance toward our goals. Numerous factors might contribute to the fear of defeat. For some people, having critical or unsupportive parents is a contributing factor. They carry the negative feelings they experienced as children into adulthood because they were frequently undercut or made to feel inferior.

A distressing experience that happened to you can also be a contributing factor. Say, for instance, you gave a crucial presentation in front of a sizable audience a few years ago and performed horribly. The experience was so dreadful that you feared failing in later endeavors. And even now, years later, you still harbour that anxiety.

How You React to Failure Fear

If you have a fear of failing at anything, you might suffer from one or more of the following symptoms or even all of them:

• Unwillingness to engage in challenging activities or to try new things, often known as “risk aversion,”
• Self-sabotage can take many forms, such as putting things off until later, experiencing extreme worry, or not following through with plans.
• Low self-esteem and self-confidence, as seen by the frequent use of negative phrases such as “I’ll never be good enough to receive that promotion” and “I’m not smart enough to get on that team.”

What Is the Definition of Failure?

It is improbable that a person will make it through their entire life without falling short of their goals in some way. People who do this probably conduct their lives so guardedly that they never venture anywhere. To put it another way, they are not alive at all in any sense.

The good thing about failure is that we choose how we want to look at it. So it gives us a lot of freedom. 

Failure can be interpreted in two ways: either as “the end of the world” or as evidence that we are not good enough. On the other hand, we may view failure as the tremendous educational opportunity that it frequently is. Failure is a learning curve.

When we are unsuccessful at something, we always have the option of looking for the lesson we should learn from the experience. These are valuable lessons since they allow us to develop as individuals and ensure that we do not repeat the same errors in the future. Failures are only able to stop us if we allow them to.

Just think about all the chances you’ll pass up if you give in to your insecurities and give up. In addition, failure can teach us something about ourselves that we would not have been able to discover in any other way. For instance, making mistakes is one of the best ways to figure out how strong a person you are.

Failing at anything might help you find your most genuine friends or lead you to unexpected sources of encouragement to succeed. Both of these can be beneficial. However, in many cases, gaining valuable insights requires experiencing some defeat. Therefore, understanding how to take in new information and grow as a result is essential to having a successful life.

Understanding that failure is always possible in anything we attempt is critical. So, in addition to being courageous, taking that opportunity and running with it provides us with a more prosperous, fulfilling existence.

Here are a few strategies to lessen the anxiety of failing:

• Because you are afraid of the unknown, many people struggle with the fear of failure. By carefully weighing all of the possible outcomes of your choice, you may overcome that anxiety.
• Thinking positively. It is a very effective strategy for overcoming self-sabotage and boosting self-esteem.
• In certain circumstances, the worst-case scenario can be devastating, making the fear of failure reasonable. Recognizing that this worst-case scenario may not always be the case can be helpful.
• Having a “Plan B” in place will boost your confidence in taking action if you’re worried about failing at anything.

How to Stop Fearing Everything

Setting goals could make you feel uneasy if you suffer from a fear of falling short of them. But setting objectives helps us define the direction we want our lives to take. Our destination will only be confident if we have goals.

The practice of visualizing one’s success is one that numerous authorities endorse as an effective method for goal setting. Imagining how different your life will be once you’ve accomplished your objective can be a powerful incentive to keep you moving in the right direction.

On the other hand, people who fear failing could find that visualizing adverse outcomes has the opposite results. For example, after being asked to picture setting objectives and achieving those goals, research has shown that those with a fear of failing are frequently left in a terrible mood.

What other options do you have available to you?

To get started, select a few manageable objectives. These ought to be goals that present moderate difficulty but are possible. Consider achieving these objectives as “early wins” to strengthen your confidence.

Make an effort to make your ambitions more manageable by taking baby steps toward more ambitious goals. Taking things one step at a time will make you feel more confident, keep you toward your objective, and prevent you from becoming overwhelmed by thoughts of the accomplishment you want to achieve.

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What is friendship in a kid’s life? I bet you can name your first friend without missing a beat! Not just any friend but the very first one. If you can’t, it’s OK to take a moment and think back. Take a simple stroll back in time, and you will suddenly remember that friend as you walk through events and timelines. So what was it about this friend that seemed unique or stood out? I am sure you fondly remember the adventures, escapades, great fun, and everything between those times. 

Whatever your age, I am sure you have always had the few you could always count on that were not your immediate family. Instead, you are blessed with what we know as friends who become family! 

Kids have a simple formula to make friends. They seek those that match their wavelength and bond. As tiny tots, they don’t have hidden agendas to make or have friends. They know that so and so is my friend and if you ask them why the most probable answer is “simply because!” So before judging these innocent souls, remember you once were just like them. 

As I write this, I realize I have lost some of these friends along life’s journey. Strangely, we were supposed to be BBFs (Best Friends Forever). Somehow, those friends are now nothing but a whisp of a memory. But one thing is sure. The lessons I learned being around them helped me make better friends and forge better relationships as I progressed in life.

