The Interference

My dear friend asked me for a Divorce Attorney’s number. Within minutes, I put all my social machinery into force to look for a number to help her. I did pass all the numbers I could find. Finally, she settled from the many and planned her visit to the lawyer. 

It wasn’t supposed to sound routine! What surprised me, though that I wasn’t surprised at her request. I almost knew it was coming! It kept me awake. It sent me pondering what the driving force behind her choice is. What forced her to make this choice at this stage! Slowly but surely?

All was not downhill with her husband and their relationship. What strained her bond then? Was it relatives, her family members, in-laws, maybe not, maybe !!?? 

YES! All of them. These were the very people who we consider the ‘support system’ of the sacred institution called ‘Marriage.’ This support system is presumed to insulate you from the daily wear and tear of the relationship and the occasional earth-shattering problems a couple faces in modern-day society. 

The problem HERE was ‘they were DOING WELL’!! 

They were doing well for themselves in terms of Finances, housing, savings, travel, and many other facts…… More than Roti, Kapda, and Makaan!!! (food, clothing, and shelter) And not just for themselves. Their hard work was helping people related to them too, aka the ‘support system.’ Then, what was the problem? 

The problem was Interference. 

Before you jump to conclusions, let me clarify. I live in a joint family and am totally in favour of it. However, a home on the verge of breaking pinches my heart as much as it pinches yours…. BUT….coming back to our situation… 

The Interference was in everything they were doing. RIGHT! Even if it meant going to a movie together as a couple, requiring some ‘us’ time, or watching a late-night movie locked up in their bedroom. Or going for a morning walk together…. Everything was laden with interference and pressure. 

Pressure to keep the ego of the ‘elders’ of the house swelling. It was almost like, ‘How dare you guys have an easy-going relationship while we are still nursing our fragile and bigger-than-the-planet EGOs’!! Similar to our corporate bosses who get wounded if a junior has an easy life. HOW DARE YOU!! 

The dictation of terms saturated every aspect of their life as a couple. Including what clothes to wear, what to cook, and every decision of the couple’s personal lives. Why would that be, you ask? Oh! That was because they were the youngest in the household. So, all the ‘bosses’ of the house could not digest that someone could achieve more than they could and sooner than they could. It is almost like… Do good in life but not better than us!

Cut to the present day; they are looking for a divorce: lousy word, but probably better life than what they currently share. What surprises me most here is that all these fiends – family members, in-laws, ‘elders’ of the house – are now Non-Existent!! They leave it to the couple to decide since ‘it is their life, you see?’ They choose to graciously step aside and let the couple do what they decide to do…. ‘Dono adults hain, apna bhala bura khud soch sakte hain, right? Hum Kaise interfere karenge?’ (Both are adults, they know what’s good and foul, who are we to interfere? )

Well, Yes!!! This stepping aside graciously was needed and required absolutely. However, it is too late for the couple. Not now. It was mandated when they had a good life and wanted that peace and privacy while building the foundation of their marriage – needed when they tried to go to a movie and, when they wanted to go for a walk, when they tried to sleep late, when they wanted to go for a drive by themselves and when they wanted a support system to help them with their kids and pets. When they wanted personal space and when they wanted PEACE! That. My friend. That is where you need to graciously tame your bruised egos and step aside and let love bloom! 

And No. It would be best if you did not step aside graciously now. Now is the time for Interference. The ‘Positive’ Interference! Now is the time you SHOULD intervene. Try and know the story from both parties, separately and jointly. Try and iron out the differences. Show them that there may be hope. Show them that love can bloom again. Show them that all is not lost! Now. 

My Friend. Now is the time to I-N-T-E-R-F-E-R-E.

Interfere, not when things are going well. Meddle, instead, when things are going awry. Reach out, enquire… How can this mess be sorted? What was supposed to be done was to let them be, leave them alone when things were hunky-dory and check when things were going wrong. Never the other way round!

Why would you have it the other way around? It sounds insane but is as insanely widely present. Almost ubiquitous. Why does this even sound so familiar? We all know this is wrong, yet we all have gone through this in some form. Why are we doing this, then?

Had the Interference been absent when things were going well, the NEED for Interference would never arise now. Just a slight change in approach would have changed so much. In a way, saved lives from pain, mental trauma, and separation. 

Some would say Interference is terrible. But I beg to differ. I am all for Interference, but at the right time and the Right Kind! The ‘Positive’ Interference.

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