This piece of script is something that we have all spoken to ourselves. Something we have all grown up believing in some way or the other. We have all experienced, despite being the bright, sexy, scholarly, open, competent, intelligent smart woman many have come across! It’s alright. As long as you know who you are, where you are from, and where you are headed; your purpose, your calling, your belief, whatever it may be, you are good to go!
It’s time to pause and ponder on the various things life has shown us and how we’ve evolved as women, individuals, and human beings at large! Being human has its share of insecurities, and it is up to us how we come right through.
So let’s start by saying: “To me, I am my master…”
I hope you appreciate reading and connecting to how my life has been as a girl who has grown up to be a woman, a writer, a partner, a better daughter, a better sister, a mom, and a better individual. I hope this helps you recollect some of the thoughts you have also grown up believing/being and understand that no matter who says/does what, you are you, and that’s ALL that matters!
So here I start…
I am who I chose to be and I have no regrets whatsoever. I have grown up hearing things that were far beyond my understanding, far beyond what I ever wanted to be. I am caught up in the web of what the world calls “right,” “perfect”. This is how a girl must be “well mannered, not swearing, not laughing too loud, not doing the things she feels is what she wants to do.
I was constantly told that ‘I am fat’ AND fat is ugly.
I was constantly told that ‘those kinds of clothes were meant for the leaner girls’.
I was constantly told that ‘I will be judged by the size of my jeans’.
I was constantly told that ‘I should not speak to the opposite gender’ and as I did not, I was bullied and kept away.
I had my girl-friends’ who kept doing things they probably did not like, to seek attention from people they “thought” was constant. I am guilty of the same too! I have wept in those closed trial rooms cursing myself for being the size I am- have wasted money on products that I thought would make me a little MORE fairer, I have cried myself to sleep, like many of you have.
I have had boyfriends who abused me for things I never understood. I still don’t. I let it all happen. I let it all happen because I believed that was what was meant to be. I let losers decide what I am supposed to say, what I am supposed to wear, what I am supposed to think, and what I am supposed to do. I let gravity pull the whole of me down.
I closed my mouth as I laughed because I was too conscious about my teeth! I used to wear baggy clothes to try and cover that extra flesh that hung from my waist and thighs and arms and where not! I scolded myself for craving chocolates and cakes and everything I loved only to be deprived of things I really really really loved. Just like many of you have.
I have so much inside me that I need to take out. Too much hatred. Hatred towards the mind that I have inside my head that does not allow me to cherish the life I have inside me. I wish I could plunge into my inner spirit and shout out loud to STOP IT. But I cannot. I know it, and it hurts even more.
Stages of life that hurt me like a knife slowly but surely penetrating deeper and deeper into my skin, things that I want to erase and never look back at – today I feel it was just ME.
It was I who taught myself to be a silly girl listening to people who have nothing to do with me whatsoever!
It was I who closed the doors and painted those mirrors black.
It was I who shied away from looking at how beautifully and uniquely I have been made.
I feared those dark clouds that made those terrible, terrible noises inside my brain screaming freedom, and as I liberated myself from those paths, I became ME… An incomplete tale of how to be and at times, how not to…
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One thought on “I An Incomplete Tale”
Hey Dinah, I can’t express how much I could relate to what you wrote! Its deep and so beautiful….! ❤