“Show me your friends, and I will tell you who you are,” ever heard this line? This world has much more good than we care to admit. I say this simply because I have some of the best friends in the world. I also say this because I know they (these friends) and I would give our lives for each other. I have known several of them for many years now. 

What would a child need to make or have this kind of quality friends?

1. Communication 

2. Networking Skills 101

3. To have a friend, you got to be a friend

It is also essential to keep track of how your child is behaving. They learn a lot by observing and are still in the process of finding themselves. In their younger years, you have nothing to worry about. They are just chilling with their clique. As they grow older, they keep track of what’s going on in their lives. You do not want to wake up one day to a strange teenager in your kitchen eating all your food and running wild. You knew one as a sweet child, but it has changed due to neglectful parenting. As a parent, you must know who your child is connected with or hangs out with. Remember, the child is not trying to rebel or prove a point at a young age. 

However, as they grow, you will need to be sure they are running in the right groups or hanging out with a good crowd. Do not ever take it easy and then blame your child, later on, saying, “I did not want to interfere.” Also, please do just what is necessary. Know their friends and keep an eye as a loving parent should. Have the friends come over for a game day, for a meal, and if possible, get their parents over just for a get-to-know-you meeting/ meal/ tea. Whatever you do for your child’s safety, do it from a space of love, concern, and care. And do this FROM A DISTANCE. Then, your child will be just fine.

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Life is uncertain and ever-changing. We all tend to get lost in the monotonous routine of every day and somehow lose our identity and love for anything adventurous. We almost give into the drill and forget the essence of living life to the fullest. Yes, work is essential. Yes, kids are important. Yes, spending time at home and doing our duties is necessary. But, what is more important is to make sure that we are ourselves the whole time – what we used to be when we laughed freely, what we used to be when we traveled without second thoughts, and what we used to be when we lived life our way!

Somewhere, most often than not, men and women equally lose touch with what used to be before all these so-called responsibilities, and mundane rituals came into being. How effortless it used to be to self-love, self-indulge, and be a little selfish!

While it is important to stay rooted and grounded, it is also necessary to let loose and be free once in a while. If a partner can understand and participate in this holistic approach to life, there is nothing like it: if not, it is outstanding to wave off, take a break, and spice it up ourselves.

Breathe – it is not that hard! Taking a day off, listening to good music, shaming a leg, writing a journal, reading a book or two, and being away from the routine can be a start. This has more positive effects than one can imagine! Thinking outside the box, doing things differently, and enjoying what we do, are all ways to revitalize and rejuvenate our inner selves. The idea is to avoid getting bored of ourselves – which is more often the case with many individuals though they might choose to disagree.

Being a little selfish is healthy – for our mental health! But on the other hand, being greedy, prioritising self-love, and honouring peace and mental satisfaction are necessary for us. This will help us maintain a healthy life outside of who we are and help us be better spouses, better parents, better friends, better colleagues, and better us, to put it straight!

There are other exciting ways to heal ourselves and focus on bettering ourselves. Get out into nature, smile and laugh more often, take charge of our routine lives, and always have something fun and exciting to do apart from loving what we do regularly. Taking more pictures, being more relevant and in the scene, recording instances, keeping memories fresh, replaying and reliving happy moments, zoning out once in a while, fantasizing about life, dreaming big and living life entirely can also help with spicing up things and keeping life happening!

Days are not coming back, and they are not stopping for us to lay back. Time is flying, and so are we aging; there is so much more to life than just being us! However, exploring and encountering outside of our comfort zone will never lead us to regret – they will create memories that we can relive a thousand times, and it is worth it!

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Life has never been easy on anyone. On the contrary, anyone who even seems like they had it easy – has had it extremely difficult. Trust me on that. Life is not a smooth ride for any rider, and it has always been a bumpy ride riddled with potholes, sharp turns, flat tyres, bad roads, and No roads at times!

But as Paulo Coelho puts it, ‘Straight roads do not make skilful drivers,’ similarly, easy life never made happy people! All the happy people you see out there; who look like they have everything under control; have had to overcome some of the most challenging tests until now, i.e., Having Difficult Conversations.

Whether you are in a relationship and feel the need to move past it, communicating this to the other half, who is still invested in the relationship, is a difficult conversation. Or, it would help if you told an employee that they need to resign…is a difficult conversation. Or you must deny a request to lend your money to a friend…is a difficult conversation. Or demanding your rightful share in a property or reasonable dues at the workplace, especially when people are not being fair…is going to be a difficult conversation. Or sometimes something as trivial as asking your friends and relatives to pay for your professional services, which they feel you offered to them as goodwill, is also a difficult conversation.

These are those times when life puts you at a crossroads, and you must choose one road to advance. What makes it more complicated is that you must choose the road without full knowledge of what lies ahead, of what that path brings you. It is sometimes a blind choice, a leap of faith, or even a gamble. But it would help if you still made that decision. 

Why is it Difficult!!!

These conversations may feel normal for some but extremely difficult for others. What makes it difficult is the realisation of ‘What is at stake!’ What may be at stake is what makes it challenging to make such a decision and what makes it difficult to communicate this to the other person. 

It’s probably a considerable amount of money involved or probably something more inestimable – Emotions, feelings, self-worth, hurt, and pain!

You probably know what the other person may go through post what will be said. You also know how much s/he may have invested personally, monetarily, and emotionally all this while. Therefore you understand that the amount of hurt and pain it will cause them is unfathomable. Probably for the same reason you have waited on the sidelines and endured what has been going on for a while. Probably you have chosen to keep quiet about it and brush it under the carpet for a long time now, ‘just to keep the peace.’ It might be little things that have added up or bigger let-downs that happened over time. Or it is probably what will follow after the rude surprise that will be too emotionally heavy that you cannot deal with, so you have continued to bear that in silence.

Whatever the case may be, one thing is for sure – it is getting heavier by the day, getting increasingly difficult to keep up with the chagrin. 

Why must we still make those decisions!!! 

Your decision to be quiet about the issue to keep the peace is probably not working in the long run. The more you decide to ignore it, the more intensely it backfires. It has become that wet brick you have been holding for way too long that has now started to get heavier and heavier, and you know you must put it down to stop the discomfort. 

Talking about the issue is challenging, but you must do it to unload yourself. It is precisely when you feel like you don’t want to talk about it – it IS when you MUST talk about it. 

If not now, it will only get more and more difficult later and may come out at an unwarranted time over an unnecessary issue and at a needless place. Times when you feel you have no choice but to do it, but still don’t want to do it – is when it is the most important to do it!

Keep in mind

Now that you eventually muster up the courage to talk remember it will not be accessible by any means. It will not be easy for anyone and may change the order of things forever. Therefore, there may be some essential things you must realize and remember.

First and foremost, be honest about why you want this conversation and what you want out of this. If the goal of your discussion is proving yourself right and putting the other person down, you might as well drop the conversation altogether.

Next, always remember that the other person deserves as much respect and dignity as they held while things were hunky-dory between you both. Just because things are falling apart does not give you the right to strip them of their respect and dignity due to feeling wronged!

Then, be ready for a NO! This is probably something that most of us find challenging to deal with… A Rejection. A denial. A Failure. But this is where you need to remind yourself, time and again, that the other person does reserve the right to say No. And that you must respect that as much as you would respect an agreement to your terms. Be prepared to hear a ‘No’ and plan your response if the outcome is not in your favour. 

In addition, avoid any urge to get even, score over them, put them down, hurt them or resort to blaming. Remember you shared a good part of your life with them. They are there in your life for a reason, and respect that reason. Just because things may not be going the way you imagined them does not give you the right to be mean to them. 

Additionally, avoid Sarcasm, belittling, personal remarks, and manipulating the situation to make your demand look justified.

And last but not least, focus on the situation. Approach them with sensitivity and take care not to mock them. Keep it private and genuine. Be objective and fair to both of you. Remember, you are dealing with a Human whom you shared a part of your life with, and they deserve better treatment. Be empathetic and see the other person’s point of view as well – because this probably came out of nowhere for them. They weren’t even expecting this. Allow them time to come to terms with it, sink, and sulk. Allow them space to process what’s happening and have the maturity not to dictate how they ‘should’ be feeling according to your plan! 

Remember, difficult conversations will always be difficult until you make them challenging. But your job resumes after the dialogue. The person at the other end might require help coming to terms with it. So give Closure where necessary – the other person deserves it. And do check on them to see if they are OK and if they are OK with you checking. That’s it!

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Here’s a thought for the weekend. ‘What must-do tasks should every household aim for kids to do?’

We all have had or still have chores to be done at home. Unless we have help at home. At some point, we had to clean and arrange something at home. Sometimes even cooking or meal prep had to be done. Some of us love doing them sometimes, and others dislike doing chores.

That said, it is essential to teach children to be self-dependent. One of the ways to do this is to instill in them a sense of responsibility and accountability from a young age. Now you can have them as demanding tasks and make them as dull and life-sucking as you can. OR….. You can make it amusing and inclusive. Making anything into an adventure or fun for kids has fantastic, immediate, and long-term results.

Setting up our little stars to become chore champions

Classifying tasks by child’s age and capabilities 

Here is a list of everyday chores, and I encourage you to set them and segregate them based on your child’s age and handling capacity. 

1. Taking out the trash

2. Making their bed

3. Helping set the table at meal times

4. Help mum or dad make packed meals when needed

5. Mowing the lawn

6. Watering plants in the home garden

7. Taking care of their pets

8. Cleaning their room or study spaces after use

9. Putting their toys away

10. Cleaning up after meals

11. Washing dishes after each meal and keeping them back in its place after finishing each meal when at home

12. Washing the family car

13. Helping mum or dad with the laundry

14. Folding clothes and keeping the wardrobe neat.

The list can go on and on. These are a few examples that I could think of, but there are many more. Now, if you look at what I have listed, you will see most of them can be done by children between the ages of 5 to 18. Why did I say five and not 4? Because you start teaching them from 18 months and keep at it till they are five years old. As mentioned, ensure the chores have a light-sided approach but with a life-skill type of learning. Children learn and grow to become what their parents prepare them. Teach them reasonably. They will turn out well!

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